Our favorite wisdom and insight provider is back with her latest episode of Help Me, Hannah! Hannah McKnight tackles the importance of shapewear this episode – and bares all to show us what it takes to achieve those curves and smooth those lines using some of our most popular shapewear such as slimmers, cinchers and corsets! As always, Hannah delivers with her usual wit and charm to help us get the look we want when we step out in that dress or outfit. Watch Now>>
This is the longest video we’ve done and was one of the more humbling ones lol. I hope you enjoy it! I love doing these things.
So, I have a boss. My boss also has a boss. He in turn also has a boss. This would be my Great Grandpa Boss, I suppose.
In the almost six years I have been with the college where I work, I have never, ever spoken to Great Grandpa Boss (GGB).
Until a couple of weeks ago.
Each week my team has a Zoom meeting with another team and most of the time GGB pops in and he usually just listens but on rare occasions he will offer his thoughts. He’s a smart guy and I don’t want to portray him as out of touch but sometimes when a manager or whatever is that far up the leadership ladder they are not always aware of the challenges people in other roles face.
My school has made some… questionable financial decisions in the last few years and the cyclical nature of college enrollment sometimes makes it difficult to accurately predict how the upcoming year will shake out. This year is like that. Colleges are expensive to maintain and colleges, and, at least in the United States, can be expensive to attend. Declining enrollment, influenced by things outside of our control, usually leads to financial problems.
I don’t think my college will be closing anytime soon or ever, but last week, for the first time I’ve been with the school, they laid off five to ten percent of the staff. Considering that, alongside declining enrollment, and the aforementioned questionable financial decisions, it makes things a little… twitchy.
During a recent Zoom meeting GGB did something he’s never done before. He asked the team for their thoughts on “the current situation”. Predictably, crickets. I mean, who wants to risk saying anything that could come across as criticism?
Apparently I do.
After a few moments of tense silence that could be cut with a stiletto, I offered my thoughts. Mind you, I didn’t mention the business decisions he made but after twenty years in education it’s easy to see patterns in education and the ups and downs of college enrollment. Although there are things outside of our control, certain factors, such as employment statistics, are usually a telltale sign when it comes to college enrollment.
What I mean is that if the unemployment rate is high, colleges see an increase in people going back to school to learn new skills and to be more marketable. The opposite of this is true. If you have been paying attention, declining college enrollment shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.
Essentially, this could have been predicted and the current environment could have been planned for. MAYBE we shouldn’t have made the business decisions we did and spent the millions we did when anyone with a passing familiarity with patterns would have seen the current environment coming. I mean, aren’t industry trends and history important when it comes to planning for the future?
I know I overthink but none of this is, in my opinion, is overthinking. It’s simply paying attention. I am not freaking out because I saw this coming.
Anyway, back to the meeting.
I carefully offered my thoughts. I slowly chose my words. I avoided any phrasing that sounded like criticism. I stuck to the facts, metrics, statistics, and what history has shown us. I was nervous the whole time and kept telling myself to stooooooooooop. Eventually I did.
As I was babbling away, I looked at my boss in the little square to gauge his reaction. I mean, it’s kinda risky when your employee is engaging with your boss’ boss. I was afraid I was crossing a line but considering he wasn’t gritting his teeth with a wide-eyed stare I took that as a good sign.
The call ended, and I waited for my boss to call me. His boss tends to overreact and calls him the moment anything happens. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he yelled at my boss for my comments, not necessarily for what I said, but for simply engaging with his boss and offering anything less than a perspective that everything is awesome.
But that call never came so I chalked it up as maybe I didn’t do anything wrong.
Morbid curiosity and paranoia got the best of me so a few days later I asked my boss if I committed a faux pas or career suicide. He assured me that I was fine but he did say that he was stifling a laugh the whole time because he could tell from my facial expressions that I was holding back. That I was painfully being polite. That I was struggling to choose the right words and phrasing.
I laughed and I said he was probably right. I likely was doing these things, even subconsciously. Just as history and trends can be telltale signs, I also have them.
The other day my wife and I had a similar conversation about my facial expressions. I am not mysterious, I am not subtle, I don’t have a poker face. Even if I am not saying a word it’s easy to decipher what I am thinking or feeling.
By now you HAVE to be wondering what on earth ANY of this has to do with a website that focuses on gender identity. If you are, that’s okay, because I am starting to wonder about that as well.
Not long ago I did a lingerie photo shoot. I received the final pictures about three weeks ago and besides tweeting a shot here and there, I haven’t shared them. Normally I am alllll over posting new pictures but I am just not enthusiastic about these.
My lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with Shannonlee’s photography or the beautiful studio or the gorgeous lingerie. It has everything to do with ME. I mean, I am the constant in these shots, right? The lingerie might be cute, the angle of the photo might be perfect, the light streaming into the studio might be breathtaking, but at the end of the day it’s a photo with me in it.
I am consciously smiling more during these shoots. I mean, why wouldn’t I? I love these things. I have also finally accepted that I can’t really pull off a come-hither look so, I may as well smile. But there were two things that were on my mind that day. I was having car issues and I was worried if my Kia would make the 13 mile journey to the mechanic. The other was the undeniable fact that I have gained weight.
I can fake a smile during these shoots. No problem. But it’s not realllly faking a smile. I love shoots and I love working with Shannonlee so they’re a lot of fun. When I start hearing the click of her camera it means that it’s showtime. I shift my mindset and smile away.
However, this shoot was a little different. Shannonlee was using a different camera which didn’t have the friendly click signaling that she was taking photos. Without this auditory cue I was never sure if she was taking photos or looking through the camera lens and deciding if the shot looked good or not. What I mean is that I was mostly lost in my thoughts and my facial expressions, my body language, was reflecting what I was thinking about.
In addition to thinking about my car (and the potential expenses and the risk of breaking down on the freeway in four inch stilettos), I was thinking about my body. Which is easy to do when you’re wearing nothing but a bra and panty and you’re surrounded by mirrors. I lost quite a bit of weight about ten years ago and it’s been creeping back. I still work out, I still avoid sweets, and I don’t drink alcohol or soda, so there’s not an obvious reason for this. I mean, I am aging and my body is also aging and slowing down, particularly my metabolism.
I met with my doctor very recently and we are exploring if something is wrong with my thyroid which impacts metabolism. My anti-depressant also has a side effect of weight gain. I was prescribed something new that I am hoping my insurance will approve.
I am thankful for my body but I suppose I can’t shake off feeling discouraged that all the work I did to lose weight and to keep it off is coming undone.
Because of these two consuming thoughts, I simply wasn’t in the right headspace for a shoot. And because I never really knew if Shannonlee was taking a photo I wasn’t always flashing a smile for the camera when it was time to. In a way, this shoot shows me at my most human. You can see the pictures and just know that something is on my mind. Worry, regret, discouragement, disappointment, reluctant acceptance…
In many ways I don’t like these photos. But in other ways, I think it’s interesting to have moments of introspection and emotion captured. I think the lingerie, although sexy, adds to a feeling of vulnerability. This is a normal emotion when you’re almost nude.
The photo below is me staring into a mirror. I remember a feeling of resigned reality that my body has changed and my lack of clothing can’t hide my curves and love handles. It was a very introspective moment that I didn’t know Shannonlee had captured.
Of course, the shoot wasn’t all doom and gloom. It’s always fun to shoot with Shannonlee and when I knew she was taking pictures I did my best to flash a smile. I was feeling a little bold and we stepped onto the roof and I climbed up the fire escape in stilettos for a few pictures.
I used to keep a journal when I was younger and I wrote almost every day. Looking back through them I am glad I did this. Remembering moments and thoughts and emotions and experiences that have been lost to time is really interesting to me. To have that chronicle of your life. Although I don’t journal anymore, I feel that this website, these photos, show a journey. My perspective shifts, my body changes, my confidence ebbs and flows… I suppose in a few years (or hours) I will think that this post is rather foolish and self-pitying.
These photos, although not all of them are my favorite, mark a day in my life when I wore my heart on my sleeve.
…when I wasn’t even wearing sleeves, but you know what I mean.
Love, Hannah
P.S. Instead of the normal posting of each outfit that I wear in a shoot over several posts, I just updated the photo page with pictures from the day.
There’s no question that, for the most part, children are raised influenced by the anatomy they are born with. The toys we are given to play with, the careers we are told we can pursue, the colors we are allowed to like, and of course, the clothes we are dressed in. This genderification sets us on a path for the rest of our lives. As we do our best to survive childhood we are also taught that certain feelings are for certain genders as well as what feelings are appropriate to express or discuss or acknowledge.
This path and this societal expectation stubbornly and persistently continues throughout our entire lives. The genesis of this conditioning is, ludicrously enough, all determined by the genitalia we have. Something so inconsequential, something that is arguably trivial, determines almost every aspect of our lives and relationships.
It reminds me of the song “What a Good Boy” by the Barenaked Ladies:
When I was born, they looked at me and said “What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy” And when you were born, they looked at you and said “What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl”
We’ve got these chains hanging around our necks People wanna strangle us with them before we take our first breath Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same When temptation calls, we just look away
If you’re reading this website it’s likely you identify on some level of gender non-conformity. Perhaps you crossdress, perhaps you have transitioned, or one of the many aspects of gender identity and/or gender presentation between those two points.
You probably wondered why we have decided to shape the world this way. Why, oh why, did we establish these rules and societal norms? Why do we choose to keep this status quo?
And it is a choice.
It’s hard to even imagine how we can reverse this. It’s not unlike untangling Christmas lights that have been entwined for decades in the attic. Where does one even begin?
I got to thinking about all this when a friend of mine mentioned to me how exhausting and pointless to exert all this energy trying to fit into what society expects a male presenting person to be and what a male presenting person to not be.
In my male presenting adventures, I am not allowed to do certain things. And yes, I know feminine presenting people also have these expectations, but as someone who was raised as a boy and as someone who presents as a boy for most of my life, I am most familiar and have the most personal experience with male societal norms.
My friend wrote that sometimes people are told that certain behaviors and attributes and characteristics are assets. Like, it’s good to be brave, it’s good to be strong, to be confident. And to be clear, I do think it’s good to be these things, but I feel that as someone who was raised mainly influenced by what a boy or a man should be, I was also raised being told that the opposite of these attributes were weak.
This is when shame can come in. If we identify with emotions and behaviors we are told are “weak” we likely will feel ashamed that we can relate to a man who feels sad or relate to a man who wears “girl clothes”.
A gentle reinforcement of gender norms.
Unless it’s for “comedic” effect, men are rarely portrayed in movies as anything but strong and brave. Stoic. Confident. Gender, from a binary perspective, is usually written as surfacy. There’s little depth in these characteristics. Watching these movies as we grow up reinforce what a boy/girl “should” be.
And by default, it’s implied that not adhering to these norms is wrong. It’s weak for a man to show emotions.
I believe that this is what my friend meant when she said that an “asset” is a liability. Not sharing your feelings can lead to a challenging life and challenging relationships. I don’t care what is between your legs but if you don’t discuss your feelings and thoughts and if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable I think you’ll likely have a difficult and lonely life.
And my god, can you imagine a quicker way to sabotage a relationship? To commit to someone and never discussing your feelings with them? To always be “strong” and never “weak”?
I think many of us will come to a breaking point or as my friend put it, we get to a point when we finally crack. We can only hold back an emotion, a desire, for so long. When this happens, it’s possible we may express the feelings in a less than productive way. My friend went on to say that even when we acknowledge these suppressed emotions and desires we may never shake off the shame we were told to feel as we grew up.
And she’s right.
Breaking away and breaking from the expectations and norms that our families and society have of us is difficult and one of the strongest and bravest things we can do. Which is kind of funny, isn’t it?
What I mean is that as a boy I was told that crying and feelings and pink is for girls. But as an adult I feel that being vulnerable is one of the most courageous things I can be. To leave the house in the pinkest dress ever. To walk with my head held high in matching pink stilettos.
If this is so weak, then why do I feel braver, and stronger, than I ever have in my life? It’s easy to adhere to the “rules” that society has for us. It’s easy to color inside the lines, if you will.
Breaking away from an established norm is so hard. Breaking from a pattern is hard. I feel that so much of my life has been crawling out from under the heel of gender norms and what a “man” should be. On a personal note, my father was abusive and his father was abusive. Horrible men, if I am being honest. If this type of behavior is hardwired into us I knew I had to do something before it was too late. Years of therapy, years of getting help with discussing my feelings, years of being told that it’s okay to be “weak”.
Of course, it’s not weak. That was one of the first mindsets I had to change. It’s not weak to acknowledge your feelings. It’s not weak to advocate for yourself. It’s not weak to strut through the lingerie section of a store in the tallest heels known to humanity.
I know I overthink and I used to feel that I overthought my outfit whenever I would go out en femme. Buuuut I kinnnnda think many of us consider countless aspects relating to our dress, our heels, our… everything when we go out.
I think about where I am going, what I am doing, who I might be meeting up with… it can be a bit of a puzzle when I am spending the day doing casual adventures but later I am going to the theatre or something. Both parts of the day have a different vibe and unless I am going to change somewhere I might be overdressed for the mall but perfect for watching a play.
This past Saturday I had plans that would begin around 5pm and I scheduled my makeup appointment for 9am. That’s a long day. But it was on purpose. I wanted a day out, plain and simple. I scheduled a wig consultation but otherwise I was as free as a bird for hours and hours.
I knew I’d be walking around a lot so I took that into consideration when I chose my heels for the day. I had recently splurged on six pairs of stilettos and I knew I wanted to wear one of my new treasures. It came down to two different pairs. One was a black patent stiletto with a lot of buckled ankle straps and the other was a pair of baby pink stilettos. I had a feeling I would be shopping and trying on clothes and I didn’t want to constantly unfasted and refasten alllll those ankle straps so I went with the pink.
Pink can be a tricky color to pair since there are so many shades of it. I had narrowed my dress down to two options.
The day before I went out I tried both of them to make sure they still fit and I decided I would make up my mind the next day. After I cinched my corset and slipped my forms into my pocket bra I stepped into the bodycon dress and the zipper was not having it. The forms and the corset made me a little bigger, in a way. I didn’t want to wake up my wife for her help so my default the pink dress was my outfit du jour.
The heels and dress matched wonderfully but I was as pink as it gets. I know a six foot t-girl is going to stand out no matter where she is, but if you add four inch heels and a dress like this you need to abandon all hopes of blending in.
You have to own it.
You’ll turn heads and it’s best if your own is held high when they see you.
And they will see you.
I went to see my makeup artist and she loved the outfit. I told her I was afraid it was too much pink but she shot that down. And with that, my confidence went up.
After my wig consultation I popped into a bookstore and on my way out a woman was leaving the shop that was next door. As we walked to the parking lot she told me she loved loved loved my dress. I thanked her and I admitted I was afraid it was, well, too much, too formal, too pink.
She waved her hand and said “it’s not and who cares”.
It was one of those moments that just really speak to you. I dress for myself and I give little thought to what others may think, but at the moment I wonder if I spoke my real thoughts. Those thoughts being that maybe I am overdressed, maybe I should tone it down a little when I am out. Maybe I should do more to make myself less of a spectacle.
What I mean by spectacle is that as a six foot (and then a little more) tall transgirl I am going to stand out. Perhaps I shouldn’t… well, add to that?
This is a difficult world for many of us. And not just the gender nonconforming community. The joy we gain from things we love are the same things others want to ridicule for their own edification. It’s frustrating that others find happiness in dulling other’s sparkle, if you will. If someone likes a singer or romance books or whatever, let them. Why make the effort to mock them? Let them like things.
If dressing to the nines while browsing a bookstore makes them happy, c’est la vie. If dressing to the nines makes YOU happy, then do it. I happily painted the town pink the rest of the day.
It’s not too much if it makes you happy.
And if someone else thinks it’s too much, then who cares.
You have the freedom to listen to, or not listen to, anyone’s opinion.
I have a fairly rectangular shape and since many dresses are designed for someone with a different body shape than myself, some outfits just… well, hang on me. Items like corsets, pads, and forms can make a huge difference. What I mean is that when I am en femme I am always trying to look my best but I don’t necessarily think that one needs to have a certain shape to be femme. Rather, I think a little help with adjusting your body’s shape can help some dresses look better on you.
Corsets require discipline and training, thigh pads require a financial investment. Presentation can take time, patience, and money but more than anything, presentation takes confidence and how you gain that confidence is different from person to person.
It’s humbling and exciting when you realize how much you don’t know. I’ve been wearing makeup for almost twenty years and over time I’ve adapted to a changing face in terms of shape as well as through the natural progression of aging. I use different techniques and products today compared to ten years ago.
So much about makeup isn’t even about lipstick and eyeshadow. Skincare, diet, and vitamins all play a part in how your makeup will look. And with so many options out there it’s important you find the right shade and the right product.
Admittingly this can be overwhelming.
Allllll of this was running through my head (and it was hard to keep up in the heels I was wearing lol) during the monthly MN T-Girls event this past weekend. On Saturday we were treated to makeup demonstrations and one-on-one help and private, afterhours shopping at Cos Bar in Edina.
This was our third visit and each visit surpasses the previous. The enthusiasm from the artists is contagious and omg we all felt so beautiful. It’s easy to feel that way during a makeover but I think there’s magic in details and subtlety. What I mean is when someone brings attention to something small that you don’t really think about. My artist complimented me on my feminine cheekbones and my fair skin. I have been riding that high for days.
I’ve been struggling with color correcting for a few months (again, our skin changes and therefore our makeup needs also change) and with my artists’ help I was able to add a new foundation and technique to my skillset.
Makeup can be overwhelming, especially when you understand how much makeup has to do with skincare and taking care of yourself. So much about makeup has nothing to do with brushes and eyeliner, but rather exfoliation and whether you’re getting enough vitamin C. But makeup, like many things, requires commitment.
As I drove home my brain started to process everything that I learned and I became excited about makeup all over again.
This was a wonderful evening. I cannot thank the fantastic people at Cos Bar. Incredibly supportive, absolutely affirming, and the best of the best.
It’s not uncommon when my wife asks me to get something off from a shelf that she can’t reach. This also happens at the grocery store as well. Strangers ask if I can reach something for them. They usually thank me and comment how nice it must be to be so tall.
I used to hate being reminded that I was tall. I know it’s not what anyone ever meant but sometimes that innocent comment triggered the thought that I was too tall to be femme, and too tall to wear heels.
But that was then. Those thoughts were prominent before I started to go out en femme. By the time I was strutting around Minneapolis I had realized that no one is too tall or too anything to be femme. Since then my height hasn’t bothered me at all.
And! I’ve come to embrace and love my height. Accepting something about yourself that can’t be changed is one thing, but taking it one step further and taking joy from that attribute is the lace on the nightgown.
Height has been on my mind lately. I received a raise and a promotion at work (well, where else would I receive a raise and a promotion?) and I let the Pink Fog take over. I splurged on new heels. Over the next few weeks giant pink boxes found their way to my doorstep. Each pair was from OnlyMaker.
I’m sure this is the case for all of us, but when I get a new dress or heels I HAVE to try them on. Of course I am excited to do so, but I also want to quell the fear that the $60 pair of stilettos will fit.
They did! Eventually. Like most shoes I needed to break them in. Annnnd I don’t want to break them by walking around the mall or wherever. Working from home offers many benefits and one is that I can wear platform heels at work.
Years ago I wouldn’t have purchased platforms or five inch stilettos because of the whole height thing but I didn’t hold back when I kept clicking “add to cart” again and again and again.
I slipped into the heels and in most cases I also fastened the ankle straps and I stood up.
Whoa.
Yes, I am tall, and yes, I am taller in heels but sometimes I am taken aback but how much taller I can be.
Annnd I love it. If I am going to be tall, I may as well be the tallest girl in Minnesota.
Embrace your height, girls. The weather up here is glorious.
Not to sound tooooo shallow but when the MN T-Girls meet up it’s not uncommon for us to compliment each other on our outfits. Can you blame us? We always look so cute.
Talking about shoes or a dress usually leads to us talking about lucky we were to find heels that fit or the wonderful experience we had trying on a dress at a department store. Every outfit has a story.
Part of the story is where we found it. It seems like most of the clothes I wear on a regular basis are from En Femme. And this is not because I am promoting them specifically or because of the Help Me, Hannah! videos we create together. I wear En Femme for the same reason I work with them: because I love their clothes.
This adoration comes from the variety of outfits, the quality and design of their gaffs, but also from how they fit. I love that a bodysuit can solve a lot of my wardrobe dilemmas and I love how their bodysuits just fit perfectly, especially in the shoulders.
When they have a new item on their site I am excited to check it out. I was pleasantly surprised when they announced the Angelina Bustier. I heart lingerie and I was excited to see En Femme add this to their website. They do amazing things with bodysuits and dresses so expanding to more lingerie options made me a happy girl.
It arrived and I added it to the ever expanding items for my last photo shoot. Like every item I order I had tried it on to make sure it fit (no concerns there) but I usually try things on in boy mode since that’s my default presentation. When I actually wear something whether it’s for a shoot or going out, that’s when I really see how something looks on me.
I was excited to see how the bustier looked with my forms (hooray for breast form pockets) when I was all dolled up. I was not disappointed. Like En Femme’s bodysuits, the bustier is designed for a longer torso. Since the bustier has pocket bras the addition of curves did not alter how the bustier fit. Sometimes a dress fits perfectly but when I wear it with forms the added va va voom alters how it drapes over me.
I paired this with one of En Femme’s thong gaffs, stockings, and gloves. I think I looked amazing.
I feel that a quality and sexy bustier is hard to find. I also feel that they are an underrated piece of lingerie with a lot of attention pointed towards corsets. But a bustier is sexy and is perfect for someone who wants something beautiful without the discipline that a corset demands.
Love this item and I hope that En Femme continues to offer more pieces like this.
I was asked if I wanted to write a piece for their website and I happily contributed an article. This was a fun little strut down memory lane. When I write something to a website I usually focus on the early days of my journey and this was no exception. Writings for my site tend to be where I am now (emotionally or otherwise) so revisiting my beginnings can be fun to recall.
We all have different perspectives and experiences and our different perspectives are usually based on our experiences.
We also have different opinions and an opinion is not something that is necessarily right or wrong. For example, some of us feel that thigh highs are better than pantyhose. This is an opinion. You likely have reasons why you feel this way, but you’ll never be “right” because someone else will have the opposite opinion.
Some people get very offended when someone has a different opinion about something that they are passionate about. I hate maxi dresses and some girls love them and I usually take a little flak when I say this, lol. Additionally, some people take it very personally when someone has a different perspective than their own. But again, perspectives are often based on someone’s experience.
I get emails about how I should not identify as transgender because I haven’t and do not plan on transitioning. I think this is because others that have or are transitioning have the opinion that identifying as transgender requires HRT or other similar steps.
I don’t think you can tell someone else how they should identify. I identify as transgender based on my own perspective on what The T Word means. I wouldn’t tell someone how they SHOULD identify. This is a personal decision.
I should mention that some of ya’ll have asked for my opinion/thoughts about how they should identify. Again, this is a personal decision but if I am asked, I will carefully tell them how I personally would identify in their heels. And I almost always tell them I would consider them transgender.
Again, this is based on my own perspective on the word. I do not think identifying as transgender has to mean transitioning.
And! I do acknowledge that not everyone will have this same perspective.
But! I do not think anyone has the right to tell someone that how they identify is wrong.
My perspective and opinion about The T Word is that it is an umbrella term, if you will. It can cover people who identify as a crossdresser, non-binary, drag, bi-gender… Essentially my definition of ‘transgender’ is a person who connects with societal and stereotypical gender characteristics of a different gender from the one they were assigned at birth. I suppose it might be more appropriate to use the term ‘gender nonconforming’ as the umbrella term but that is a topic for another day.
And yes, I know many of us care little about labels but for a lot of us we take comfort, especially in the early days of our journey, in knowing that there are so many like ourselves that there is a term for us. We often feel that we are the only ones in the world who love feeling pretty or wearing panties so knowing that there are countless others like us can be very reassuring.
But for every person who doesn’t concern themselves about labels there is someone who is very passionate about them… almost to the point where they may feel offended if someone identifies in a way that they don’t agree with. For example, when I get emails telling me that I am not transgender because I will not be transitioning. Obviously they feel that in order for someone to identify in that way then transitioning is required, but I don’t think that’s necessary.
And yes, this is my opinion but even Merriam Webster‘s definition of transgender makes no mention of medical or legal changes:
: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person was identified as having at birth especially : of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is opposite the sex the person was identified as having at birth
Still, I will never say that my opinion of The T Word is never anything more than my opinion. I know that others disagree.
There is a small discord in our community about this very topic. Some of us who choose to identify as something, choose to identify as crossdressers, some as transvestites, the list goes on. And that’s wonderful! Identify (or don’t) how you wish, identify in a way you feel comfortable and beautiful and whole and happy. Yes, there are others who will say how you identify is wrong but don’t let them dull your sparkle.
As the title of this post says, I want to talk about those who identify as crossdressers.
I think out of all of us, crossdressers have the widest variation of presentation and wardrobe preferences. What I mean is that some crossdressers only underdress. Just panties, and that is it. They have never wanted to wear anything else that is commonly referred to as “girl clothes”.
But on the opposite side, I know girls who present completely en femme, from wig to heels and everything in-between who also identify as crossdressers.
I think both ends of the crossdressing spectrum get too much shit from some gender nonconforming people, if I am being honest.
Let’s acknowledge that in most media (movies, television shows) a crossdresser is usually portrayed and thought of as a fetishist. Crossdressing for decades was/is considered kinky or something a pervert would do. This stigma still stubbornly lingers and will probably do so for decades.
Because of this, some do not want to identify as a crossdresser. And that’s fair. You don’t need a reason to identify or to not identify in a certain way. Some want to make it clear that their dressing (whether it’s panties or more than that) has no connection to eroticism. And that’s also fair. There’s not a single whiff of sexual stimulation with what I wear. This side of me does not, if I am putting it crudely, turn me on.
Some girls who present completely femme but identify as a crossdresser get offended when some dude who only wears panties also identifies as such. They put in hours of careful work on their presentation and feel that their efforts are diminished when they are categorized in the same way as someone who only underdresses. To some, they are expressing their gender identity, not a fetish.
The opposite also happens. Some boys who wear panties want to make it clear that they do not have a feminine side and don’t feel that their gender identity is impacted by pink satin thong they wear under their khakis. Perhaps there is an element of arousal in this, perhaps not.
I don’t think I am saying anything shocking when I say that although “boys wearing girl clothes” isn’t arousing to EVERY “boy that wears girl clothes”. This perception, enforced by decades of hurtful stereotyping, still prevails. At least on the internet. It doesn’t take long to find photos of a sexual nature when googling “crossdressing”. I don’t think that the majority of “boys that wear girl clothes” do so because of a fetish but I suppose enough do as “proof” that ALL of us are aroused by it.
Annnnd honestly this perception is exhausting. I am not kink shaming anyone and I am not blaming crossdressing fetishists (promise) but since this stereotype exists every time I’ve had The Talk, a significant amount of time is dedicated to dismantling the myth that this is a kink for every “boy that wears girl clothes”.
Annnnnd there’s nothing wrong with this (or almost anything else) as a kink or a fetish. I feel that most of us have something that we, well, really like, but I really want to be understood, as much as possible. Gender identity isn’t an easy thing for most of the world to understand. A person with a penis who CHOOSES to wear panties isn’t easy to understand. A person who doesn’t HAVE to wear high heels but chooses to, also isn’t easy to understand. I spent yesterday breaking in a pair of stilettos and my wife is continually amazed that anyone would choose to wear those things, lol.
People who identify as crossdressers get a bad rap, as far as I am concerned, especially for those who wear girl clothes for non-sexual reasons. I identify as transgender and more specifically as bi-gender. I don’t think gender is binary, but I think for the most part, my gender identities ARE binary. What I mean is that I present as either boy OR girl (based on societal norms). BUT I am still a crossdresser in a way.
If we define crossdressing as someone who wears SOMETHING (whether it’s nail polish or panties) that are associated with a different gender, then I am RIGHT NOW crossdressing. As I type this I am drinking coffee and getting ready to leave the house in about 45 minutes. I haven’t shaved my face in two days, I am wearing a shirt and a pair of jeans that came from the men’s department at Target but I am under the jeans is a cute pink panty.
I am presenting as male but I am wearing “girl clothes” (not that you can tell). I consider this as crossdressing. Last week I brushed my wig, had a makeover, wore a cute pleated skirt, and cinched my corset. That day I presented as femme but I didn’t consider myself as a crossdresser.
And yes, this is rather nuanced. Nuanced to the point where it’s almost ridiculous when it comes to terminology. I suppose many cisgender people wouldn’t see the difference between “crossdressing” and “presenting femme” but I think a lot of us get it.
To some, fueled by decades of damaging stereotyping, a hairy dude wearing panties and a transgender woman are no different from each other.
Some transgender women, and some who identify as crossdressers, are resentful of masculine identifying people who are aroused by wearing “girl clothes”. The resent is fueled by the prevailing perception that ALL OF THIS is sexual for EVERYONE.
But we know it’s not.
This perception is NOT the fault of crossdressers. It’s not even the fault of crossdressing fetishists.
If anyone is to blame, it’s the fault of anyone who pushed this portrayal in “entertainment”. It’s the fault of every lazy reporter and journalist who never bothered to consider that crossdressing isn’t the kink that most people are told it is.
Of course, we can’t ignore that crossdressing IS very much a kink to some. The internet and porn is filled with this portrayal. Does this damage the non-sexual crossdressing/transgender community?
Maybe?
But the way I see it, there are outliers in every community. For example! I used to work at a book store. The department head of the science fiction/fantasy section was a die-hard, obsessive Star Wars fan. I love that people have hobbies and interests but this guy took his passion to a whole new level. He argued with anyone who had a different opinion on a character or a movie, whether it was an employee or a customer. He was overly critical about every aspect of anything related to Star Wars and although he might not be sexist, he suuuuuure hated every female character in Star Wars.
When people talk about toxic fandom this guy is the first person I think of.
It wouldn’t be unusual if someone who knew him came to the conclusion that the Stars Wars fandom was dominated by insufferable misogynistic assholes. But this was just one guy. I mean, he’s probably not the ONLY insufferable misogynistic asshole Star Wars fan but I really don’t think that the majority of Star Wars fans are insufferable misogynistic assholes.
But because of dudes like this, science fiction fans in movies are almost always portrayed as nerdy guys who can’t get laid. It’s an easy joke, it’s a simple laugh, but it’s lazy and (probably) not as prevailing as the screenwriter is suggesting.
I suppose I should point that a screenwriter is just trying to write a stupid movie and likely isn’t concerned if they are reinforcing an inaccurate or damaging stereotype. However, I feel that most stereotypes aren’t as prevailing as they are thought to be and it’s always lazy to go for the cheap laugh. Yes, I know that the nerdy virgin who really really likes Star Wars will probably get a chuckle from the audience but it’s still lazy.
Whether you’re a Swiftie or a Sissy, the more extreme and vocal demographics of a community tend to represent a group, even if they are a minority.
It’s not unlike a movie that has a crossdresser but they are written to be kinky or as comedy relief. Just once I would like to see a male character in a movie who wears a nightgown but is just a normal person.
I get emails from girls who identify as transgender who tell me that those who identify as crossdressers damage the public’s perception of the gender nonconforming community. This perception influences our portrayal in “entertainment” over the last few decades which is typically a sex obsessed or confused character that is usually meant to be comedic.
Yes, this is frustrating to see a character like this. Characters like that have absolutely shaped the world’s idea of what a GNC person is like. This is evident if you’ve ever come out to someone. Every time I’ve had The Talk I’ve been asked if this is a kink and if I am unsure of my sexuality/gender.
I don’t blame the person asking these questions. Movies and television shows have been telling stories about us for a very long time and almost every single time we’ve portrayed as such. We are (trying) to undo decades of stereotyping.
Much of the world doesn’t understand the difference between someone who wear panties as a kink and someone who feels the gender they were assigned at birth is wrong and makes drastic and challenging (and expensive) steps to have the body and the pronouns is right for them. Because of this, anything outside of the gender binary will always be perceived as sexual.
For example!
I exchange emails with people who grew up hating themselves, they felt uncomfortable in their skin, they despised their reflection, they didn’t fit in with the other boys. They had painful childhoods and were convinced there was something wrong with them. As they grew older they began to understand gender identity and they realized that many of their feelings and thoughts were entwined in this. After years of therapy and in some cases medical procedures, they have transitioned and feel happy and complete.
Their journeys sound difficult and heartbreaking. They are not steps that one takes casually.
I also exchange emails with people who lingerie during sexy time with their partner.
In both of these instances there is an element of going outside the gender binary but for different reasons.
Since much of the world doesn’t understand (or try to understand) the differences in these instances, someone who transitions is no different than someone who wears “girl clothes” during sex. Therefore, to some, every person that does ANYTHING outside of the binary is doing so for sexual reasons. All GNC people will likely be perceived by many as perverts.
And yes, this is frustrating. It’s frustrating to have something so important, so personal, so special, be reduced to something that is believed to be only sexual.
But this is not the fault of people who identify as crossdressers, regardless if the person who identifies as a crossdresser just underdresses or the person who identifies as a crossdresser presents completely en femme.
No one can tell someone else how they should identify even if how they identify is different than how you feel they should. If you feel someone should or shouldn’t identify in a certain way, it’s best to just keep your thoughts to yourself. It likely will not help anything. We as GNC people have enough dysphoria as it is and getting negative feedback from other GNC people stings even more.
My point in this is that we need to stick together. When someone tells me that they feel that crossdressers, sissies, or drag artists hurts the public perceptions of transwomen… well, I understand what they mean, to a point.
I identify as transgender as do many of us. If you identify the same way you may feel that transitioning is required to do so. Although we may identify the same way, we feel that there are different requirements to do so. I think it’s important that although we disagree on some points, we need to accept that neither of us is, well, definitively correct. It’s not helpful to tell one another who is “allowed” to identify in a certain way. We should support each other, even if it’s just keeping our opinion to ourselves. Let’s not police each other. Let’s not make others feel bad or ostracized when it’s possible they may already be feeling insecure or alone.
As I mentioned, sometimes I feel I am crossdressing. Like right now. Decades ago before I realized that all of THIS was entwined with gender identity and before I identified as transgender/bi-gender I was firmly in the crossdressing category.
Little did I know, and goodness I was naive, that for some of us crossdressing was very much a fetish. I didn’t know how sexual this was for some. I admit I was a little annoyed that something so important to me and something so personal was a kink to others. I didn’t know that was seemingly the prevailing opinion of the rest of the world. I felt that pornography was, well, diminishing something that I loved about myself. I didn’t want to be sexualized.
But regardless of how I identify, as long as I am outside of the gender binary, there is likely adult material that appeals to those who sexualize GNC people. We all know that transgender porn is a real thing.
And just as the overlap between crossdressing and porn annoyed me, on some level transgender porn annoyed me. Again, I bristled at the suggestion that something so pure and something that brought so much joy was/is kinky.
And if this is indeed erotic to you, okay! I am not kink shaming anyone. Promise. 🙂
Pornography is, well, a business. Everything is sexualized. There’s probably an audience for anything you can think of. This is not going to change anytime soon or ever.
But pornography is the business of selling a fantasy. It’s not real life. People should remember that. But I think some people conveniently choose to selectively believe what aligns with what they wish to be true. Ergo, that being GNC is sexual for ANYONE who is GNC.
This is what I think is the issue. It’s the world that has decided that THIS is kinky and it is ONLY kinky. Whether you wear panties during sexy time with your wife or whether you have been on HRT for years and are preparing the legal steps to change your name, to some, there is no difference.
And that sucks.
We have to work so hard to undo stereotypes and misunderstanding and intentional harmful portrayals when we come out to someone.
And that sucks.
The last thing we should be doing is criticizing others who are also GNC when they don’t fit the parameters that we think is true. I suppose my point is that if regardless of how you identify, let’s not tell belittle others who identify in the same manner. I have my own definitions and perspective on crossdressing and the T word, but I bend over backwards to emphasize that they are my own definitions and perspective. I know that others disagree.
Instead of us telling each other how a transgender person SHOULD identify, perhaps we should tell the world how a transgender person CAN identify.
Love, Hannah
Supporting others who are GNC even if they identify as something different from yourself
Hannah McKnight 