Hi, good morning! It’s Monday and let’s talk about sex. Or more specifically, talk about why I don’t talk about sex (very much).
Although I understand how gender identity/sexual identity can overlap and I understand that this side of us can be a fetish to some (whether it’s because wearing a dress arouses someone or you are sexually attracted to a girl like us) I don’t feel there is necessarily a connection between sex and gender. At least not for me. Some crossdressers tell me that they are a 1000000000000% straight but as soon as they slip on panties then their sexual preference becomes a little more…. ah, flexible. Now, I could be wrong but my assumption is that their sexual preference was ALWAYS flexible (or equal opportunity so to speak) but someone may not acknowledge it until they are dressed. I feel that accepting and embracing this side of us can be a HUGE step outside of our comfort zone and for many of us we become a lot less inhibited. It’s certainly that way for me. When I am en femme I tend to become more social and chattier and outgoing, I become more comfortable drawing attention, more so than I am in male mode. I feel freer and willing to be more vulnerable.
But I think I am willing and more comfortable to do that in male mode than I realize. Being en femme kind of… forces me out of my shell, in a way. It’s not as easy to ignore a six-foot tall t-girl in a bright pink dress and stilettos at Target as it is to ignore a guy wearing a hoodie and jeans.
My point is that we are probably who we always are, whether in male mode or en femme, but our gender presentation makes it easier (or safer, perhaps) to reveal some sides of us.
That being said, I am always prepared for the sexual identity/sexual preferences questions when I come out to someone. I’ve been asked if Hannah likes boys for example (she does not, and neither do I). Who I am attracted to does not change when I am en femme or in drab. I don’t feel there is a sexual/fetishistic aspect to my dressing. Being en femme, even in lingerie, does not arouse me. I might feel cuter than normal but it doesn’t go beyond that.
I don’t write about sex that often because sex is a very personal conversation but also because there is no sexual connection to my gender identity. But I acknowledge that for many of us there is.
I also know that for many of our significant others there is some confusion and likely some fear that there is. For those of us who have been outed or discovered by their significant others it’s not unusual for them to have felt that they were lied to. And honestly they kind of were. This side of you is not going away and when you commit to someone then really, all cards need to be on the table (and yes I know it’s not as easy as that but that’s a conversation for another time). Once the truth comes out, then more things come to light. That business trip you took? Well, it was actually a chance to go to Las Vegas for a femme makeover. That Amazon package you received? It wasn’t a network cable you ordered for work, it was a cute dress. And so on. Pretty soon your significant other doesn’t know what to think or what to believe. Are you talking to other crossdressers? Are you meeting other crossdressers? Are you hooking up with them? This is a valid fear. What is the truth?
When our significant others learn about our gender identity/fetish/however you identify when it comes to this side of us, it’s not uncommon for them to google “crossdresser” or “transgender”. Aaaaand some of the first sites to pop up will be related to sex or how to MEET A CROSSDRESSER IN YOUR AREA!, or other fun results along those lines. The internet will have you believe that there is a sexual side to our gender identity and to be fair, for some of us there is. Despite not writing about sex very much, my website is often discovered by people searching for “sex with a crossdresser” or “trans girl fetish” or something along those lines. I know this because I can look up search terms that people use to find my site. It doesn’t take long for someone to realize that although I write a lot about gender identity and I wear leather or other fetishy clothes, there’s very little that I write about when it comes to SEX. I might wear a dress that shows off my legs or strut in some pretty amazing stilettos, but it’s not like I am bending over so you can see my panties or anything like that. There’s a difference between sexy and sexual.
Despite what I write (or don’t write) about, I accept that my site and my gender identity can often fall into the realms of sex or things of sexual nature.
I got to thinking about all this when I learned that my website was listed at number 80 for 2020’s Top Sex Blogs . I made this list last year as well but came in at 95, so I guess I am moving up. Even though I don’t consider myself a sex writer, I am happy that my site and writings are being read. Having my photos “liked” is a nice validation for how I look (and how I feel I look) but others reading what I write read is also a validation that maybe my thoughts are worth looking at.
Anyway I have no idea how I made this list. Did people vote for me? If so, thank you. It means a lot that people think I have something of quality to contribute.
Okay, have a nice day.
6 thoughts on “Sexy Monday”
With regard to sexual orientation, part of the issue I see is what does “straight” mean to a transgender person? Is it relative to their assigned gender, or their chosen, if only for a while, gender? For some folks, just like they wouldn’t wear heels with an otherwise male outfit, they wouldn’t relate sexually with another male then, either. But when the rest of the outfit is complemented by those same heels, then that other male is also an acceptable part of the “outfit”, especially if they no longer look at other women in that way. Just as gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation all have a wide range of variation, so does the interaction between all three of them. Bottom line is that we are all complex and unique individuals, and that’s part of what makes us each the fabulous folks that we al are.
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A straight garden variety crossdresser here. Out of the closet for over 30 years, married, with an accepting wife. When I dress I want to project sexy femininity. That means I want to look like a “hot babe”. Who wants to look dowdy, sloppy or plain Janey ? Not me. But folks, hot babe clothes (on a woman) is a magnet for straight men. I am not doing the hot babe look for the attention of other men. In a sense, I am doing it for one straight man. Me. Narcissistic ? Perhaps.
From following your blog, I think you are too Hannah.
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Hannah, you contribute a lot of great info and insight. Not to mention you are one beautiful woman, when you dress. Thanks for all you do.
When it comes to sexuality i was confused for many years and have come to terms with being a bisexual crossdresser, i am attracted to both sexes when in either mode. just saying and your writings have helped me get here.
I am surprised you are listed as a sex blog. For me you are mostly inspirational.
This is a very interesting and complex topic. For me I feel the sexiest when I think of being in the female role. This can include the idea of being with a man. Yet I never notice men and think they are sexy. I do notice women. I am never sure if I notice a woman though because I want to be her or be with her.
Honestly in male mode I just am not that interested in sex.
I honestly have no idea how to describe my sexuality. It seems to me such a mix of so many things.
Thank you for all that you do for us.