It’s me, hi, I’m transgender, it’s me.
I make no effort to “pass” as cisgender. I am trans and proud. I am a t-girl and not bothering to hide that.
Of course, this courage and declaration is primarily reserved for my femme life. I still keep my non cisgender side of me a secret to almost everyone in “his” world.
On my Twitter account I will sometimes use the hashtag #GirlsLikeUs or #TransIsBeautiful or something similar. My Twitter bio has the transgender pride flag in it as well. Essentially I am not trying to catfish anyone.
I assume people know I am trans, whether it’s because of a hashtag I use or because, well, I don’t think I look like a cisgender girl (not that there are any standards that a cisgender girl must have, mind you).
I get a lot of direct messages on Twitter and I presume that the sender knows that I am transgender. I mean, you have to visit my bio (the one with the transgender pride flag on it) in order to write directly to me.
Of course, some people might not know what that icon represents or what #GirlsLikeUs means.
Regardless, I presume that the person messaging me knows that I am transgender.
When I get a message I usually look at the sender’s profile before I reply to them. I want to get a feel for what this person tweets about or who they follow. Essentially I want to know if they are complete fetishists or, well, assholes. And honestly? Most men (and yes, not all men) who message me fall into one of those two categories.
The vast majority of these DMs do not go beyond this exchange:
Some guy: hi
The same guy: hello
And that’s the end of that.
Sometimes the guy actually puts a tiny bit of effort into his message. Sometimes they get right to the point, if you will. Sooner or later their messaging cuts to the chase and he tells me that I am hot or beautiful or whatever. And that’s fine. I like compliments, lol. But then after saying something nice like that it almost always jumps to something overly sexual.
And that’s the end of that.
If the dude in question primarily follows/retweets t-girls that post primarily sexual pictures, my assumption is that they are likely a chaser or someone who fetishizes trans girls. They could also be curious about, well, being intimate with someone who has a penis but they think it’s, ah, “less gay” if said person is a girl. I don’t think there is anything necessarily wrong with being sexually curious and I don’t think certain genitalia or anatomy is exclusive to a specific gender.
And I suppose you could take a step back and, well, not assume the guy is a fetishist. It’s not uncommon for a guy to be attracted to petite girls or girls with red hair or any number of physical characteristics. You could broaden that scope to a guy just being attracted to girls with a penis without diving too deep into his psyche.
I am going to strut into fairly… presumptuous territory here. I know there are likely other reasons or motivations for the guys I am about to speculate about. I admit I am not a therapist or psychiatrist or I have no interest in analyzing the men who message me so please know that my assumptions and speculation are exactly that: assumptions and speculations.
And I could be completely wrong in my assumptions and speculations.
When a guy DMs me I look at their profile. Are they sports fans? Do they lean one way politically? Are they super into heavy metal? Do they only retweet photos of girls in stilettos?
Although one’s social media can give someone an idea what that person is like, I admit that most people are very complex and one’s Twitter account is not necessarily indicative of who they are. So, although almost every picture they post is them in a boat with a fish they just caught, it’s likely that there is more to them than just being a guy who fishes.
I usually need to remind myself of this. I tend to paint people with a fairly broad brush and that’s not fair. I know I shouldn’t assume anything, especially based on someone’s social media profile.
That being said…
I’ll get DMs from guys who, well, seem to despise the LGBTQ+ community. What I mean is that it’s not unusual for me to get a “your (sic) sexy” message from someone who Likes stories about books being banned because they have a gay character in then. Or perhaps they Like a story about armed men showing up a LGBTQ+ nightclub on the evening of a drag show.
Of course, it’s possible they like the story for other reasons, but it’s possible to presume they like the idea of a book being removed from a library or they like that armed men are intimidating adult patrons of a drag show.
Again, these are my assumptions. BUT I feel that they are likely correct. If someone is consistently retweeting stories like this, it’s likely that they support and agree with the actions highlighted in the post. If the person also follows a lot of anti-LGBTQ+ journalists or news outlets, it adds credence to my supposition.
When I get a message from someone like this that is meant to be flirty I do wonder if they know I am transgender.
IF they know AND they still tweet/Like messages that seem to be, ah, disapproving of the LGBTQ+ community, well, obviously they are a hypocrite OR they will happily engage in flirty messages with a transgirl… as long as no one knows. Bitch, I am NOT your little secret.
IF they don’t know, I do wonder how they would react if they found out. I imagine they would likely stop messaging me (yay!) OR they would be, oh, I guess embarrassed and possibly get really angry with me. Like it was my fault that I made them horny. Bitch, YOU messaged ME.
I suppose it’s too optimistic to think that maybe they would realize that transpeople aren’t the evil perverts some people say we are.
I know people are complex and labeling things along the gender binary are silly and that sexuality and sexual preferences and even fetishes can be complex and not able (and usually don’t need) to be classified.
But I do know that being hypocritical is pretty clear cut. You either walk the walk or you don’t.
You can’t hate on transpeople in public AND flirt with them in secret. You can’t call us perverts on Facebook and then try to fuck us when your wife is out of town.
Of course, that brings up another point… men who have things in their Twitter bio like “FAMILY is most important to me. I love my wife and our kids” and then slide into my DMs wanting to rail me but I suppose that’s another topic for another day.
4 thoughts on “It’s Me, Hi”
Hello , Hanna ! Being a 75 & 3/4 years old transgendered individual , I appreciate the viewpoints you express on living in our realities . Many times in recounting the challenges of navigating two lives I find that I can easily relate to experiences and feelings you share . I admire your courage and honesty concerning your journey. Thank you for inspiring me to try to be braver and more open in inviting others into trying to understand me and our world ! Always , P.D. Miller
Hannah, So sorry that you receive this harassment. It does seem, though, that you have found a reasonable way to deal with it.
A couple thoughts about the seeming dichotomy between the blatant sexual tone of these would-be suitors and their apparent social views as evidenced by their Twitter profiles: 1) And this is going to sound snobby, but I think it is true, guys who would attempt approaching any woman (trans or cis) in this manner are not the brightest bulbs on the tree. So, I would not make any assumptions about what they might read (or if they read) or what they understand. 2) Without question, there are those who adhere to an overly rigid social/moral/religious code around sexuality because of their own sexual conflicts and shame. (Both you and me went to Catholic grade schools. Either of us could write volumes about this in only a slightly different context.) Nancy
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I have a similar problem, though I’m less visible online than you, and so it’s less of a problem.
I tend to think that there’s a group of guys who are doing nothing more than trawling a net through the water. They message 100 people who look vaguely like women, and they invest the minimum in their message (“Hi, Ur hot LOL”). This message isn’t personal, of course, and mostly they don’t expect a reply–and they’re not hoping for a reply that leads to deep conversation.
Once in a while, they will get a catch: someone who’s maybe feeling a bit lonely or a bit vulnerable or a bit horny, or all 3 (and I’ve been that person), and that person will respond. And of those who respond, once in a while they’ll get someone who is willing to have some flirty texting or exchanging of pics or even a video chat.
I think the guys who do this are doing it precisely because they don’t have the charm or the wit or the looks to attract partners to them in real life; which is why they so often turn out to be arseholes.
Some (I think) post false profiles and pretend to be in the American armed forces–these guys are plainly scammers looking for money, rather than hookups. I had one “admirer” who claimed to be a marine engineer. I asked him to explain the mechanism of cavitation (which of course I understand well) and he responded with the first three lines of the Wikipedia article about cavitation, which I called him out on. Interestingly, he didn’t seem to want to pursue our “relationship” any further.
This type of behavior is not limited to guys after CDs. It’s there for us full-timers, too. And for CIS women. Yes, not all men. And yes, not all women. But it is common enough to have message boards on the topic. With multiple examples presented each day.
I’m on a few dating sites, and on the “straight” sites, I have posted as a photo caption “Human, Woman, Transgendered”. And I note in several places in my profile that I’m a transgender woman. When someone expresses interest in me, my first reply always ends with “One thing I want to make sure folks have seen on my profile is that I’m a transgender woman. I fully believe that trans women are women, but I don’t want to mislead anyone that might feel differently. Evelyn” Even with all the notes in my profile (which they often have “liked”), I still get replies back basically saying “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see that. Yeah, we aren’t going to work out.” Maybe I should put the “Human, Woman, Transgendered” across the photo itself, in high-contrast colors. At least that way if all they are doing is looking at the photos they _might_ read it.