I am TERRIFIED of ‘the glimpse’.
I am ENTHRALLED by ‘the flash’.
I don’t want anyone to see the glimpse of my panties or the strap of my camisole when I am in boy mode. I usually don’t think of it like this, but I suppose I plan my boy clothes much more carefully than I acknowledge. If I am spending the day helping a friend… oh, I don’t know, move furniture or something else that requires a lot of bending over, I will make sure I wear a shirt that is long enough to go past my waist lest it rides up slightly revealing a pink, lacy glimpse of my panties.
I am a proud t-girl. But I am also terrified of being outed as a crossdresser.
Perhaps this is a little naïve but I am hopeful that most people in my life know that being transgender is very much about identity. Or at the very least, being transgender isn’t a sexual thing in their mind.
But crossdressing? Oh, that’s a different story. I think it will be viewed as a fetish or a kink for the rest of my time on the planet.
I was in grade school when I first heard the word ‘crossdresser’ and it was explained to me that crossdressing is when a boy wears girl clothes. This is a very simplistic but also a fairly accurate definition. However, it’s the connotations with crossdressing that are potentially troublesome.
Now, I think crossdressing is the best thing ever. But I think most of the world looks at it as a kink or at the very least, a little weird.
And it is a little weird. But weird isn’t bad. Perhaps ‘uncommon’ is a better adjective for it. I never thought crossdressing was wrong but I always knew it wasn’t something most boys did (even though everyone totally should).
If ‘the glimpse’ outed me it would probably trigger an awkward conversation, one that I didn’t plan on having, or wanting to have. When I’ve come out in the past it’s always been on my terms, something I initiated for a variety of reasons. It was my decision. But being “caught” (for lack of a better term), whether it’s being seen at the mall en femme or a visible bra strap would almost certainly start a conversation I don’t want to have at the time or with that particular person.
But just as much as a potential glimpse terrifies me, I love a subtle flash.
I am not talking about anything dirty, mind you. I don’t mean a flash of my panties or certain parts of my anatomy. I am referring to a quick tease of a subtle, intimate, attention to detail.
The flash of a stocking top from a short dress or a slit skirt, for example. Of course, there are some limits as to what I am comfortable with. I heart dresses that show off my legs or again, a flash of my stocking, but if a dress is so short that my stocking tops are visible when I am simply standing… well, that’s TOO short. If the slit of a skirt teases a stocking top when I am strutting across a room… now that is hot.
As much as I love bright pink PVC dresses and rose gold platform stilettos, I am equally drawn to subtle femininity and tiny attention to detail. I love when the light pink of my high heel matches perfectly with the light pink of the flowers on a dress. I love wearing a necklace that compliments my earrings. I love when my makeup artist chooses an eyeshadow that goes really well with the color of my top.
I am overwhelmed (usually in a good way) of all the options that femme clothes offers. SO many dresses and skirts and heels and accessories. I love how we can wear a cute t-shirt and leggings OR heels and a retro-style dress to the mall and still look amazing. I love how we can choose the boldness of a leather skirt or the subtlety of quiet attention to detail.
My point is that I think it’s ironic how I have all the confidence in the world as a t-girl but nothing but fear as a crossdresser.
It comes down to being outed. If my friend sees panties peeking out and asks about it (I mean, please don’t ask why someone is wearing a certain style of underwear) then an awkward, unwanted, and uncomfortable conversation takes place. I COULD be dismissive and ask them to mind their own business or overly simplify that I just like to wear panties but these options seem a little rude and… insufficient.
It’s important for me to be understood in all aspects of who I am.
I understand that crossdressing is one of the most misunderstood things in the world as it is mostly associated with a kink. And let’s face it, very, very few of us want certain glimpses into our friends lives… particularly when it comes to what arouses them. I really, really, REALLY don’t want to know what my friends are into, if you know what I mean. And I don’t think my friends want to know these things about me, either.
If I were outed as a crossdresser I would want to discuss it. I mean, no I wouldn’t, but I would feel the need to clarify it. I would want to dispel any notion that what I wore had nothing to do with fetishism (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Since it’s important to me that I am understood (as much as gender identity CAN be understood) and since I have a tendency to overexplain (I’m sure you’ve picked up on this by now) it’s very likely a conversation about crossdressing would lead to a conversation about gender identity and Hannah.
Annnnnnnnnnd I really don’t want to come out to anyone in a scenario like this. My gender identity as well as who knows about me (and her) is something that I like to completely control. I will come out (and have always done so) on my own terms, to the people that I feel needed to know.
This… glimpse into who I am is revealed at my choosing. I hope we all have this choice.