Hi!
I think representation matters and acceptance of transgender individuals, crossdressers, and non-binary people will grow as the world realizes there are more of us than previously imagined.
I would love to be tell everyone in my male life about who I am even if the sole reason for doing that was to teach others that there are sides to people that they may not see. This would hopefully lead people to thinking that gender is more nuanced, more complex, more varied, and maybe even more simple than they think.
But I am not going to do that. I know we should live our truths and that if we believe something we should stand by it. However, sometimes the truth can be dangerous. Coming out doesn’t impact myself, it also impacts my family, particularly my wife. Could I lose my job because of my gender identity? Sure. Not BECAUSE of it, but I work in education. Could a student file a complaint that they don’t feel comfortable with the school employing an openly non-cisgender person? Sure. Could this complaint gather steam and build into something bigger? Sure. Could the school decide that I am not worth the trouble of keeping me employed? Sure. Could the loss of my job impact my life, and my wife? Sure.
Is that fair to her? No.
I think if I were to come out to someone new it would need to be for a reason. Living full time or transitioning are reasons for me to come out but I don’t think or feel those decisions are right for me. My colleagues would need to know that HE isn’t coming to meetings anymore, but SHE is.
Choosing only one gender to present as for the rest of my life isn’t the right journey for me. I LIKE who I am. I LIKE my lives. I don’t want this to change. Honestly? For myself I see more risks than benefits to coming out. I don’t feel I am in denial, I don’t feel trapped, I don’t feel I have the wrong body or that I am unhappy. Transitioning wouldn’t make me happier than I am. Presenting male doesn’t depress me.
Coming out would, in a way, only drag my wife into something she didn’t sign up for. Could she lose her job? Could her family turn away from her? Sure. These things could happen.
It’s frustrating to know that coming out could very likely lead to serious repercussions. It’s frustrating that there are people who choose to let someone else’s gender identity/presentation impact them.
This fear, this frustration, leads to being underrepresented. Being under underrepresented suppresses equality. Again, the more people know that there are more non-cisgender people in the world than they realize will lead to them (hopefully) thinking that gender isn’t *that* big of a deal. That there is more to people than pants or skirts, pink or blue.
I may not be in a position to openly tell others about who I am but I can do SOMETHING. And so can you.
I really encourage you all to make your voice heard through the annual US Trans Survey. This kicks off today.
From the website:
The U.S. Trans Survey is the largest survey of trans people, by trans people, in the United States. The USTS documents the lives and experiences of trans and nonbinary people ages 16+ in the U.S. and U.S. territories.
USTS reports have been a vital resource, including the reports on the experiences of people of color and reports by state. In 2015, nearly 28,000 people took the USTS. A lot has happened since then – and it’s time to conduct the USTS again in 2022.
Help us continue to be the largest, most diverse sample across all identities. Please spread the word to ensure that people of color, older people, those who live in rural areas, immigrants, Spanish speakers, those who are HIV+, and others hear about the survey. More than ever, it’s important to ensure that trans voices will shape the future.
Thank you for being who you are. Every voice matters.
(I took the survey and it took about 35 minutes. If you take it, I recommend taking it when you have time and the attention span for it.)
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Thank You!!!
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You make very good points, especially in the current judgmental political climate. I always enjoy your photo shoots. Thank you.
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You make good points, especially given the current judgmental political climate. I enjoy your photo sessions.
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This is a great piece…..thank you for your thoughts
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I think about outing myself frequently. My wife is convinced it would harm our daughters (17 and 22 years of age) if they found out, even though it’s pretty clear my older daughter is gay and they both know plenty of LGBTQ people in their lives, simply because being their dad is different in some way. Carrying any secret is difficult, but keeping this secret adds a layer of shame that I shouldn’t have to put up with. Feeling pretty and feminine when I choose to be is so central to who I am it kills me to keep it under wraps.
I work in healthcare, an environment where all the gay people are very much OUT. I feel like I should be able to be out to my colleagues. I should be able to attend social activities with them as well as continuing education classes dressed in something from my exquisitely curated wardrobe of delicate skirts and dresses. But I can’t. Because my work persona could spill over to my family in some way.
Meanwhile, I will continue to go out in Genderqueer mode. I’m surprised that after 5 years I still have not run into anyone I know. But the day will come, I’m sure.
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I do understand your Dilemma in coming out as once I did it caused a whole host of problems especially with family
However now that I am out I’ve figured out that most just move on and don’t care really as they have their own problems to deal with.
Now my family has no idea how I present at work or that most days I am enfem but that’s ok and it’s how I choose
So yes I get it and I hope someday you will be more open with those in your circle
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Thanks for linking. I did the survey.
I self identify as a MTF crossdresser on the trans spectrum.
I am out to one person in my male life besides my spouse (with the exception of two ex-girlfriends with whom I dressed while dating a long time ago). I outed myself to the wife of a friend because she has a non-binary child, and I thought I could provide some insight and support in her role as the parent of a trans adult child. I am glad I did and glad she did.
My girl side has made both trans and non-trans friends and acquaintances. I’ve never had an issue being out.
I am fortunate to be financially secure where financial issues of being trans are non-existent. My concerns are on keeping my spouse comfortable that she would feel shame for being married to a crossdresser.
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Thanks for providing the survey link. The survey can become a source of information that will, I hope, inform rather than inflame.
Over the past few years the emergence of more transgender people has been the source of alarm for some. There are loud allegations that somehow our culture is eroding masculinity. This is all based on the notion there is an increasing proportion of transgender people in the population.
This “alarming” growth is an illusion. We know we have always been here, and present in every culture. But we have been invisible in Western cultures, forbidden and hidden. So when we finally begin to be seen, its perceived as a surge in numbers.
This survey will hopefully provide a longitudinal data set that will put that notion to rest.
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Hi Hanna it’s Magan i haven’t sent many messages to you in a while.
I am not from the US. I live in Canada. I support what you are asking of the trans community. I support you for the USTS. I would take the survey
but it would skue the results.
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Great post and great thoughts as usual, Hannah. Thanks, too, for letting the world know about the Trans Survey (yes, I’ve taken it already).
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