We all have circles of friends. We have our circle of friends from work, our circle of friends from high school, and so on. These circles rarely overlap nor do they usually meet. And it’s… kind of weird when they do. I have different conversations and inside jokes with different circles and, in a way, a different side of myself depending on the circle.
I like to keep different parts of my life separate. I usually don’t discuss my personal life with my work friends, and I don’t normally talk about my job with my other friends.
This is especially true when it comes to the two different gender identities that I have.
Very, very few people in my boy life know about Hannah. And the few that do, they know OF her but they don’t really KNOW her.
As for Hannah’s world, most know that she has a second gender identity, a different life than what she has. Again, very, very few people in her life know more than simple details about my boy world.
I am not sure if it’s hard or not to keep these lives separate from each other. I suppose I am just used to it. It does take me a moment to respond when someone from work asks what I did over the weekend. If it was a boy weekend then I simply tell them what I did. If Hannah was around then I have to think of something else to tell them besides the truth which was likely getting a makeover and buying a new dress.
Is this lying? Yes, but who cares? My work colleagues PROBABLY don’t want to know the truth anyway.
Obviously my wife knows everything about both of my lives. She seems this website, she sees the clothes I order, she sees what is in the laundry basket. She also overhears my work phone calls, knows some of my co-workers, talks to my mom more than I do, and comes with me when I meet up with friends. She and I can discuss foundation, upcoming family events, and work stuff all in the same conversation.
It’s wonderful, really.
When I fully embraced who I was, when I adopted a femme name, when I started to leave the house and watch Hannah create her life and her world, there was a burst of happiness and release.
No, I was not letting my true self out. Rather my gender identity/identities was/were fully realized. After decades of wondering what all of THIS was, I came to a new part of my journey.
With this realization, there came a desire to come out to more people in my life. I was happy and I felt complete and I wanted to share this side of me with others. I wanted them to meet Hannah. I wanted her to have coffee with friends from my boy life.
Looking back I see how much of this was fueled by the Pink Fog.
I never came out to any of my friends. I had two friends who knew about my crossdressing and I shared with them my, ah, evolution, but I didn’t have The Talk with anyone else.
I’m glad I didn’t. The desire, the wanting to do so has simmered and cooled and subsided almost completely. There will always be moments where I wish Hannah could meet up with one of “his” friends but ultimately it’s best to keep my circles separate.
But let me be clear that this is what is right for me and what is right for “our” lives. The merging, the overlapping of different parts of my life is not something I do well with. Going out to dinner with a work colleague is kind of weird to me, no matter how well I get along with them at the office.
The fewer people that know about Hannah the easier it is for me to… hm, control the narrative. On one hand it is stressful and sometimes annoying to go back and forth but there are some people in my life/lives that would absolutely complicate, well, EVERYTHING if they knew EVERYTHING.
And I don’t need that. My life is complicated enough as it is and removing all the walls that separate the different aspects of my life and gender wouldn’t be the relief that it may bring others.
Again, this is simply to say what is right for me and what is right for Hannah. I have many friends that have come out to everyone in their lives and I’ve seen and heard how happy they are to be fully out. To be complete. To be honest with everyone.
I have a wonderful life. I have wonderful lives. I am protective of them. The walls that prevent any overlapping are bittersweet and for myself, necessary. Both worlds protect and compliment each other.
4 thoughts on “Circles”
have you ever come close to a conversational slip eg.my boy self knows a lady that has great lashes and I almost asked her how she does them. BIG mistake from a guy
OMG I hear you girl! I, like you love both sides of my lives & keeping them separate is hard work. I would love to come out, but that’s not possible & probably never will be. It would make it easier in some respects, but would definitely complicate things, I would likely loose friends & family & I’m just not willing to do that.
So we continue to keep the secret & be happy with what we have. I do know that I could never go back to just one life!
Thank you for writing this. I am realizing the value of “separate” lives and recognize the Pink Fog scenario. It made much sense for me.
“I have many friends that have come out to everyone in their lives and I’ve seen and heard how happy they are to be fully out. To be complete. To be honest with everyone.”
I’m not sure if I’m one of the folks Hannah is referring to here, but I definitely qualify. It got to the point for me that “I can’t be two people at once.” I would have something planned as Evelyn and get an invite from friends that didn’t know and I’d have to make an excuse for not being able to see them _again_. Or I’d have something with friends planned and then get the announcement for the next T-Girls event. It got to the point that it was just killing me inside to not be able to share the authentic me with everyone. Now, I suspect that being a trans woman makes that much easier than for someone who is bi-gender, since it is only “half of my world” that I have to come out to and let them know that my name is changing.
Indeed it has been a very happy time. Feeling complete in this way is something I never imagined. Feeling that I am being honest and open with folks touches deep in my being. I won’t say it is the correct choice for everyone, but it was for me. And, I would suggest that everyone needs to make the choice that is right for them, but to also keep an open mind about what options they have. And to keep that open mind after they make a choice. I thought it was something that wasn’t an option for me for decades, but I ultimately realized that it was an option, and then understood that it was the correct option.