Slowly Back to Life, Slowly Back to Reality

This week I received my first shot of the COVID vaccine.  

I was in a (virtual, of course) meeting and I was sent an email saying I was eligible to schedule my appointment.  I couldn’t believe how excited I was.  I left my meeting and completed my registration.  I drove to downtown Saint Paul in the rain and waited in line.  I was amazed at how efficient and orderly it was, to be honest.  I was in and out in less than an hour.  It was a very emotional day for me and I was a little taken aback by how I reacted.  To me, it was the first step towards returning to real life.  Cases are down, restrictions are being eased, but this was a very real sign that perhaps I can start hitting the town without a mask smudging my lipstick soon.  

And “soon” is relative.  I am hoping “soon” is by the end of the year.

Over the past twelve months I have reflected a lot on life and what I want to do.  I have thought a lot about adventures, both big and small, I want to have.  Overall I have decided that life is short and if there is a dress I want to wear or a photo shoot I want to do, then I should just do it.  And I did!  I rocked that dress and I showed the internet my lingerie. 

Other things that I want to do, such as traveling en femme, are getting closer than ever.  Not only because flying without a mask is likely “soon” but also because, well, life is short and I am ready.

Most of us have moments where we are lost in the fog and make rash decisions, or at the very least, we make choices without thinking them through when it comes to our femme side.  Sometimes this is a small thing and we spend more money on heels than we should and skip paying a utility bill.  I totes get it, stilettos are way more fun than, well, almost anything.  But being enveloped in the fog can cause us to make BIG and irreversible decisions as well.  Genies that can’t be put back in a bottle, bells that can’t be unrung.  Perhaps after a glass of wine we’ve come out to someone without considering possible consequences.  Perhaps we went somewhere en femme that we really, really shouldn’t.  Perhaps you posted a full face photo when our partners requested we don’t.  

My point is that in a way, I feel a sense of newness, a sense of rebirth.  Reincarnation, if you will.  It’s a combination of spring and the final stages (hopefully) of the pandemic.  It’s an opportunity to do the things we’ve wanted to do, the things we didn’t know we wanted to, the things we didn’t think we COULD do.

I am feeling optimistic, energized, and empowered in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.  My confidence, my ambitions are at a new high.  And that’s good!  Yay!  BUT I have a history (in both of my genders) of thinking and planning and doing things that are fueled by momentum of optimism unrestrained by thinking it through.  

So this is a reminder (mostly to myself) that the fog can impact us in different ways and be influenced by things that aren’t on our radar.  We need to acknowledge who we are, and we need to acknowledge that sometimes the pink fog can make us to do things that probably need a little more time to percolate.

Love, Hannah