“…but why?”
It’s the question they keep coming to when we come out to someone. It’s also the question that we struggle with the most. No matter how we respond, it seems woefully inadequate. I could go on and on for an hour or for a lifetime and still never really provide a satisfactory or clear answer. The temptation to reply with “it just feels right”, is always there, but again, it comes off as too short, too simple to describe an enormous, important part of who we are.
When we are en femme, we dress to reflect who we are. Well, more specifically, who we are when are her. It is impossible to represent who I am with just one outfit or look. But isn’t that the fun part? Despite the contrast in these outfits below, this is me.
And I am everything in-between.
I dress for the occasion, whether it is running errands or going to a play. I love that we can be bombshells or wear leggings to blend in with the other girls at the mall. I understand and relate to wanting to look sexy, to look beautiful, to dress in latex and turn every head at a club. I get that. I want that, too.
Well, maybe not a club, but a coffee shop will do.
The magic of “girl’s clothes” has been there from the start. Whether it is a five inch stiletto or a simple ballet flat, the enormous variety of shoe options is there. A little black dress, a jean skirt, yoga pants and a cardigan, our dressers and wardrobes are filled with choices and we have an outfit for every occasion and for every single mood.
We dress to reflect how we feel. If I am feeling *amazing* then out comes a leather dress and black patent heels. If I am feeling ugly and I need to snap out of it, I dress in the prettiest dress I have. Magic is real and it’s hanging in our closets.
I have been who I am long enough to know that for the most part this side of us is not able to be explained. It’s just who we are. We were born this way. I can’t explain who I am, or why I am to anyone. I can try, and they might get it, but I never feel I can effectively express the simplicity or how deeply this side of me is ingrained in who I am.
When accessibility to the internet became a thing, the first thing I did was look for information about crossdressing. Whether it was just knowing that there were indeed others like me or looking for size charts converting shoe sizes, I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.
And my god, I wasn’t. And you aren’t either. We never were.
The transcommuity is filled with as many ways to identify as there are types of shoes. Whether we identify as a drag queen or a crossdresser or gender fluid, there are many ways we can label ourselves. Not that we need to or should label ourselves, but I think there are many of us who are comforted that there is a word out there for who we are.
Sometimes I go back and forth between wondering if I am trans because I wear panties and lipstick or if I wear eyeliner and dresses because I am trans. I will never know. Chicken or the egg. I am sure there is an answer but I am way too much to think about and do to spend time settling on an answer.
Regardless, I am in love with clothes. I can look at an outfit and think about how much it would be to wear it. It could be a wedding dress or a pleated skirt, I love it all. I love costumes, I love little black dresses, I love evening gowns and sundresses. I love silk and I love leather.
We know the power of clothes better than anyone. We know the emotional attachment and the magnetic draw to an outfit more than most. A dress, mascara, a corset can, and does, represent a connection and a link to ourselves, our true selves, our other selves in a way that is unimaginable and indescribable.
We can’t change who we are. We shouldn’t.
We can’t express with words who we are. But our clothes can.
Although this can change over the course of a lifetime or throughout a weekend it’s always fun to think about who we are.
Who are you? A bombshell? A princess? The girl next door?
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Thanks for another great post. As I’ve come out to many people over the past couple years, I’ve never been asked to explain why. I wonder if its a sign of the times or that I typically come out simply as transgender. If I do ever get asked, I’ll respond similarly to what you describe. This is who I am and who I always have been. Done.. Next question…
Take care,
Vivien
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I think that the “why” question is the one that many of us struggle with for the longest time, often years, sometimes it never gets answered.
I think back about 20 years when someone I knew had to unload a Porsche with about 20K miles on it. I stole it for about $10K. I loved the car, by sons, both pre teens at the time loved the car. My wife quipped that “I just don’t see what you like about the car. It’s a nice color red but it is hard to get into and out of and it does not have any cup holders”. My only response was “If I have to explain what it is that I like about having a red Porsche…I can’t.” Similarly, if I have to explain what I like about wearing heels, a bra, pantyhose and a dress…I can’t.” I loved the car and I love my dresses.
Pax
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Thank You for being so well spoken and beautiful.
I agree it is who i am and yes i was born this way.
But our world needs labels needs perfect answers can’t accept what is not “Normal” to them.
Thank You for your blog
better words couldn’t be written or said “We can’t change who we are. We shouldn’t.
We can’t express with words who we are. But our clothes can.
Although this can change over the course of a lifetime or throughout a weekend it’s always fun to think about who we are.”
Have a great Easter
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Thanks Hannah-Great Post! Very True. Happy Easter
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I like to look like a woman too. I don’t know why either. Perhaps there is no answer to that question. It’s just that way. It’s not a choice. It’s like chocolate. I like the taste of chocolate. I don’t know why.
If I have to choose between bombshell, princess, and girl next door, it will be the latter. But she’s doing her best to look good.
Thanks again for your nice post, Hannah!
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it certainly is a puzzle re: why we feel as we do & the tie-in to clothes. even more confusing is how do those on the other side (i.e. F to M) feel and do they have the same strong tie-in to clothes??
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Honestly, the best answer I have to your question is this: I am Alicia!
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“…Sometimes I go back and forth between wondering if I…”
I think we do what feels right to us and to be at peace with who we are. Perhaps the words we need to encapsulate who we are, are still forming. New language arrives and changes as we do. Eventually, society catches up and once what was felt far out or unusual, becomes mainstream.
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“The unexamined life is not worth living”. attributed to Socrates
OTOH, if all one does is sit ‘ponder ones self and situation…” You will most certainly miss the party.
There are myriad psychological theories as to the ‘why’ of ‘this’ or any other ‘thang’ that defines a ‘person with a quirk’. If you have not read ”My Husband Betty”; that well researched book is quite full of valid research and subsequent theories– as well as being a documentary on two persons personal relationship. I suggest you give it a a read. However, most outsiders simply dont care what your ‘thang’ is.
This is NOT my ‘first or ONLY rodeo — kink wise. I have done much research into that ‘thang’ as well, and well, there is only so much one can learn of what entails ones subconscious desires.
After relieving ones self of ‘guilt trip-itis’…a most terrible psychological disease…
Go enjoy the party.
“Times a wastin’!” — Quote from Snuffy Smith, whilst being chased by ‘ Ol’ Snort’, nemisis wild boar hog….
Velma
“In the long run, we are all dead”. J.M. Keynes, economist
YOLO
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I too agree that yes it is the clothing that I feel very comfortable in, the dresses are the best. The way the soft satin flows over your body, the way the stockings feel on your lovely legs, etc. Yes I do love dressing up,
Thank you for all your blogs,
Hugs Petra
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Hello all, first time posting but have read the blog/replies for awhile. My name is…Stephanie…and I’m so much more me when I’m Stephanie then the other side. Princess, yes! Bombshell, I hope to be someday! Girl next door, sure why not! We all deserve to be everything we want to be. After surviving this most painful emotional day (first flashbacks of awful abuse against me) I see so much clarity now. Decades of hurt and pain need to go. I love me, my partner loves me, no more holding back. Time to be..The Stephanie! I know it’s cheesy, forgive me. Let it ride everyone!
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I am the woman next door if I am in the yard in my shorts and halter top or shopping in my dress and heels or at the grocery in jeans and blouse with flats no matter where I am I’m comfortable being the woman I have become and continue to be everyday I would never go back to the drab male clothes with no style or pretty colors.
Thank you Hannah for all your insight
Rhonda
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