Have you ever been hit on( approached by ) a man while en femme in a serious manner for a date or just to buy you a drink? I know you don’t drink now, but someone may still ask. If so, how did you handle the situation? Have you ever flirted with a guy just in a friendly manner?
Yes, and it’s not been a pleasant experience.
Years ago I wondered what it would be like if a guy were to hit on me. I decided that it would be weird, but in a way, validating. But when it happened I was just uncomfortable, annoyed, and a little scared.
It was a few days before Christmas. I had just gotten my first professional makeover. I was wearing a red dress and I looked amazing. Well, I probably felt more amazing than I looked, but that’s the important part. You might look sexy but if you aren’t feeling sexy then it doesn’t matter. Confidence is key. I was meeting up with the MN T-Girls at a LGBTQ+ bar that evening and like everything I do, I was early. I waited in the back near the pool tables and some guy walked over to me. I had noticed him early stealing glances from the bar so he was on my radar. Being en femme makes me feel vulnerable when it comes to my feelings and emotions and I let my guard down, but this was the first time I had felt… physically vulnerable. I am not a fighter in either gender but if I had to, I feel I could defend myself long enough to run away from a confrontation if it came to that. I know, really macho, eh?
But I was wearing a tight dress and stilettos. Not an outfit a sprinter would wear. I was feeling and thinking that if I needed to escape a situation that I would be at a disadvantage.
As he kept glancing over I felt more and more uncomfortable. Would he approach me? Would he try something? Would he follow me to my car? Paranoia is a survival tactic for a girl like us when it comes to living in fear that someone will find our panties in the back of our dresser drawer, but this was on a new level I had never experienced before. And it terrified me. I realized that this is what my wife, my sisters, my female friends, my female colleagues, must feel everywhere.
I am not sure how much beer it took for him to work up the courage to stagger over to me but soon he had enough liquid courage to approach me. Bear in mind this happened almost ten years ago but I still remember his words. “I sure would like to date you.” My first instinct is to be polite to someone and even then my first thought was to be gentle but firm (although it’s better to be safe than polite). I let him know I wasn’t interested. He didn’t flinch. He kept staring at me, making small talk, offering to buy me a drink. I turned my back to him, he circled me. I backed up. He said something else, and I ducked into the ladies room.
I composed myself and processed what happened. It wasn’t flattering, it wasn’t validating. I didn’t feel more like a girl. I felt violated, I felt angry. Some of you may wonder why I reacted this way. On one level it may feel like a compliment to be hit on, But he kept at it. He didn’t take no for an answer. He turned to face me. He didn’t respect my personal space. My mind raced with what he would do if I didn’t remove myself from the situation. Of course, he may not have done anything, but my feeling and fear was that he might, and he could.
Soon my friends arrived and after I let them know what happened I left early. I did ask the bouncer to escort me to my car which he did.
Situations like this still happen and probably always will. It’s not flattering to me, and I feel… fetishized. Sure, it’s possible that a guy sees me and is attracted to me regardless of him knowing I am trans, but it’s more likely (in my opinion) that he is attracted to me BECAUSE I am trans. I am not his kink.
Even if I wasn’t married I wouldn’t flirt. I have zero interest in men.
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3 thoughts on “Ask Hannah!”
Good for you, Hannah!Â I think I would have feltÂ and reacted the same way.Â It was smart of you to ask the bouncer to escort you to your car.Â I will have to keep that in mind if I’m feeling uncomfortable while leaving a restaurant or bar.
interesting story! I have a few of my own, generally parallel to your experience but there was one guy, one time, stone cold sober in a hotel lobby cooking for the guests, who struck a conversation about of all things , Greek and Cyrillic alphabet, which we both admired and knew something about. I was wary but friendly. He was a good cook and had been rather amusing with both genders in a light and innocent way. I was attracted to his lightness, humor, wit and intellect and he DID MAKE ME FEEL accepted, warm. and a little fuzzy. His name was Bob and I was returning from a long road trip. virtually all en femme and I was tempted for the first and only time to invite this man to my room for a drink or coffee to learn more about him as a person. In retro I’ve wondered ever since and thought as you did that he was attracted to me, but genuinely in a good respectful away because unlike the other fools previous, he really saw me as I actually am . Like you , I have zero sexual interest in men but aS WE ALL KNOW, SEX Is a complicated topic. There are some of US WHO HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO fetishize men or use them like gigilos instead of equal people. I’ve thought about that experience for 10 years, glad I didn’t go any further, yet wondering what he really was like and what he really was thinking. I was free at the time never having seeming the good luck to find the exact right lady for keeps. Keep sharing. toodles.
I see it as having several factors involved in how I’d feel about it.
If they had to have enough “liquid courage” to even talk to me, then I would not see that as validation, or a desirable circumstance.
However, if they are in their full faculties, it would matter how they approached me, and what their intent was. Someone approaching me in a friendly, engaging manner, and just interested in getting to know me as a person, then I wouldn’t be opposed out of hand. If they approach with a more crude manner, and the intent is to be “rapidly intimate”, that I put in an even worse situation than the liquid courage folks, and consider it harassment.
I have had a crude male approach me in the same facility as you did, Hannah. I just told him that I wasn’t interested, and his response was “so when did that start?”, which I took as implying that he felt any trans woman was doing it only to “find a man”. It didn’t cause me to feel vulnerable, as I was in a club with many others around, including a good security group. On the street would be different.