Hi!
We are now one-third of the way through Pride month. Only a few more weeks of major corporations doing the bare minimum to convince the queer community that Pepsi and Wal-Mart are our allies.
Part of me feels disconnected to important moments like Pride or Transgender Day of Visibility Even though days like these are meant to celebrate those of us who live outside the gender binary they can be a reminder that this aspect of some of us is more complex than some cisgender people may realize.
But I suppose that’s the truth for almost everyone, right? From an outsider’s perspective it can look like someone else has it easier than we do even though we really don’t know for sure.
When my brother came out I felt, well, not jealous, but part of me wished that I could come out as simply as he did. I mean, from my perspective it was as concise as “I’m gay, I like men” and that was that.
He may not have been met with the acceptance that LGBTQ+ people deserve, but at least people knew what he meant. He didn’t like girls, he liked boys and that was that. He didn’t qualify his sexual orientation in the same way I feel I would need to qualify my gender identity. He didn’t say “I’m gay but I don’t like men with blonde hair” or “I’m gay but I don’t like brunch” or whatever.
I don’t mean to trivialize his journey as I know he struggled with his sexual orientation and I know it took a tremendous amount of courage to come out and to live authentically. Buuuuut I had wished, and still do, that I could be just as succinct and relatable as he was/is. People know other gay people, whether in their own lives or gay characters from a movie. I feel that the gay and lesbian community have more (and more realistic) representation than the gender non-conforming community has. I mean, we have RuPaul and fictional characters but I’ve yet to see an honest representation of someone like me in mainstream media.
I suppose I make all this a little more nuanced and complex that I need to. I suppose there’s really nothing preventing me from saying “I wear girl clothes” and be done with it. But I can’t. I feel there’s more that I need to add as qualifiers than that. I mean, yes I wear girl clothes but I feel I need to clarify that statement. The general thinking around “Boys Who Wear Girl Clothes” is that people like me are attracted to men and/or fetishists and/or transitioning, amongst other narratives.
Since it’s important that I am not misunderstood I feel a need to clarify who I am and who I am not as much as possible. Please note that I wrote “I am not misunderstood” which is different from saying “I am understood“. I think for some of us it’s not easy for others to understand who we are and why we are who we are. It’s a lot to ask someone else when I can’t really understand, you know, all of this.
But I care little for understanding myself at this point. When it comes to my gender identity it’s more important to me that I just KNOW who I am as opposed to UNDERSTANDING who I am.
As I outlined earlier, the general thinking around “Boys Who Wear Girl Clothes” are predominantly three things:
-People like me are attracted to men
-People like me wear what I wear for kinky reasons
-People like me are going to/have transitioned
Of course, there are some people like me who can relate to one or even all of these things, but not every single one of us.
I feel that coming out to others would require me to address these common misconceptions around those who live outside the gender binary. Not because there’s anything wrong with the three things I listed, but they are (to me, anyway) significant aspects to a person that can fundamentally shift how others interact with them.
For example!
I am married to a wonderful woman. If I were to come out, these common misconceptions would impact how others would see my wife. People would speculate and possibly even gossip about our her and our relationship which is something we keep very private, even beyond my gender identity.
She would likely be asked a lot of questions about her partner that she doesn’t really want to talk about.
Now, to be clear, my wife is supportive and amazing about all of this. But coming out is exhausting and nuanced (for many of the reasons I am writing about here) and although she is perfectly comfortable with all of this, and she knows who I am, the thought of trying to convey all of this to someone else feels daunting.
Another thing I want to avoid is others thinking that she is naive about who she is married to. I don’t want other people thinking (and let’s be honest, this thinking is likely to happen) that it’s just a matter of time until her husband decides to transition or is sneaking around with men behind her back.
And yes, there’s the thinking of ‘who cares what others think’ but not many people like being the subject of gossip particularly when the gossip is about someone’s marriage.
So, out of respect for my wife and for our relationship, I willingly and happily keep my gender identity and wardrobe private.
As for the common thinking that all of THIS is a fetish, kinks and the like are not something most people are comfortable knowing about someone else. We all know that when someone is in an… intimate moment, they may be wearing something that arouses them or using language (or accessories) that enhance the moment. We know that roleplay is common between two (or more) people. Let’s be adults here.
But I have no interest in knowing these details about other people besides my wife. I don’t want to know what my friends do behind their bedroom door. I know that things probably happen but it’s not my business.
It’s fair to assume that other people don’t want to know similar things about me and my wife (or they are at least polite enough to know that they shouldn’t ask). If I were to tell others that I wear (and simplify this as much as possible) girl clothes, there’s a very good chance that, to them, I am telling them about something that arouses me.
Since all of THIS is commonly portrayed in movies and television as a kink, it’s not a surprise that most cisgender people assume that’s all that this is. After all, it’s what they are taught and it’s what they are shown. Whether or not I am discussing wearing girl clothes or a love bondage or whatever, most people don’t really want to know intimate and/or kinky details about their friends and the other people in their lives.
I mean, I suppose I could say “I wear girl clothes but not for kinky reasons” but, I don’t know, that just sounds weird.
And yes, I know I am probably feeling that I need to be more specific than I likely need to, but this is how I think. When Pride comes around I think about coming out to more people but then I think about alllll the language that (I feel) needs to come with it and I get overwhelmed about the idea. Part of me thinks it would be easier if I did a flow chart or something.
Pride month and other moments meant to celebrate our community are wonderful and even if you can’t celebrate who you are with the rest of the world, I hope you celebrate who you are with yourself.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 