Fighting the Fabulous Fight

When I first underdressing, there was a certain… thrill with getting dressed each day.  I love panties, I love lingerie, and the brighter the pink and the more adorned with bows and trimmed with delicate lace the better.  Much of the thrill was that I was wearing girl’s clothes. 

I have wanted to wear girl’s clothes all my life.  Having the courage to actually do it was amazing, even if (or especially if) I was the only one who knew about it.  I knew that each item was a stepping stone to something else.  If I could wear panties, I could probably wear a bra, and then stockings.  Perhaps soon I’d be wearing a nightie to bed… and then…

And here I am, decades later, typing away on a laptop wearing a very festive pair of panties with a snowflake pattern and my femme jeans.  My closet is filled with dresses, my shelves lined with heels, and my drawers overflowing with lingerie.  It’s my dream come true.

I’ve been asked if the excitement goes away over time.  I never thought that this side of me, whether I am in heels at a museum or picking out my panties for the day or getting a makeover would ever get mundane or, well, not fun.  But it’s true that something is lost over time.

Or so I thought.  I realize that it’s not that something is lost.  And its nothing as mundane as me getting used to it.  No, what it is is a new, evolved perspective.  Years ago I would be giddy with excitement just thinking about wearing girl’s clothes.  Today they are just my clothes.  They are not dresses for women, they are my dresses.  Clothes have lost any sort of gender specificity and distinction.  I am not wearing my femme jeans, I am wearing my jeans.  I did not wake up in a woman’s nightgown this morning, I woke up in my nightgown this morning.

I think girls like us roll our eyes a little when people freak out about boys doing “girl things”.  We don’t think it’s a big deal if a boy wants to play with dolls or whatever because we were that boy once.  The doll is a toy.  A toy anyone can play with.  We are confident and comfortable in our gender identities.  We are secure with ourselves.  We  are enlightened, if you will, when it comes to what is for a boy and what is for a girl.  Everything is for anyone who wants it.

These jeans are a perfect example.  They fit perfectly and I can’t think of any reason why they are “for girls”.  They fit me, don’t they?  I wear these jeans in male mode.  When I started to wear femme jeans in male mode that thrill of wearing girl jeans was there… but this morning, and yesterday morning, and tomorrow morning they are and will be just my jeans.

I wear these jeans because they are comfortable, they are softer, and they feel better to move around in.  Same with my femme t-shirts.  Years ago I would have trembled with excitement wearing a femme t-shirt and femme jeans while running errands.  Today these items are in my normal rotation in male mode.

I have long gotten over the thinking that some things are for boys and some things are for girls.  Whether it is a color, a musician (I love Taylor Swift regardless of what gender I am presenting as), or clothes.  Skirts, dresses, leggings, bodysuits, and nightgowns feel amazing.  Why should we deny wearing what we want to wear?  We shouldn’t.

…But if this is what I believe, what’s stopping me?  If anyone can wear a skirt, why stop at femme jeans when I run errands?  Why not wear a maxi skirt instead?   If I truly believe that clothes are for anyone, and I don’t care what others think, and if I want to wear a skirt and paint my nails and wear eyeliner in male mode, why don’t I?

Is it hypocritical that I don’t?

Why do I have the courage to spend the day en femme in a wig, a $70 makeover, a dress, and heels but not wear leggings in male mode?  Much of it has to do with being seen.  Sure, I don’t care what other people think of Hannah, and I am not worried about being recognized when I am en femme, but in male mode… well, that’s a gender I present as most of the time to most of the people in my life.  I would be more recognizable in male mode in a skirt than I would be en femme.  As misunderstood and complicated our lives are as t-girls, it’s even harder for some to understand why a guy wants to wear a skirt.  I think I would be harassed more in male mode wearing a skirt than I am when I am en femme.

And I am tired of explaining.  I am tired of explaining something that really can’t be explained.  I like wearing skirts and really see no reason why boys can’t wear them.  But I really don’t think the world is ready for that.  The world will never be ready for that.  But as I’ve said before, the world will never be ready for us, and we can’t wait for that to happen.

So really, what’s stopping me?  Nothing.  Everything.  I suppose I don’t want a reputation for being that weird guy who wears a skirt.  We also can’t forget that who we are also affects others in our lives.  I don’t want my wife to be known as the girl who’s married to the weird guy who wears skirts.  My wife is amazing and is supportive, but if I wore leggings out of the house with her it would probably (and understandably) embarrass her.  I don’t want to do that to her.  She knows what is in my closet.  She picked out my favorite leggings.  But she sees the world the same way I do.  That gender is complicated and simple and pointless, gender roles are silly, and clothes are clothes.

But seeing the world the way I do also means she sees how the world reacts to girls like Hannah and how the world reacts to boys like me.

It’s important to live our truths.  To practice what we preach.  In my heart I believe anyone should wear or do whatever pleases them.  I believe we should shrug off any opinions from people who don’t matter to us.  We t-girls know this.  We live this.  We t-girls represent this.  We are brave, we are warriors in the fight for gender identity and gender expression.  By simply existing we humbly challenge the world’s ingrained binary perspective.  We are wonder women, we are supergirls.  It’s a fight I am proud to be a part of.

But the battle on who can wear certain clothes, clothes for God’s sake, is not something I can fight in male mode.  We pick our battles in life.  Hannah, and every t-girl in the world, represents the transgender community.  We show the world that we exist.  That we can be who we want to be, that we can be who we are.  In striving for breaking down how the world thinks about gender, I feel I do my part, both in public and online.

I often feel I wish I could do more for our community in male mode.  I feel I don’t do enough.  But I hope what Hannah does makes up for it.

Love, Hannah