The unique… experience when it comes to having two gender identities is that one will (likely) have two gender presentations. The tricky thing is that both of my gender identities and presentations will forever be linked to each other. What I do for one gender affects the others. I shave Hannah’s legs, but that means the boy’s legs are shaved. Same with my eyebrows and anything else I do. I don’t do anything for Hannah that I do want done for the boy, if that makes sense. Regardless of the gender I am presenting as, I hate body hair so smooth legs (and anything else) is definitely okay.
I think I am going to have a hard time getting older. I don’t look *that* much different in my forties than I did when I was in my thirties. In my boy life I am aging, well, on pace. I have friends who seemingly went gray overnight (if they have hair at all). I didn’t start presenting completely en femme until about ten years ago. Hannah doesn’t look *that” much different these days than when she first strutted her way into the world. But I do think about the future. There will come a time when I can’t walk in stilettos anymore, or when a skirt that’s too short simply becomes, well, inappropriate. There may come a time when I wear a wig with a little gray in it, or have a style that’s a better look for someone older.
Of course, age is a number and I don’t HAVE to do anything or wear anything (or not wear anything) and if I can still pull off a leather dress in fifteen years, well, who’s going to stop me?
I can’t stop aging. Today I can accept that, but in the future I may not be able to accept that as gracefully.
I suppose that’s why I try to do what I want now because I know this time of my life is short (or at least it will seem that way as I get older).
About six years ago I quit drinking and lost a lot of weight. LIke, a lot of weight. Even today it’s one of my biggest accomplishments. I looked great in a size 12 dress and since my gender presentations live in the same body, I looked (and felt) better in male mode. Everything was great.
And then COVID hit. Gyms were closed and things were/are stressful. I wasn’t working out as much and I let my diet slip a bit. Inevitably I gained weight. Some of the weight gain is muscle, however. I started to run outside since going to the gym wasn’t an option and I worked my legs more than I usually did. But the scale doesn’t lie.
And yes, like age, weight is, one some level, just a number. But the weight gain is noticeable. It takes a little more effort to zip up some dresses compared to before. My face is a little rounder.
I would be lying if I said this weight gain didn’t break my heart a little. I worked so hard to quit drinking and lose the weight in the first place, so seeing some of it return is really, really hard for me. I hate the scale, and I hate the mirror. I am frustrated with myself and I wish I had taken better care of myself. But I am trying to remain positive. If I lost it once, I can lose it again. Unfortunately I don’t have the “magic bullet” of quitting drinking like I did before. I don’t have ONE BIG dietary habit that I can cut out to help. It’s just going to take more working out and better eating. Basically the weight loss will be slooooower and harder. And likely more frustrating.
But I can do it. As I said earlier, what my body looks like impacts both of my gender identities and it sounds really shallow but looking great in a dress is motivation for me.
Anyway I got to thinking about this (well, I’ve been thinking about all this for a few months now) but I decided to write about this after seeing some shots from a photo shoot I did last week. I was asked to review some stockings (review going soon) so I scheduled a shoot with Shannonlee to take some pictures. When I am asked to review something other than a dress (such as heels, breastforms, or a wig) I select an outfit around that. These particular stockings were fishnets(!) and it takes a certain outfit and heels to really match the sexiness of them. I had been looking for an excuse to wear my new vegan leather dress from En Femme for a while and I thought the dress and fishnets would look *amazing* together. Paired with red patent stilettos from The Breast Form Store my look was fire, as the kids say.
And I think I pulled it off. But I have to admit I cringed a bit when I saw the preview pictures. Leather isn’t forgiving, especially vegan leather which has almost a latex vibe to it. I just look… bigger than I would like, than I am used to. My corset helps but goodness it’s working hard.
This post isn’t to gain encouragement or sympathy or kind comments. Honest. I think it’s easier for me to write about some feelings than talk about them. It’s easier to share some feelings with the internet than it is to bare one’s soul to one person. The point (if there is one) to this post (and my website) is to discuss things that are unique to girls like us. A lot of us have two gender identities and I think we can all relate to each other in terms of how we feel and what we think about. Age, body changes, weight… anything that affects our bodies impacts our gender presentations. In male mode, I shrug off the weight gain. But Hannah has a very hard time with it. My boy clothes still fit fine, but goodness my corset needs to be cinched TIGHT for certain dresses.
Anyway, time for spin class.