Hi Hannah. I am at a point well beyond hating myself for who I am. I have tried to give up crossdressing more times than I care to count and every time I come back to it. I told my wife a while back and it created such friction that I had to tell her I gave up crossdressing just for the sake of keeping the peace. Now it needs to be said that the dressing wasn’t the only cause of our problems, they extend far beyond the reach of only my little affliction. I completely understand that my wife would have issues with it, and for the sake of my own sanity I am more than happy to pretend that I have stopped and go back to the way things were (even though that bell can’t be unrung). I have had a handful of adventures dressed up that I keep completely to myself. Over the years (and because of issues completely unrelated to my dressing) I have reached a place where I don’t really care if we remain together or not. So I guess my question for you is, if you either never met your wife or you two had to go your separate ways, can you imagine yourself going through life on your own? And as a bonus question (I don’t know if you have kids or not), but would you share this side of yourself with your kids or keep it from them into perpetuity?
I believe people need other people. I think we have evolved to be cooperative and that we need the companionship of others… whether it’s the partnership of a spouse or a circle of friends. I like my solitude but I don’t think I could live alone.
Who I share my gender identity with, whether it’s family, friends, colleagues, or anyone else is determined by whether they need to know. Although it would be nice for Hannah to have coffee with some of the people HE knows, the thought of coming out and all of that it brings is exhausting to me. I don’t feel that anyone else in my life, at this point of my life, needs to know.
Please don’t hate who you are. Please. That will only lead to darkness.
And please. Seek out counseling. Whether it’s for you and your spouse or for you on your own. You are not alone in your gender identity. Please, please, talk to someone who is smarter than I am.
Have a question for me? Oh yes you do. Ask me here!
4 thoughts on “Ask Hannah!”
I’d like to add that in some ways I was in a similar situation as the person who asked the question. My wife and I loved each other but my crossdressing — which I also tried to stop many times — was a deal breaker for her.
I agree with Hannah: get counseling. This is a tough place to be. And should you and your wife split, that will be very hard too.
Being trans is not an affliction but I know it can feel that way. It’s just a part of you, like your handedness, the color of your eyes, hair, skin, and your sexuality. You are as normal as anyone else, it’s really that simple, although it may not feel that way.
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I’d like to add:
– I do have kids and I told them that I am transgender. One was fascinated and interested, the other kind of brushed it off. Living in the closet is a hard place to be. Having to maintain secrets drives a wedge into relationships.
– I have had some dating romances, one that got serious and loving, and am now single. Like my single cis lesbian friends, we all wish to have loving partners. I keep my heart open but who knows if I’ll ever find such love again. But if I do not I’ll be okay. My life now is so rich and full and satisfied, like never before.
I suggest this book by Dara Hoffman-Fox, “You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery.” Read it, do the exercises. You will learn a lot about yourself.
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My 2 cents worth – just another opinion. At our studios here in Tampa – we hear from our guests these issues more than anything else. Last week I wrote about a guest from St Louis Katherine going through this situation right now. Today another guest Gloria from Delaware who flew here – as a female – via Atlanta and into Tampa – with no issues through airport security. She is here for 2 days at our studios. She is facing this decision also.
Re counseling- suggest you make sure you get someone familiar with this CD lifestyle. I personally have mixed feelings. 25 years ago I went – or should I say was forced to do this. This person advised me to stop completely dressing as a female – almost told me I was a sick selfish person – and try to save my marriage.
Needless to say – the marriage damage was done – and in the end divorce etc.
It was the worst time for me at that time – but now looking back – it was the best thing for me – with a new life as Deborah.
YOU alone must make the decision – and 100% understand the consequences of this decision – for yourself and for you family and friends.
My heart goes out to all of you faced with this decision.
Somehow, I have worked out that I have been a married but closeted lingerie crossdresser since around 2005 but I can’t substantiate that.
I don’t know why I am the way I am but there is no way I can come out of the closet. No way. I once got caught in a state of cross dress and managed, through sheer panic, to justify my actions claiming to be trying to understand why someone close to me was transitioning M to F.
The fall out was awful and I came very close to losing everything.
Whilst they are out and with the fall out still very much present but far less pronounced these days but still making waves, I do not wish to transition but genetics clearly connect. I’m seen as such a rock, a pillar, so responsible, so many achievements, something to be proud of, and whilst that might be true, they would be aghast at the things they didn’t know about me.
Every single day, I recognise the many wonderful things in my life with my own eyes yet, recognising what I stand to lose but through Fiona’s too and ask myself why I persist but I can’t help it nor seemingly stop it.
I live a double life.
I’ve stopped crosssdressing etc. (and purged) on a couple of occasions, and there was an 2+ year enforced stop when the pandemic hit as it changed the dynamics that allowed me to dress in privacy whilst the house was empty.
The circs of those in the household changed – they were home all the time and so was I, yet, recently, and applying the same military style precision planning I have been doing for years to remain closeted, I found a way to resume dressing – albeit far less than I was ever able to pre-pandemic.
In a way, I accept who I am and, if you like, what I am, and, with the assistance of two others, what I have become and are becoming yet in another, I don’t.
My journey continues and deepens all the time. It is almost unstoppable.
Yet I constantly remonstrate with myself in stark juxtaposition to the acts of indulgence. I can’t help it and I constantly worry about the risks and consequences.
If I did not have Fiona’s social media and my blog, and the contact with my Mistress, I think, no, I am sure that I would be in a very bad mental state.
Please find some form of confidante or method of offloading how you feel even if it is just writing a blog for example but please be assured that you’re not on your own, that there are people who understand and are like you in many ways, even if they are under pseudonyms.