Reflections

The pandemic has caused a lot of us to be more reflective about our lives. We realize the importance of small things, we look at how much we took a completely stocked grocery for granted, and we realize that seeing friends, and doing our everyday things are really important to us.

For those of us who have two gender identities, we usually have two separate lives. I’ve miss traveling for my job, for example. And for Hannah, I miss the simple pleasure of walking through a mall.

The last few months have made their mark on history, the economy, and our psyche. Of course, we can’t neglect the lives lost from the virus itself.

As life slowly and gradually returns to normal (and I am using this word a bit ironically, I don’t think we will ever go back to “normal”), we are able to resume things like going out to dinner and being reasonably confident that the store isn’t sold out of toilet paper.

Reading the news about businesses impacted by months of closure and countless people hospitalized, I realize that some of my feelings and thoughts are shallow and selfish. I understand that. I don’t mean to minimize or trivialize anyone’s loss.

We all could share our experiences from the last few months and it’s not unlikely we all have been affected by this in different ways. But if you are reading this, it’s likely you fall under the transgender identity in some way. Being trans means we have different perspectives and experiences than those who aren’t transgender, but at the same time, it’s likely we all have similar thoughts as each other.

Over the last few months many parts of Hannah’s life were put on pause. MN T-Girls activities stopped (they resume this week!), my modeling shoots were delayed, and simply being able to go out en femme was just a memory. Aside from the social aspect, there were some physical changes as well. I watched my hair grow and grow and grow. My eyebrows looked ghastly. It was harder to see “her” when I looked into a mirror.

Through social distancing and protective equipment, I was able to finally get a haircut and get my eyebrows threaded last week. Again, I know this sounds shallow. I have nothing but sympathy and empathy for essential workers who don’t have the ability to work from home and put their own health at risk to make a living. I wore a mask and washed my hands. I also tipped well.

Last week I also had my first makeover since February. Over the course of the appointment, I watched my artist contour my face, turn my lips into a metallic red hue, and slowly I could see Hannah for the first time in months.

I’ve missed seeing her face. I’ve missed seeing my face.

I savored every moment of that day. Every click of my heels on the ground, every passing reflection.

The last few months have taught me to never take anything from granted. Last Saturday was no different.

Love, Hannah

4 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. Dear Hannah, you have touched on some many areas that effects many of us. Speaking personally, the struggle is real while weighing out the issues the world faces. It’s a balance of supporting those effected by covid, those businesses directly impacted, and now those socially impacted due to social injustice. I know there have been moments for me of minor depression missing Samantha, stress of not being able to be her, and continued self health focus as well. Not an easy thing to battle all of these things at once. Hugs and hope your first MN event goes well! Samantha

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  2. Hannah, I still have so much to discover. It begins with disregarding critics of transition and queerness. The less I see of dudedom the happier I am. I hate patriarchy. I dress and glamor up not for men but to find love and solidarity with women and our lives. Hannah I just love learning from you

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  3. In among my reflections is that I now see I need to commit to actions with less deliberation, discussion, and internal debate. I’ll see how it goes in real life, but the pause to reflect has shown me how much has passed that could have been had. I’m not regretting the past, but I’m looking forward to realizing more of my future.

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