Hi Hannah, First of all let me say that I love you and all your advice, it’s been very helpful to my wife & I. I recently went out en femme for the first time & with my wife, she was a little freaked out & worried someone we know might see us, but she was a trooper. My question is, does your wife go out with Hannah or do you go solo? I can go either way & respect that it’s hard for her, I loved being out en femme & can hardly wait to go out again
How wonderful she went out with you! Her reaction and fears are pretty normal. I mean, I have the same concerns when I go out en femme. I am not toooooo worried about seeing someone I know as I tend to avoid many places that people in my boy life frequent, but Hannah looks very different than the boy does and I think that gives me a moment to leave the store (or wherever I am) before someone would grasp who I am.
But our significant others don’t have that safety. People may not recognize us at first glance, but people will recognize our partners.
My adventures are solo unless I am out with the MN T-Girls. This is not to say that my wife (or anyone’s partner) isn’t supportive because she doesn’t join me. She shows her support in other ways. We chat about makeup and she buys me pink toothbrushes. My wife is amazing on a million levels and an ally to anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. Were she to go out with Hannah there’s a better chance of her being recognized than myself. And of course it wouldn’t take much for people to figure out who that really really really tall girl is that she is with.
Most people in our lives are supportive of the transcommunity. The risk is, of course, seeing someone we know that isn’t accepting and the potential fallout from that. She also shares the same perspective as I do when it comes to coming out: it’s exhausting. When I come out to others it takes countless conversations for someone else to come close to “getting it”. This is one of the reasons I don’t come out to many people.
Hannah’s life and all that comes with it isn’t, and wasn’t always easy for her. I feel guilty for the added stress this side of me brings her. I regret the times she was confused or angry or annoyed that this side of me brings or has brought. It’s a lot for our partners to live with. It’s a lot for us to ask of them. I want to make Hannah’s life as stress free as it can be for her. I try to be the best person I can be, I try to be worth all the stress Hannah creates and has created.
My wife knows that the invitation still stands for anytime she would like to hit the mall with Hannah. That day may yet come and if it doesn’t, that’s okay.
Have a question for me? Oh yes you do. Ask me here!