Ask Hannah!

When I’m en femme I fantasize about being with a man. I’m not gay, so is this normal ?

I would never, ever tell someone what their sexual identity is, so I hope you’re not looking for a definitive answer.  This is something only you can answer.  

When we come out to someone, one of the first questions we are asked is whether or not we are gay.

This question, though I expect it, always throws me off.  I don’t see a connection between what I wear and who I am attracted to.  I suppose it makes sense for someone to ask, though.  Both the T and the G are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and let’s face it, the media hasn’t been very helpful when it comes to how a drag queen or a crossdresser is portrayed.  It’s getting better, but not fast enough.  The damage has been done.

Many of us insist we are not gay and that wearing panties or nail polish or anything else doesn’t change our sexual preference.

Of course, some of us will say that when they are en femme, the idea of being with a guy becomes… well, an option.  Or a fantasy.

We can’t have it both ways when it comes to a link between who we sleep with, and what we sleep in.  Clothes do not change your sexual preference.

I wrote a little about this for En Femme recently.

But clothes do bring something out of us.  When I am en femme, I am friendly, chattier, more social.  I am also more vulnerable and sensitive.  A dress does not make me these things, a dress brings OUT these things.  Things that are already there, things that are always there.  I can be vulnerable, sensitive, friendly, chatty, and social in male mode, but it takes a little more effort than when I am en femme.

I believe this is the same when it comes to sexuality.  I don’t think you BECOME gay (or heteroflexible or bi) because you are en femme.  I don’t think lipstick makes you feel attracted to men.  I think being en femme opens a door to parts of us that exist in us, but are tucked away in male mode.  This is my opinion, however.  My thinking is that if you are curious or attracted to men en femme, you probably are in male mode too, it’s just maybe pushed really far down inside.  

Some of us like the idea of being with a man when we are en femme because it might help make us feel more feminine.  Engaging in certain activities, whether it is intimacy with a man or a man holding a door open for us, can make someone feel more feminine as we are being treated like a lady by a man.  

Again, I am not here to suggest to anyone what their sexual identity is, but would it really matter if you were attracted to men?  

I sincerely hope this helps.

Related reading


Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

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