Beauty and Choices

There are zillions (I MIGHT be exaggerating here) of unknowables when it comes this side of us, when it comes to who we are.  I’ll never know why we are who we are and that’s okay.  I don’t need to know and really, it wouldn’t make a difference one way or the other. 

 
I feel comfortable, calm, happy, and like myself  (or more accurately, a part of myself) when I am wearing stockings, heels, and makeup.  Some look forward to taking their bra off, I count the days until I dress and I check the mail obsessively when I am waiting for the new bra and panty set I ordered to arrive.  I LOVE wearing clothes that others can’t wait to take off.  BUT!  I do know that my wife and I wear bras for different reasons.  I do know that women are “expected” to wear heels and dresses.  Being “required” to wear something, whether it’s because of your anatomy or because of arcane and antiquated and unfair social expectations, takes away from the joy, the fun, the CHOICE of wearing anything.  I do understand that, promise.

I also understand that this side of us makes some people uncomfortable.  Some men are uncomfortable around girls like us for a few reasons.  Some men wonder why “another man” would want to associate themselves with anything feminine, whether it’s a skirt or an opinion, or heaven forbid, having FEELINGS.  They may think that women, femininity, equates to weakness and inferiority.  Why would you CHOOSE to be “weak”?  Some men are attracted to girls like us, not because we are trans or have certain anatomy, but because we are beautiful women.  Some men are attracted to women, but as soon as they realize she has the same “parts” as they do, it’s a different story.  They become uncomfortable, or even angry, that a girl like us caught their eye.  

I have no patience for men on Twitter or in my email who “compliment” me by saying things along the lines of “I’m straight but u r pretty”.  These comments bring out my bitchy side quickly and I think to myself “wow, a straight man attracted to a girl?”  I don’t engage in comments like that, more than likely they just get muted/blocked.  

When I came out to my wife when we dated she had a hard time understanding why anyone would choose to wear a bra and stockings.  Why wear panties that weren’t designed for someone with my anatomy?  After we married and I started to wear dresses and makeup, she “got” it.  She understood this side of me, or us, as well as anyone could.  She said that sometimes I wanted to look and feel beautiful.  Who couldn’t relate to wanting that?  She went from having no idea why I wanted, why I wore lingerie to a starting place and her understanding, her experience, grew from there. 

When we come out to people, or when we post on social media, we are opening ourselves up to their opinions, thoughts, and feelings.  Posting a photo on Twitter means I could get likes or nasty comments.  Coming out to someone creates a risk of losing or at least changing that relationship FOREVER.  People might think that we are confused, in denial, perverts, or anything else.  They may never want to talk about this ever again, they may never want to talk to us ever again.  

Of course, they may also think that this side of us is just, well, weird.  Not weird in the sense of “why would a boy want to wear a bra?” but “why would ANYONE want to wear a bra?”.

And on the surface level, yes, I suppose it is a little weird.  Last time I was out en femme I wore a tight corset and a skirt that I was paranoid was too short and showing off my stocking tops.  Was I comfortable?  Yes, of course.  My corset was cinched perfectly, my gaff held everything where it needed to be held, my bra was adjusted for my body, my heels clicked merrily on the pavement.  I was about as comfortable as one could be in wearing such restrictive clothes.  If your corset is seasoned and everything you’re wearing is the right size and you are tucked properly you don’t really FEEL what you’re wearing.  Until you have to get out of a car or or walk up a flight of stairs or something, of course.

Most nights I wear a nightie to sleep in, other times it’s lingerie.  A nightgown is more comfortable than sleeping in a cute cami and matching thong.  If you keep going in this direction you’ll realize that sleeping in nothing is the most comfortable.

Why would anyone choose to wear clothes that require cinching or tucking?  Isn’t it more comfortable to… well, wear boy clothes like ugly, baggy gray sweatpants (a little opinionated here, aren’t I?)  And yes, I will reluctantly admit that presenting as a boy CAN be more physically comfortable than wearing four inch heels and a bodycon dress.  Of course, at the same time wearing a flowy skirt or leggings is also waaaay more comfortable than a suit, but I digress.

  
But I don’t wear what I wear because it’s more physically comfortable.  If that was my guiding star then I would wear leggings 24/7.  No.  I wear what I wear (at least en femme) because clothes are how I express myself, or more specifically, Hannah.  Hannah has a look, and I love her look.  Usually overdressed in heels and a cute dress and false eyelashes for anything and everything.  I wear what I wear because of how it makes me feel emotionally.  I FEEL beautiful, and I hope I look beautiful.  And yes on one hand this is all very shallow, but it is what it is.  

While it may be weird that one chooses to wear a tightly laced corset, it’s understandable to choose to wear something, whatever it is, that makes one feel beautiful.  Who couldn’t relate to that?

Love, Hannah