I Was Lonely (and I Loved it)

Y’all know I hate the concept of us being on a journey but I begrudgingly and reluctantly use the term from time to time because, well, it’s relatable AND because it’s the most appropriate word sometimes.

I mean, we ARE on a journey. We may not think we are, or that we are at the end of it, but we’re still moving forward, even if we are making the tiniest, most subtle steps.

As we strut and stumble on this adventure our perspectives change, usually as a result of our environment and our experiences. Our journeys are ours alone, but from time to time we have traveling companions.

The people in our lives can inspire us and support us and love us. Of course, they can also suppress us and ridicule us, but let’s focus on the positive.

When I had my first apartment I was thrilled when I realized I could wear whatever I wanted whenever I pleased. I could fall asleep in a nightgown, I could have stilettos waiting for me on a shelf in my closet, I could have a dresser full of lingerie.

As thrilling as this was, the paranoia and fear of someone discovering this side of me was always there. What if my landlord needed access to my apartment while I was at work and my heels were lying on the floor? My landlord knew I lived alone and it’s possible he would have thought they were my girlfriend’s. It’s also possible he wouldn’t think twice about it. It’s also possible I am overthinking. And as unlikely as it was, HE could have had his own heels in his closet and would have understood.

But we all know the paranoia. It protects us, plain and simple.

I’ve come out to different people over the course of my lifetime and I’ve done so for various reasons. When it comes to the girls I’ve dated I did so because the relationship progressed to a point where they HAD to know.

I did not come out to the girl I was dating at the time I had my first apartment. We dated for a while and was one of my longer relationships. The length of time that we dated absolutely met the “we’ve been dating for a while and there’s something you need to know” requirement.

But we all have had people in our lives where coming out to them would be The Worst Idea Ever. This could be a significant other, family member, or co-worker.

Perhaps I am being unfair but I felt that if she knew about this side of me it would not only be the end of the relationship, but it wasn’t unrealistic to think that she would do whatever she could to destroy my life.

And yes, I know this is being dramatic but I could easily see her outing me to everyone we both knew.

Again, I might be unfair and thinking the worst of her. Who knows? She could have surprised me.

Our twenties are the time in our lives when we are figuring things out. I suppose we never stop figuring life out, but this is the time when we have to learn how to adult. I don’t think my twenties were more or less turbulent than anyone else at this age, but I had other… things going on in my life at this time when it came to my gender identity.

I dated different people, had the occasional roommate, and moved a lot over the course of a few years. My crossdressing was always something to consider with every decision I made, with every person I lived with, with every person I dated.

Would my roommate see my panties in my laundry basket? Would they see a bra strap under my boy clothes? When my friends helped me move I had to be sure that only I carried *that* box.

Or boxes.

Relationships flared and fizzled, friendships faded, addresses changed, jobs came and went. This happens over the course of a lifetime but it seemed that these changes happened quickly, suddenly, and numerously over my twenties.

There were few constants and crossdressing was always, always there.

After a long, hard day at work I could usually look forward to slipping into pretty lingerie and escaping into a book and a glass of wine (before I stopped drinking, obviously). Payday sometimes meant that I could treat myself to new panties. I suppose it still does. 🙂

During my twenties I had different relationships. Sometimes they lasted for a couple of years, sometimes it was only a month or so of dating. Over the course of these relationships I usually learned something about myself or dating or people or love. Because of what I learned I am grateful for those experiences, even if the relationship was terrible.

I also had relatively stable and healthy relationships, thankfully. But of course all of these ended. And I’m glad they did. If they hadn’t I never would have married the girl I am with today.

When a relationship ends there is a myriad of emotions and thoughts. I’ve felt sadness and relief and happiness and indifference and sometimes all of them at once. At times I would look forward to going back to the life I had prior to the relationship.

And crossdressing was my life.

I am reminded of the song “I’m Lonely (and I Love it)” by Future Bible Heroes.

I’m as lonely as Narcissus gazing in his mirrored pond
wearing all the clothes you hate
and going back to blond
staying up all hours in my seedy demimonde
if you have something to tell me
please don’t correspond

because I’m lonely

I’m lonely and I love it

Prior to getting married, I had came out to two girls I was dating (at separate times, of course). Long story short one girl was very uncomfortable with this side of me, the other was supportive.

When I was dating the first girl I tried my best not to crossdress… out of respect, I guess?

That relationship ended rather suddenly (but it should have ended much earlier. I was not in a place in my life when I should have been dating anyone). After the “this is over” talk and the shock started to ebb, I went lingerie shopping.

Because I COULD.

Because I missed wearing lingerie.

And this is all superficial but wearing pretty panties softened the blow a bit.

Lingerie always brightens my day and this was true even as my life was going through major changes.

I know this is all shallow and superficial, but I think every person reading this can relate on a certain level. *This* part of our lives was always here for us, and with us.

Love, Hannah

Related reading

What a Friend We Have in Crossdressing