Hi!
Just a reminder that just because many of us have to keep this side of us a secret (for various reasons), it does not mean that there’s anything “wrong” with who we are.
It can be, well, soul crushing at times to go through so much effort to be discreet. We go to great lengths to make sure all evidence of nail polish is gone, that the heels we wore last night are back in their box and placed in the highest corner of our closet in case someone happens to drop by. We scan our neighborhood to make sure no one sees us return from a day out shopping en femme. We use the self-checkout when we are picking up our foundation.
I keep this side of me to a VERY small number of people. Not because I am ashamed or because I am worried about what “they” might think (although to an extent there is a little of that). No, I keep my gender identity private-ish because it takes too long to explain. There’s too many nuances to discuss and I am exhausted just THINKING about coming out to more people in my life. It might be easier if I wanted to transition because in some ways that is more straightforward (even though I know it’s not as “simple” as I think it is). Most people know of a transperson, even if they don’t know someone personally. Most people know of Laverne Cox and Caitlyn Jenner so they have some context, some familiarity of someone who now has a gender identity and presentation and pronouns different from what they were assigned to when they were born.
But for someone like me (and maybe you)? We don’t have that context. There’s little representation for someone for a boy that sometimes is a girl.
BUT HANNAH! What about drag queens?
Girl, please.
What I do is not drag. But to be fair, I understand what you mean. Someone who does drag performs, they usually exaggerate feminine presentation, they (typically) don’t keep either of their identities a secret. Of course, most drag queens are gay so for a lot of people gay and drag are somewhat (perhaps unfairly) lumped together.
There are so many of us that are happy being a boy and happy being a girl. We love our wives and we love looking as beautiful as they are. Our gender identities are complex and are incredibly simple at the same. It’s the simplicity that is complicated for a lot of people. When we come out people can be confused when a boy sometimes feels like being a girl. It’s just how we feel, but some people INSIST there’s MORE to that. We are asked endlessly WHY we are who we are. Why we want to do, why we want to wear what we wear. Are we repressing something? Are we in denial about something? Is our gender identity a result of unaddressed trauma from our childhood?
Girl, please.
No. But I get it. I really do. One of the first descriptions of someone like us that I read in a book explained that some men wear lingerie because they weren’t loved by their parents (or something). I am glossing over what the writer was saying but that was basically it, how this side of us is connected to some emotional damage. This view is, of course, wrong, but it’s also harmful. The more people that believe this the more people will insist that those like us are who we are because of some unaddressed emotional issue.
And, of course, people might think that we are “broken”. Although no one gets through life without SOME form of trauma, it doesn’t mean we aren’t healed from it. I had an abusive father and it forever changed me, but I have come to terms and made peace with how I grew up. I know that some people would trip over themselves insisting that my gender identity is a result of my childhood.
Girl, please.
I was sneaking dresses and heels long before my father turned into who he became.
This is a beautiful side of me. It’s a beautiful side of you. It’s, well, annoying and frustrating to hear others think and even insist that this side of us is related to something being “wrong” or “broken” about us. There’s nothing wrong with who we are or with what we do, or what we wear, even if we keep this side of us a secret.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
I struggle with this. I always have. So keeping the secret offers some measure of emotional security. And yet, I’ve come out to more people that I probably should have at times and I’ve denied, lied and retreated more times than I can recall.
I honestly don’t know what is beneath my desire to present as a woman…to go out and experience life as a woman. I know that when I allow myself the option of living openly I feel very positive about it. And then at other times my mood shifts and I descend into a darker place inhabited by doubt, fear, shame and guilt.
I’ve tried to accept any number of possible explanations, all equally possible and equally impossible to prove or disprove. It seems that the best I can do is to simply conflicted as my normal state of mind.
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There is no doubt that girls like us tend to beat ourselves up more than most. That moment we realize we have these feminine feelings we almost immediately try to suppress them.
For most it just never works eventually we have to try on panties or a dress and once it’s done we are set.
Why am I this way I really don’t have a clue, does it really matter?
No I don’t believe it does but it sure has taken me a very long time to accept myself as who I am and still I struggle with it
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I understand Drag Queens are a special breed, I guess I’m kinda an oddball in that area? I’m a mtf non transitioning person (too old and for medical reasons can’t) I still dress when I can, and on nights where clubs have amateur events you’ll find me up there trying my best. doing Drag to me is another way of expressing myself except I can’t afford the flashy out fits Or do really outrageous makeup…
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For me outings have been a bit like being Cinderella, the wishing followed by the days or weeks of planning and finally stepping out to that fabulous and unmistakable sound of my heels that says “woman.” Of course it eventually has to come to an end and the hardest part is having to go back to reality and take all my finery off just as she had to hurry home. For her it is was to not be seen in her rags but for me it’s before the five o’clock shadow beings to ruin a reasonable make over and spoil living an otherwise perfect dream.
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The Sixty Minutes show on 5-23-21 was in depth look at the trans community status today. The state legislatures laws in 2021 against the trans community were over viewed. A trans spokesperson presented a unfavorable look that society would probally recoil from. The topic of regret after surgery was examined also. The mass audience most probably reinforced their negative attitudes towards the trans community.. Be cautious where you tread.
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Thank you for the interesting post Hannah. I’m often told that I’m far too analytical for my own good. I seek to establish reason for things, one of them being why I crossdress (when I can – I haven’t done so in earnest since early March 2020 due to the pandemic).
Sure, I’ll admit I had a fairly strict upbringing, but that hasn’t been a detriment to who I have become as an adult. It’s not a question of ‘coming out’ for me, more so, just being me and being generally content with it. Working from home, with family being out of work and others stopping in the household because they were stuck when lockdown happened, that was the default end to any Fiona time anyway and that, other than a brief instance in September 2020, is how it has been.
I have no wish to change gender, or feel a need to ‘come out’, but my penchant for crossdressing is lingerie related only, so there lies the issue for me to get in touch with my feminine side I’ve probably always had but only started to embrace around 2005 I think. I can’t wear at home and I’m not going to work to dress and wear there underneath either!
I can’t say why I started, and although I’ve considered working it out, I’ve not managed to get anywhere and why is there a need? I just try to embrace things when I can and in the meantime, I am exploring my sexuality in a very unique way. I don’t think I’m broken either although there have been times where I’ve remonstrated with myself as to what I was doing only to pick up again another time and carry on with the indulgences – very much in secret as it has been for getting on for 20 years – a way it will be staying – make no mistake about that.
What IS frustrating is watching quietly as people judge – often very ignorantly and with little or no tolerance or will to at least understand or just accept and let people be.
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