I am TERRIFIED of ‘the glimpse’.
I am ENTHRALLED by ‘the flash’.
I don’t want anyone to see the glimpse of my panties or the strap of my camisole when I am in boy mode. I usually don’t think of it like this, but I suppose I plan my boy clothes much more carefully than I acknowledge. If I am spending the day helping a friend… oh, I don’t know, move furniture or something else that requires a lot of bending over, I will make sure I wear a shirt that is long enough to go past my waist lest it rides up slightly revealing a pink, lacy glimpse of my panties.
I am a proud t-girl. But I am also terrified of being outed as a crossdresser.
Perhaps this is a little naïve but I am hopeful that most people in my life know that being transgender is very much about identity. Or at the very least, being transgender isn’t a sexual thing in their mind.
But crossdressing? Oh, that’s a different story. I think it will be viewed as a fetish or a kink for the rest of my time on the planet.
I was in grade school when I first heard the word ‘crossdresser’ and it was explained to me that crossdressing is when a boy wears girl clothes. This is a very simplistic but also a fairly accurate definition. However, it’s the connotations with crossdressing that are potentially troublesome.
Now, I think crossdressing is the best thing ever. But I think most of the world looks at it as a kink or at the very least, a little weird.
And it is a little weird. But weird isn’t bad. Perhaps ‘uncommon’ is a better adjective for it. I never thought crossdressing was wrong but I always knew it wasn’t something most boys did (even though everyone totally should).
If ‘the glimpse’ outed me it would probably trigger an awkward conversation, one that I didn’t plan on having, or wanting to have. When I’ve come out in the past it’s always been on my terms, something I initiated for a variety of reasons. It was my decision. But being “caught” (for lack of a better term), whether it’s being seen at the mall en femme or a visible bra strap would almost certainly start a conversation I don’t want to have at the time or with that particular person.
But just as much as a potential glimpse terrifies me, I love a subtle flash.
I am not talking about anything dirty, mind you. I don’t mean a flash of my panties or certain parts of my anatomy. I am referring to a quick tease of a subtle, intimate, attention to detail.
The flash of a stocking top from a short dress or a slit skirt, for example. Of course, there are some limits as to what I am comfortable with. I heart dresses that show off my legs or again, a flash of my stocking, but if a dress is so short that my stocking tops are visible when I am simply standing… well, that’s TOO short. If the slit of a skirt teases a stocking top when I am strutting across a room… now that is hot.
As much as I love bright pink PVC dresses and rose gold platform stilettos, I am equally drawn to subtle femininity and tiny attention to detail. I love when the light pink of my high heel matches perfectly with the light pink of the flowers on a dress. I love wearing a necklace that compliments my earrings. I love when my makeup artist chooses an eyeshadow that goes really well with the color of my top.
I am overwhelmed (usually in a good way) of all the options that femme clothes offers. SO many dresses and skirts and heels and accessories. I love how we can wear a cute t-shirt and leggings OR heels and a retro-style dress to the mall and still look amazing. I love how we can choose the boldness of a leather skirt or the subtlety of quiet attention to detail.
My point is that I think it’s ironic how I have all the confidence in the world as a t-girl but nothing but fear as a crossdresser.
It comes down to being outed. If my friend sees panties peeking out and asks about it (I mean, please don’t ask why someone is wearing a certain style of underwear) then an awkward, unwanted, and uncomfortable conversation takes place. I COULD be dismissive and ask them to mind their own business or overly simplify that I just like to wear panties but these options seem a little rude and… insufficient.
It’s important for me to be understood in all aspects of who I am.
I understand that crossdressing is one of the most misunderstood things in the world as it is mostly associated with a kink. And let’s face it, very, very few of us want certain glimpses into our friends lives… particularly when it comes to what arouses them. I really, really, REALLY don’t want to know what my friends are into, if you know what I mean. And I don’t think my friends want to know these things about me, either.
If I were outed as a crossdresser I would want to discuss it. I mean, no I wouldn’t, but I would feel the need to clarify it. I would want to dispel any notion that what I wore had nothing to do with fetishism (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
Since it’s important to me that I am understood (as much as gender identity CAN be understood) and since I have a tendency to overexplain (I’m sure you’ve picked up on this by now) it’s very likely a conversation about crossdressing would lead to a conversation about gender identity and Hannah.
Annnnnnnnnnd I really don’t want to come out to anyone in a scenario like this. My gender identity as well as who knows about me (and her) is something that I like to completely control. I will come out (and have always done so) on my own terms, to the people that I feel needed to know.
This… glimpse into who I am is revealed at my choosing. I hope we all have this choice.
8 thoughts on “The Glimpse”
I wore a sleeveless pantsuit to work today, and my bra strap stuck out for a second… INSTANT GENDER EUPHORIA!!!!
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I understand completely. I always have a loose fitting long sleeve sweatshirt and shorts at the ready in case anyone comes to my door.
Here’s the thing, Hannah, I imagine how scared I would have been to do all the things out in public that you and your friends do in ‘girl mode.’ What if someone recognizes you?
“If I were outed as a crossdresser I would want to discuss it. I mean, no I wouldn’t, but I would feel the need to clarify it. I would want to dispel any notion that what I wore had nothing to do with fetishism (not that there’s anything wrong with that).”
Seems to me that it would be handy to have a ‘elevator speech’ all memorized and ready to go. Maybe that would reduce your anxieties about being outed and, if (when?) it happens, help you be on autopilot.
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I love how you express the contradiction that is gender dysphoria. However, I must point out that while our society considers only boys who dress as girls, crossdressers, girls do it all the time, and as a girl, dressing as a boy is still crossdressing 🙂 One thing, as I usually wear panties (and often bras) while in ‘drab’ or being fabulous, I’ve found that getting ready to work out, or cleaning up afterwards can be a challenge. Have to admit it was quite a thrill when a complete stranger told me they loved my yellow DOW lace panties…
I, although I may never be able to prove this, believe that most men, if they tried cross dressing, would want to continue doing it because they would be hooked! I, too, would never want to be “caught” though. It would be hard to explain to most people why I do this. Btw, I do wonder if actors, like Milton Berle, who dressed on TV, often did so at home too…maybe Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis did so in real life?
I guess for me being fluid many days I don’t care if my panties show or my bra strap
As one who truly lives there daily life gender fluid I stamp out all those gender norms
Yes of course I go full en fem as well but for me, I really don’t have any boy clothes I wear very often
It works for me and I love it
Having worn panties exclusively for about forty years now, I suspect that my panties or at least my VPLs have been glimpsed more than once, but no one has ever said anything. Like you Hannah, I assume that others will not understand. We are a much misunderstood group, and recent political hysteria about people like us seems to have made this worse.