Obsession and Possession

I am hesitant to write about certain things because of the type of comments and emails I get when it comes to some topics. This post discusses two things that tend to generate a lot of interaction that… kind of misses the point I am trying to make.

The first is talking about men (and yes, not at all men) who email and message me. Some of these messages are pretty innocent and polite, but some are very sexual. I don’t like that. What I mean is that I would prefer not getting emails from men sharing their most intimate and horniest thoughts with me. When I do write about this preference I tend to get emails telling me that a man wanting to fuck me is a compliment and I should be flattered. I also get emails telling me that they would be thrilled if some dude wanted to rail them.

I am not saying that you’re wrong in how you feel and that I am not an authority on what is or isn’t complimentary to an individual. What I am saying is that I don’t want to know what someone, regardless of their gender, wants to do with me or to me.

The other subject has to do with being a public figure. I use the term “public figure” very, very, VERY broadly. What I mean is anyone that has a social media presence that interacts with other people online is, in my opinion, a public figure. Note that this is not the same as being famous or someone who is considered a celebrity. I am reluctant to talk about the type of interactions I get because this discussion is sometimes (intentionally or not) interpreted as me saying OMG I AM SO FAMOUS and OMG I GET SO MUCH FAN MAIL and OMG I GET SO MUCH ATTENTION. Sometimes someone writes an email to me along the lines of OMG GET OVER YOURSELF AND YOU ARE NOT FAMOUS AND YOU’RE A HUGE STUCK UP BITCH. That’s not what I mean. I like attention on my own terms, if that makes sense. What I mean is I prefer an appropriate response to what I am writing or posting. If I tweet a picture of myself out shopping I am not wanting a message like “I wish I could have sex with you in that store’s dressing room”. Trust me, this happens.

It’s true I post photos of myself in lingerie. I… understand someone misinterpreting this. My intention is not to communicate that I am… aroused and would like to hear from other aroused people. No, what I am intending to communicate is “I love this bra and panty set” and “I am confident in who I am”. Lingerie, to me, is about intimacy and sensuality and beauty, not necessarily about getting laid. I would argue that my lingerie pictures aren’t overtly sexual, but I also understand that someone may have a different perspective.

And yes, I suppose if I wanted to eliminate ALL negative or unwanted attention I could disable comments and not make my email address public. But I LIKE connecting with (most) people. I don’t want to burn down a building because of a leaky faucet, if that makes sense.

And yes, there are many people out there that post photos that are likely inviting a sexually charged response. And that’s okay! People can do what they choose. BUT please understand that no one speaks for anyone but themselves. It’s true some of us dress for sexual reasons (again, totally cool) and would love to share their fantasies with others, please remember that one of us looking for that doesn’t mean that all of us are.

Please understand. I don’t see myself as famous or as a celebrity. I don’t necessarily think that would be a positive or fulfilling or even a healthy thing if I was famous. I don’t think I would enjoy being a celebrity. It’s a fun fantasy but not something I would like to be 24/7.

Anyway, let’s talk about these two things.

Although she is usually thought of the artist who sings a sad song over a video montage of shelter dogs, Sarah McLachlan is pretty badass.

Her breakthrough record, “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” was released in the United States in 1994 with the first single “Possession”.

You’ve probably heard this song.

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I’d wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear

And the story behind that song is… it’s something. Like a lot of pop music the lyrics imply something very different than the inspiration behind the song.

I was in my late teens when I first heard this song and I thought it was romantic and erotic and sexy. Learning the story behind it changed my mind and I started to think about obsessions and the dangers of being a public figure. Having fans, whether it is one person or a million people can be flattering and terrifying.

Before I continue, I want to once again acknowledge what some readers might be thinking. I am not comparing myself to a celebrity. I don’t think of anyone who reads my website or follows me on social media as a fan. I am not comfortable with that word and I am not arrogant enough to think that anyone thinks of me the same way as someone thinks of a musician or a movie star.

What I can relate to is getting messages and emails. This happens not exclusively because of any celebrity status or because of fame. If you are online or have a social media presence you are likely opening yourself up to unsolicited communication.

I am asked about everything from the size of my genitalia to my intimate history to my phone number.

And yes, you may be thinking “that’s what happens when someone is online” but really, that thinking doesn’t land the way you think it does. Would you ask someone about their anatomy in real life? If no, why would you think it’s appropriate to do so in an email? The barrier between our virtual life and our real lives, for better or for worse is dissolving. I don’t the etiquette expectations should be different whether it’s an email or a face-to-face conversation.

Truth be told I am terrified of the possibilities that being online or being in public can create. With very few exceptions I don’t disclose what my plans are for the day or the MN T-Girls are doing in advance. I don’t want us to be found, if you will, by someone who might be inclined to… interact with us, regardless of their intentions.

Uncomfortable, even dangerous situations could potentially occur.

My website is a way for me to chat about things I am thinking about. Writing helps me sort out my own thoughts. My website is also a way for me to express myself and post photos. At my best, my website is also my way to share my experiences and perhaps my perspective in a way that may be beneficial to others like myself and maybe our partners.

One thing I write about on occasion is the sexual and fetishistic aspect of this. Whether it’s someone like myself who is expressing themselves in a sexual way or how someone like myself is perceived or fantasized about.

It doesn’t surprise me when other t-girls tell me how they have been hit on, whether online or in real life. It also doesn’t surprise me when these conversations quickly get explicit. This is not an unfamiliar experience for any girl, cis or trans.

As often as I hear from other girls that can relate to my experiences, I also hear from others that are completely shocked by how common and how sexual and inappropriate a comment or an email can be.

I think a predominate perspective of the crossdressing community as a fetish is a harmful one.

Please let me explain.

If this is a fetish for you, I don’t think you’re harming us. You do you. Promise.

What I mean is that if the majority of the world thinks that crossdressing or that being transgender is absolutely and always and only a fetish or a sexual thing, that thinking can be harmful.

It delegitimizes us. It stigmatizes us. It makes people think that who we are is only a kink. That we are, in a way, choosing who we are. But this is not a choice. We were born this way, baby.

It’s harmful when people think that other people from a different community are interested in something that isn’t necessarily so.

What I mean is that some men think all women want sex. These men might not take “no” for an answer. Some men think what someone is wearing is a signal that they are interested in sex. It’s disturbing how often victims of sexual assault are asked what they wearing when they were attacked.

If the general consensus that transwomen are fetishists then that opens the door to harassment and worse.

I would like a brighter spotlight shone on this. To really open up just how often girls like me and girls like you are spoken to like this. I’d like to show just how deep and how explicit this can get.

I’d like to see this behavior change. I realize I probably can’t get social media user xxx420xxxtransl0ver69xxx to stop fetishizing t-girls (please note I have NO idea if that user is a real account or not and I would prefer not to know). What I mean is that some people feel that there is nothing wrong with sending someone an email or a message with very explicit content.

I tend to be impulsive and I have to try very hard to hold my tongue. I realize that I will likely always be impulsive in my thoughts or desired actions… but I am getting better at controlling what happens next, if you will. Five years ago if my boss sent me a snarky email I would immediately fire back an equally snarky reply. These days I want to write an equally snarky reply BUT my impulse control is getting better. Instead I write the response but then delete it. I suppose doing this is cathartic.

I know it’s not okay or appropriate to say what I am feeling in a professional setting. Well, let me rephrase that. I know it’s not okay or appropriate to say what I am feeling HOW I want to say it or with the words I want to use.

This sounds overly optimistic and naïve but I would like more people to think twice about what they put in an email. I get that xxx420xxxtransl0ver69xxx will probably always WANT to tell a t-girl what he wants to do with them, but maybe, MAYBE he’ll realize it’s not appropriate and not fire off that message.

I admire girls who publicly call out their harassers. Girls who screenshot messages they get in an effort to put the focus on the harasser themselves. I mean, I think that is awesome. I believe in consequences and people being held accountable for their actions. I believe in penance. If someone loses their job because of a racist comment they made online, I have no sympathy for them. If someone’s wife leaves them because the messages they were sending to another woman were made public I think they brought that upon themselves.

I see instances of girls getting horny (haaaaate that word) emails from men and in turn the girl will reach out to his wife, girlfriend, or even their mothers with a screenshot. Like, “did you know your husband is messaging girls on Instagram?” This is an example of good, chaotic behavior, in my opinion.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to contribute to a relationship ending but I do value accountability and looking out for other girls. Ultimately I think most of us would want to know if our partners were not faithful.

Anything I do or write has to be sincere. I can’t express something, whether it is an opinion or a feeling, unless I completely believe it. It is not in my nature to intentionally cause trouble. Messaging the partner of a guy who sends me a dick pic is not within my nature.

Posting the messages themselves is also a little out of my comfort zone. Publicly shaming someone is risky, in my opinion. I tend to think in extremes, such as imagining the best possible outcome as well as the worst result. If I am being honest I am terrified of causing someone emotional distress to the point where they harm themselves… which is why I brought up Ms. McLachlan’s obsessive fan at the beginning of this long and rambling post.

And! I’m afraid of men, to be honest. And yes, not all men. And yes, it sounds a little odd to say this considering I present as a man for most of my life. What I mean is that the men in HIS life don’t pose a threat to HIM. HE does not get amorous emails from amorous men. Men are not obsessed with HIM.

But emails and messages that Hannah gets? It’s a different story.

I feel the need to reiterate that I do not feel any sort of validation or self-esteem boost when I discuss explicit emails and messages I get from men. Do I feel there are men out there obsessed with Hannah? Yes. Do I feel flattered by this? No. Is this humble bragging? Also no.

Listen.

Obsession is not healthy. It’s also a word that is overused to the point where the meaning becomes a little diminished. Being obsessed with iced coffee is one thing, being obsessed, and I mean REALLY and truly obsessed with a person is something else entirely.

Obsession drives people to extremes. We all hear stories of stalkers and people who get tattoos of celebrities and of fans who get plastic surgery to look like their favorite reality television star. None of those examples are healthy.

I think about the guy who was obsessed with John Lennon. I think about the guy who was obsessed with Jodie Foster.

I’m sure some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking I must be the most egotistical person in the world if I am comparing myself to John Lennon and Jodie Foster. I am not doing that. You may also be thinking that I must have some delusions about myself if I think someone could be that obsessed with me that they would do something so extreme and horrible. I do not.

What I am trying to say is that people can become obsessed with others for many different reasons. The person doesn’t even have to be a celebrity. When I was in my early twenties I worked at a bookstore. We had a customer who was clearly obsessed with a girl who worked there. He would ask when she was working next, he sent letters to the store addressed to her, and would follow her around whenever she worked.

It terrified her. It terrified all of us.

She wasn’t a celebrity. She was just a normal person.

At no point did she feel flattered by this “attention”. She was afraid of what he would do. Would he follow her home? What else did he know about her? What was he capable of? No one knew.

And that’s my point. Obsession can lead to someone doing something that is completely inappropriate and extreme.

She transferred to a different location and he soon found out where she went. And he followed.

The police were involved and a restraining order was issued and that’s all I know.

Am I afraid some men are obsessed with me? YES. Am I terrified of this? Also yes. Am I being a little extreme and paranoid? God I hope so.

When I do get messages that make me uncomfortable I am very tempted to post them. But I don’t. I am afraid that it could lead to something really bad happening. Posting an email with the person’s email address and, well, exposing them could ruin their life. Again, I am alllll about accountability and I don’t feel any sympathy for men who go behind their partner’s back and send very explicit messages to other girls, but… people can be irrational. If I posted something that led to some dude losing their job or wife, who knows what kind of retaliatory actions they could take?

Road rage stories have a big impression on me. It’s frightening to hear about a driver pulling a gun on someone who cuts them off or a driver following someone home because they flipped them off. You just never know what someone is capable of.

Anyway. I suppose this is all venting. I don’t expect the types of emails and messages that pop up in my inbox to change unless I disappear completely but I am way too stubborn and vain to do that.

Love, Hannah