How lucky are we? How fortunate, how blessed are we to be who we are?
Yes, I know this side of us can, and usually does, create a lot of anxiety, tension, loss, sadness, confusion, and anger. Some of us HATE this side of us. Some of us have wished this side of us would go away, that it truly was a phase, something to grow out of. But it’s not. It’s who we are.
When I started my first website years ago, I had a goal of, well, celebrating this side of us. There are a lot of wonderful blogs out there by beautiful t-girls who write about their journey, the sadness, the frustration that this side of us brings. Blogging is a way to write about our feelings, get thoughts out of our head, connect with others, and find support. It’s therapeutic. For some it’s a lifeline. Although this side of myself hasn’t always been sunshine, pink glitter, and stilettos, one of the reasons I kept coming back to, well, all of this, no matter how many times I purged, is because this side of myself makes me incredibly happy.
That is what I wanted to write about. The joy, the happiness, the comfort that this brings. I get a lot of emails and messages about how much calmer, more relaxed one feels when they are en femme or even just wearing panties under boy clothes. That’s the happiness I wanted to acknowledge and celebrate.
I am not naive and forgetting that being a part of the transgender community can scare us or others in our life. What does it mean? Where will this side of us lead? I know we have, or have had those thoughts. I know our partners did, and do as well.
These days it’s hard to plan anything. It’s hard to plan a vacation, even months in advance. Will it be safe to travel? Will I get the vaccine soon? Am I going to a place where COVID could have another surge? Even small things, like spending the day running errands is a lot less fun and safe. In the Before Times I could plan a day en femme. Schedule a makeover, wander around a mall or a museum and just enjoy the moment. But all of that goes away when I think about having to wear a mask.
Being en femme makes me happy, it’s essential for me to take care of both of my gender identities. But over the last year going out hasn’t been the same. I’ve had fewer adventures and events and I hate that something that I love doing isn’t a (safe) option at the moment. I mean, yes, I can be en femme at home, but it’s not the same. The catch-22 is that there’s a been a lot of sadness, anxiety, fear, and frustration over the last year. Normally when work is crazy I can plan a day en femme for a small vacation from my boy life and boy life stress. It’s almost funny how the most stressful global event in our lifetime has made the very thing I turn to in moments like this isn’t really an option.
It’s times like this (when I stop feeling bitchy and when I stop feeling sorry for myself) that I am fortunate to have crossdressing in my life.
And before I go any further, I want to address what I mean (at least in this post) when I talk about being en femme v crossdressing. En femme is when I am dressed to the nines, from wig to false eyelashes, to a killer makeover, cute accessories, a fabulous dress, and matching heels. Crossdressing is when I am (mostly) in boy mode but wearing femme clothes.
It sounds shallow (and it probably is) but lately I think to myself that no matter what happens between the moments when I start and end my day, if I can begin the morning in panties and leggings while I work and wear a cute nightgown at night, well, it can’t have been THAT bad of a day. If I have to live through a global pandemic at least I can wear some cute lingerie while the anxiety crushed my soul. Again, I know this is shallow, but we need small things that make us happy. Some people keep sane with hobbies, drinking (not a good idea), video games, cooking, hiking, uh, and other things, but a cute bra and panty set makes me happy. It centers me. A stressful work day gets a little more tolerable in leggings. A long day ends on a better note if I can fall asleep in a cute cami and panty set.
I know they are just clothes, but they are a way to connect with myself. What I wear is intimate to me, regardless if its lingerie or a femme t-shirt. It’s what I wear (in boy mode) that is kept from (most of) the rest of the world. I am fortunate that something so small, but so full of meaning, makes me happy.