Okay real quick…
If you are out en femme and someone sees you as “a dude in a dress” or thinks “that’s a man”, fuck them.
I mean, don’t sleep with them, but fuck them.
Of course, you won’t ever know what anyone is thinking but that’s beside the point.
Here’s the thing. I don’t think ANYONE in the world sees Hannah and thinks “she’s a cisgender girl”. Which is totally fine for two reasons.
- I am not a cisgender girl
- I am not trying to present as one
I fully anticipate people to see me and think:
- She’s a transgender girl
Which is totally fine! I AM a transgender girl. I have NO issue with someone knowing or thinking that I am transgender. To me, it’s not different than someone thinking that I am tall (absolutely true) or that I am wearing a dress that is too short (likely true).
Again, you won’t EVER know what someone is thinking unless you walk up to them and ask which is TOTALLY weird. Don’t do that.
IF someone sees me and thinks “that’s a man”, guess what? They are likely a transphobic asshole.
And really, who cares what a transphobic asshole thinks??
If someone is transphobic they will likely NEVER think of me as anything other than “a man in a dress”. I could legally change my name and legal gender, I could have facial surgery, I could take hormones and have a lot of different medical procedures… and to them I will still likely be a “man in a dress”.
I think (most) people are complex and have good attributes as well as “areas of improvement” but sometimes people are just assholes and that kind of is, well, who they are. Speaking for myself there are some things that are just irredeemable and invalidates any sort of good in them.
For example!
I had a coworker years ago that I got along with fairly well. We would partner on work projects and became work friends. Things were fine. And then one day he had a little rant about “the gays” and, well, that was kind of the end of our friendship.
I can’t overlook or see past sexism, racism, homophobia, or transphobia. His perspective and opinions about the LGBTQ+ community showed who he was.
Did he have less repulsive attributes? Sure. But was he still homophobic? Sure. Do I need to associate with someone I absolutely disagree with when it comes to their perspective on someone who ISN’T straight? Nope.
If someone sees you as “a man in a dress”, fine. Whatever. They are likely an asshole. Who cares what they think?
Besides, you are YOU for yourself. Not for anyone else.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Once again, you hit it out of the park.
That’s exactly how I feel. I’m a 340 pound AMAB trans woman who still has a lot to learn about makeup and wigs… I know I don’t pass, and frankly, I don’t give a shit! I wear my transness with pride and with confidence! I cry for joy when I see myself in the mirror now and I don’t care what others (except for my wife) think. Transitioning is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and I’m thankful everyday that I get to live as my true self!
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Girl you look good.God Bless ,Erika
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Hi Hannah,
I had a good friend who did exactly the same thing about “The Gays”. In fact we were talking about our sons who were in middle school at the time. Hecwoul seriously have disowned his son if he chose to be gay.
We haven’t talked since and that was about 20 yrs ago.
Jodi
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its society that does not understand, they have to open their mouth and say bad things about people. fat, thin too tall too short, the color of skin. We are human beings, so what if that person is wearing a dress, if you walk by either say nothing or say hello and nice dress and keep walking. don’t be an asshole and call people names.thanks for sharing your thoughts and i beleive that we are all humans no matter what we are or color or fat or thin tall or short.
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Hi Digeb,
100% agree. We as transgender are not immune from this either. Way to often I hear transgender women talk negative about other groups.
This is especially sad when I hear it about others in the lgbt spectrum.
I guess the glass houses metaphor fits well here.
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thank you for your post. being a cross dreser in this world we live in is tough, people don’t realize that there are men who dress up for a living. then there is us cross dressers that just want to feel feminine and let our feminine side out. we do look pretty and like to show the world that we can pass as a female. there are real women that dress like men and get away with it. so why can us girls dress up pretty and get away with it. we are not bothering anyone; we are just showing our feminine side. we dress up to feel good and be happy, no depression, no panic attacks. we just like to feel like a human being but dressed up in dresses, skirts and nylons and make up. the clothing is so fitting and great fit, nylons give your legs a massage feeling, panties are better fit then men under ware, wearing a bra. is a great feeling also. the dresses, skirts are great feel when walking around and also the heels are a good sound when walking. society and wife’s need to understand the cross-dressing world, for they cross dress.
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Yes, there are narrow-minded assholes out there. My take away is to ask myself why (for much of my life) I worried so much about what others, particularly strangers, thought or might think about me. That worry kept me locked in a closet for far too long.
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If you are “out en femme” don’t you ever interact verbally with others? that is the way to getting a proper reading on how others see you. you might be surprised
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Good point Emily! 100’s of interactions and 2 bad ones… not exaggerating at all
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Yes I agree that’s how I feel when out as well I’m transgender and that’s who I am.
So I’m ok being looked at that way.
The funny thing is if those who look at girls like us with disdain and actually got to know us they might change their thinking
They might see we are just people just like them other than how we present ourselves it’s all we are and we just want to be who we are without all the stupid drama
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When I started going out, I decided my philosophy was to assume people knew I was a guy in a dress, but they didn’t know it was ME in the dress–and I just wanted to make sure it was a pretty dress.
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I’m with you completely Hannah. I rarely get negativity in public but I see a lot of it on social media where they can anonymously call you a ‘man in a dress’. They are cowards as they would never say it to your face. If you wouldn’t ask them for their opinion, then never take what they say seriously. That goes with all areas of life.
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Hi Hannah
– loved your column insightful as always –
something happened recently to our little group in California that certainly has sharpened my senses as to who is on our side and who is not. The River City Gems. (Sacramento, Ca) has 6 events a year that we call Femme Friday, drinks, dinner, girl talk 6-9pm.
There is a Marriot Courtyard that has been a great host over several years. So had taken the day off, made a date with my make-up magician (Lisa) and had planned an En Femme Day out and about.
Our group leaders received a “very credible threat to our next Femme Friday” and has wisely had to cancel/postpone our event.
Not the end of the world for sure, but has given me more resolve to be seen, to be heard and to be visible. Hell with them, I am keeping my date with Lisa, and have made a reservation at new Southern Restaurant that serves both great food and loud rock and roll.
Love to all – bri
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Hi Hannah,
I am a transgender woman @ 6’. When someone stares to long, usually a pervy man… I stare right into their eyes. No smile, just a self fucking righteous fuck you stare. I don’t look away till they do. Usually thanks less than a sec.
One other example.. I dropped my rental with the hotel valet. The poor boy said to me “thanks boss”.
As I walked in the hotel, I debated… a woman is a boss but I wasn’t sure how he meant it.
Walked back out and asked him in my baritone voice, did you just call me boss? I think I scared him.. he panicked and said no.
Could have pressed him more and ask No what?? But I passed.
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