…came true today”
I am not allowed to talk about it quiiiite yet but something really amazing happened a couple of months ago. Before the speculation gets out of hand, I just want to say it’s nothing… Earth-shattering. I didn’t win the lottery or find a publisher for my book or anything super big like that.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I had a thought about… something a while ago and then it happened! I am not trying to be vague but I have to be vague.
At any rate, this got me thinking about how this side of us can not only create a completely different wardrobe than many people in our lives would suspect, but also how we can, and usually do, have dreams and goals and aspirations that people in our male lives couldn’t even begin to guess.
If someone to ask HIM about what goals and dreams HE has, he would probably say something like being able to pay off my house or to be able to afford taking my wife to Italy. If you ask Hannah that same thing, she would tell you her dream is to be a bridesmaid or to fly pretty.
You know, two things that no one from HIS life would ever guess. In fact, if you asked HIM to be in a wedding he would do everything in his power to decline.
The differences don’t end there. On the opposite side of a daydream lie our fears. He can drive all over town and never give it a second thought. She is terrified of getting a flat tire or getting pulled over.
Both sides of me have accomplished things that I never imagined I would. I remember being in my early 20’s and wondering how in the world I would be able to find someone I would want to spend my life with or finding a job that would allow me to afford a home. These things took time but these goals were met.
I think these are pretty common dreams. I think most of us want to be loved and to have someone special in our life. We all need a place to live. Both of these dreams can create stability and comfort.
My femme life has seen many dreams come true. Although it SOUNDS easier to leave the house en femme compared to working for years to save money for a down payment on a home, the mental work of putting on a dress and makeup to do something as small and everyday as getting a cup of coffee takes much more effort.
Mental and emotional barriers are harder to overcome than a barrier that simply requires physical work.
In retrospect the things my femme self has done, dreamed about, and will continue to dream about are things that HE could do at anytime… and things HE has done. In my male life I travel for work pretty regularly and I never give it a second thought. If and when Hannah packs a bag she’s going to be terrified.
I am continuously fascinated by the duality that can exist when it comes to who I am. HE may be wearing a three piece suit for a work event but underneath that is the pinkest lingerie that you could imagine. I helped change a friend’s tire a few months ago and the whole time I was careful that the white lace from my panties didn’t peek out.
Humans are complex. We can be contradictory and in some ways, in contrast with ourselves to others. These two sides of me are exactly that. Two parts that make up a whole. Balancing this took time. It wasn’t easy to settle into figuring out HE and SHE fit into ME.
I don’t think a lot of cis gender people can relate to this, but I have a feeling many of you do.
I hope all of your dreams… HIS dreams and HER dreams, come true.