Video Killed the Blogging Star

So… this weekend Shannonlee and I shot our first two videos for the En Femme series called “Help Me Hannah”.

Anyway, do you ever stand in male mode in front of the mirror, with your makeup spread out all over the counter and your outfit for the day hanging up behind you? And you start to wonder how this is going to go? What is this going to look like?

Goodness I know that feeling. I have that feeling every time I am at the precipice between BOY and GIRL. My middle aged male self is staring back at me, almost taunting me. How are you going to turn THIS into HER?

Like going on a quest, you have to get help from others and you need to prepare. Frodo didn’t go alone, after all.

My armor is a corset and a dress. My companions are my makeup artist and photographer. With their help I can rid my mirror of masculinity.

…where was I going with this?

Everything new we do in life, especially en femme, is an adventure outside of our comfort zone. Much of the hesitation we have when we do this is unknowing what will happen or how things will turn out. We fear the unknown, we fear failure.

I am very glad I have taken the chances I have. Whether it was taking the chance of when I started the MN T-Girls or contacted various designers for modeling opportunities or booking a professional photo shoot. All of these chances led to amazing moments that have enhanced my life. Even going out of the house en femme was, and still is, a huge step.

But they all have been with a huge amount of hesitation, fear, and trepidation… all rooted in not knowing how things will turn out.

This past weekend was very much like that. When Shannonlee and I arrived at the studio to shoot the videos we were both about to embark on something new. Between the open suitcase filled with clothes and various audio recording gear spread out on a counter it was a little overwhelming and intimidating.

Doing something new is always easier with a friend and I’m glad that these new projects are another opportunity to work with her. Her honesty and feedback and friendship, along with her photographer’s eye is a blessing.

With the ring light charged and the microphone snapped onto her camera, we bit the bullet and dived in.

We recorded, re-recorded, started over, started again. We laughed, I tripped over my words, I babbled, I went off-script, tried again, and again and again.

I wanted to, more or less, adapt my writings into video presentation. But my fear was, and is, not knowing how if I could do it. You know, the fear of not knowing how something will turn out. I tend to be a very careful writer (but I still make spelling errors and grammatical mistakes). I write, I edit, I rewrite, I start over. When I speak, I try to speak slowly as I am trying to choose my words carefully so I can avoid not being misunderstood. I am not always very spontaneous and it’s sometimes hard to know where I am going when I start talking.

I had an outline of what I wanted to say and the points I wanted to make. I didn’t want to come off as if I was reading cue cards or anything like that. I wanted to appear genuine and sincere. I wasn’t trying for perfection, I expected a few ums and ahs and that’s okay.

I am not sure how many minutes of video we shot. I have no idea how the editor will work her magic with what we filmed. But I’ve also wondered how my makeup artist will work with what I bring her and I’ve also wondered how Shannonlee will be able to get a decent photo of me.

Working with professionals is amazing. I love seeing talented people take something and turn it into something beautiful and amazing. It’s like watching a chef turn a pile of ingredients into a delicious meal or an artist taking paint to a canvas.

I was more relaxed than I thought I would be but I am still wrought with anxiety. What if the microphone didn’t work as well as it should have? What if every minute we filmed is unusable? What if I spoke too quickly?

I am trying not to overthink. This is a learning process.

One of the unknowns about all of this was whether or not I would enjoy doing these things. And I did! More than I thought I would. I learned what went well and what didn’t and I have ideas for the next one.

I’ve no idea when the videos will be posted but I promise I’ll be sure to tell you. Just be gentle with your feedback. 🙂

Love, Hannah

5 thoughts on “Video Killed the Blogging Star

  1. I can appreciate the effort you put into it – it can be a trying experience! Both my parents and multiple siblings, grandparents, etc. are/were teachers (including several honors English teachers) and the first time I read a transcript of my speaking/presentations I was horrified — some bad grammar, incomplete sentences, “uuummms”, “uh-huhs”, it all came through in the print out! I learned you just have to roll with it and make sure the audience is gets the message (. . . one of which is I am not an uneducated blowhard – I do know what I am talking about). Good luck — hope they are published soon.


  2. I really admire your courage! I struggle internally whenever I have to speak to a group…you think it would get easier but it doesn’t. I even get stage-fright on Zoom!

    Trevor Noah recently said in an interview that he forced himself to do scary things, because, if I recall correctly, he felt that is how a person grows. So if that is true, you have grown a bit more from that shy girl I remember posting a few pics on a cross dresser forum maybe a decade ago!

    I guess I have grown as well, having come out to many former colleagues and friends and getting involved to some extent in the community as a trans woman. It scared me, but has been rewarding.

    Liked by 1 person

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