Ask Hannah!

I have a supportive girlfriend who knows about my dressing and helps me shop and improve my appearance. However as my wardrobe has increased and sometimes our intimate times involve dressing she is consumed by the belief that I am gay and would be happier being with a man than with her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not physically attracted to men, except for that one part that is part of our intimate play. How can I convince her of this?? I enjoy your blog and would appreciate your insight.

There is probably nothing you can do to convince her. Sorry.

This is something that she will need to realize on her own, if she realizes it all. It cannot be rushed. It will require time and patience. She will also likely always listen to her heart and she may never completely be convinced that your crossdressing experiences wouldn’t be… hm, enhanced by being with a man.

This isn’t a slight on her. Crossdressing is a LOT for our partners to accept and many of us, myself included, don’t make this aspect of us easy to understand or to live with. We are the ones who must take responsibility for our gender identity. In many situations, it’s not the crossdressing ITSELF that is an issue, it’s sometimes our behavior that is associated with crossdressing that is the challenge.

For example, my wife never minded when I bought stilettos, but when that money should have been used to pay rent… that was the issue. It wasn’t the shoes, it was being financially irresponsible.

In your situation, dressing during sex is likely AMAZING but it might not be her favorite thing, especially if your dressing becomes the norm during intimacy. A very normal thing I hear from partners of crossdressers is that dressing during sexy time increased and it quickly became a constant addition. Whereas before it was on occasion, but has progressed to

every.

single.

moment.

of.

intimacy.

Some partners tell me that they feel that sex is just an excuse or an opportunity for their significant other to dress up. Which is fair.

I am not sure what you mean by except for that one part that is part of our intimate play. If there is an element during sex that might… cross a sexual preference/sexual identity/sexual act line, this is likely fueling her feelings. She is likely associating, and for understandable reason, your dressing with sex. Many crossdressers want to be with a man in an intimate moment not necessarily because they are attracted to men, but rather they like “being the girl” during sex. Essentially sex with a man enhances the crossdresser’s feeling of femininity for some.

If you’ve expressed… something related to being sexual with a man, or even just part of their anatomy, even if it’s just, in your words, part of your intimate play, it’s going to be nearly impossible to put that genie back into the bottle. You can’t unring a bell. Sexual fantasies tend to not fade away and it’s not unfathomable your girlfriend is reminded of “that one part” whenever you have sex and/or when she sees you dressed up.

Again, I am not sure what you mean by except for that one part that is part of our intimate play but it sounds like you’ve given her precedent for her thinking/fears.

Crossdressing/gender identity are difficult concepts for someone who doesn’t crossdress, or someone who is cisgender, to understand. Most of us are taught through movies and television that crossdressing is very much a fetish and is very related to sex. Because of this, it’s not unexpected for our significant others to assume it IS about sex and it is ALWAYS about sex. Shaking off the sex/crossdressing association, if you will, is not easy and takes time.

My insight? Leave the lingerie in you dresser sometimes. Make sure she knows and feels that intimacy is between you both, and your attention is on her, and your excitement comes from her… not from what you are wearing.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!