Two Souls

Aristotle said that a friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.

What would he say about someone who is bi-gender?  I refer to my other gender almost as a separate person.  When I am in boy mode I will talk to my wife as if Hannah is her own human.  “Hannah has her MN T-Girl event next week” and so on.  I suppose it wouldn’t be too far off the mark to say that we have two souls in one body.

Of course, this makes it sound like I have multiple personalities annnnnnnnnnnnnd to an extent that is not untrue.  But this is not a clinical example of that, not at all.  People who have multiple personalities typically don’t know what the other personality is doing and has little control over them.  But for me that’s not the case.  I am always ME, regardless of the outfit I am wearing and the pronouns I want to be addressed as.  Hannah is a her, the boy is a he.

Hannah, obviously, is transgender.  She is a transgirl, a t-girl, a transgender person.  In appropriate and relevant conversations, she has no issue with acknowledging and disclosing her transness.  If Hannah were to fill out a medical questionnaire she would check the box for ‘transgender’ or at the very least ‘non-binary’ or ‘other’.  But the boy?  No.  Were he to fill out the same form he would choose ‘male’.  And that’s… well, it’s kind of hypocritical, I suppose.  If the boy and Hannah are, essentially, the same person (albeit two souls in one body) why would “we” choose different options?  If Hannah is transgender, then isn’t the boy?  Well, yes… he is transgender, or at the very least, non-binary.  But in 99% of his interactions, the non-binary identical is completely irrelevant.  If I were to break my leg in boy mode and rushed to the hospital, then my gender identity isn’t relevant.  

BUT if Hannah were to twist her ankle because her stilettos are too tall (lol they are never too tall) then yes, disclosing my gender identity would be important.  Why, though?  Well, in going to the emergency room I would speak with a receptionist, an intake nurse, a doctor, other nurses, and likely a few other professionals.  I would want to make sure the medical staff would be prepared for seeing someone who isn’t a cis-girl.  Insurance forms and prescriptions would need to be filled out and it would be easier to get the conversation out of the way regarding why my insurance card has a boy name but I refer to myself as her.

So why am I not non-binary on my boy life?  Wouldn’t it just be easier?  Even if my friends and family didn’t know about Hannah, I COULD still identify as something other than cis.  Honestly I don’t see the point in coming out as non-binary.  I really don’t mind being people using him/he pronouns when I am in male mode.  I mean, those are the pronouns I use when I am in boy mode, after all.  I present as boy when I am not presenting as Hannah.  Essentially what I mean is that I am not dressing in a non-binary way (when I am out of the house).  When I am home I wear leggings and cardigans, but in boy mode.  If I felt like I needed to dress in a non-binary way in boy mode outside of the house, then yes, identifying that way would be considered.  But I am bi-gender, I am happy with both of my gender identities and happy to keep my two souls separate to the outside world.

Love, Hannah

hannahmcknight.org

5 thoughts on “Two Souls

  1. Person to whom I am talking: “This is confusing!” Me: “If you think it is confusing to talk about, you ought to try living it!”

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  2. Hannah, I completely agree with this post. The male me has no interest in identifying as trans, nor do I appear in mixed mode anywhere, not even at home. Tina gets fully dressed and goes out or not, she identifies as a transgender woman. Thank you for writing this, I will file it away for future reference.

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  3. I get it entirely. I don’t care to mix my gender identities into some intermediate form. If I choose to present as a woman, I realize that I will be read, but I identify as her/she. When obliged to present as male, then I don’t mix gender messages then either. It is what seems to work for me.

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  4. I feel exactly the same way. And you’re right about the fact that heels can NEVER be too high. I’m 6ft 4 but still love my 5 inch heels!

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  5. Many will concur with your premise that a male mode need not be bi-nary. It’s simpler that way,just as many females with children agree to take their spouses last name for dealing with society.. Others may disagree but must remember it’s a jungle put there.

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