A few weeks ago I was getting a ton of Ask Hannah questions. I think for a bit I was posting a question (and a rambling answer) once a day for like two weeks. I love getting questions (I really do!) so please don’t stop (in fact, why not send one today?), but I also get overwhelmed when I have a lot of emails to reply to and website writing to do. I like to reply and address tasks as they happen as I get stressed out when I have things to do. I mean, we all have things to do, and I know my feelings are a little silly but when I get an email I like to reply to it as soon as I can, if I am able. When I wake up and I have work emails that came in overnight it’s not uncommon for me to reply to them as I have my morning coffee before I officially start working.
And when I say I get overwhelmed by email, it doesn’t take many to push me from thinking “I have some emails to take care of” to “OMG I have so much to do and it is stressing me out”. Three emails can do it, to be honest, even if my reply is only a sentence or two. I do understand that this is not a healthy or reasonable response to something as silly and as everyday as email, but it’s just how I am wired. And I do hate it. I’ve written before about anxiety and social situations and stuff, this is just another peek inside my psyche.
That being said, as these Ask Hannah questions were coming in on a more regular basis than they usually do (again, please don’t let my issues deter you for contacting me), I started to reply to some of them directly as opposed to posting the question on my website. If I did this it wasn’t because a question wasn’t worth posting, it was just how I could keep sane (and yes, I know that sounds stupid, email shouldn’t trigger this sort of reaction). It was better for my mental health to reply directly instead of having another email sit in my inbox before I could post it on my website. On a related note, thank God I am not famous and have to deal with more than I can handle.
Anyway! As the Ask Hannah questions have settled down, I have been thinking about a few of them that I didn’t post on my website. One question I received is if I ever thought about doing more videos. I have always been hesitant to do video for a few reasons, and when I did a few short ones for En Femme last year I was even more hesitant to do more. I have been asked about doing videos for Youtube or whatever and I couldn’t really think of anything that really captured my interest. Makeup tutorials are very popular for girls like us, but I don’t think I am good enough with makeup and I don’t think I could do anything different or better than what others were doing.
But I have thought about a short series of short videos about things that girls like us want to do. Practical videos, I suppose, but also showing girls what it’s actually like. I think crossdressing is as much mental as it is practical. The practical side of shopping for a dress begins with your measurements and going from there. But the other side of buying a dress is more mental and more difficult. If you are in denial or you are scared of this side of you, you have to address those feelings first. No matter how good you are walking in stilettos, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t ready to embrace this side of you.
One of the things that holds girls like us back is that we can’t picture how things will play out if we do something. We don’t come out to others (partially) because we don’t know how someone will react. We don’t go out en femme because we don’t know how others will respond to us. We don’t schedule that makeover because we don’t know if the artist will understand. These unknowns are new to us. We are entering into a new world with new situations that are things we do as boys but are different because we are en femme. Since I travel for work (when we are not in a pandemic) I have checked into hotel rooms a zillion times, but Hannah checking into a hotel for a photo shoot is different.
That being said, I thought it would be interesting to do a short series about what it’s like to get a makeover and what that conversation with my makeup artist looks like. What it’s like to get a bra fitting, or go to the mall. I get a lot of questions from girls asking how to go out en femme. And the answer can be very simple. You do your makeup, put your wig on, slip on your heels, pick out a dress, and drive to the mall.
But that isn’t helpful! But it IS the practical answer.
What girls are really asking is “how do I overcome my fear?” “What will people do when they see me?” “What do I do if someone stares at me or says something mean?” These are the emotional questions.
The video series would be me showing what happens in situations like these. I think it would be helpful and a new fun project to do. The problem is that I have no experience when it comes to editing or any of the tech-y stuff. Nor do I have any desire to learn. The things I do are pretty much a one-girl show aside from the photo shoots that wouldn’t be possible without Shannonlee. If I were to do video I would need someone to film me when I do these things, then edit it and do whatever computery magic that would need to be done. And yes, I COULD hire someone but I don’t have the money for that.
So, long story short, I do think it would be fun and I do see the potential to do videos, but I am afraid I don’t have the resources.