This is Not Really Happening… You Bet Your Life it is

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that it was time to start posting the somewhat huge backlog of pictures from my last few photo shoots. I really don’t know why I haven’t been doing so. I mean, I heart the pictures and the shoots were so fun but I think it comes down to feeling a little vain about post after post of photos. 

To avoid a seemingly endless series of photos, I am breaking up those posts with, well, non-photo posts such as Ask Hannah! questions and my signature ramblings.

Today’s post are pictures from a visit to Ali Malone of Malone Portraits that I did waaaay back in June of last year. The theme of the shoot was, well, empowerment, now that I think about it. Bold, daring, and powerful. 

Confidence.

I’ll be posting more pictures from the shoot and some of what I wore is a little more risqué than what I normally wear for these things. 

But that was the point.

A revealing outfit does not, in it of itself, create confidence. You have to be, well, in love with your body. 

Well, maybe in love isn’t the right phrase. I mean, that does sound a little arrogant. I don’t have a perfect body and I can point to countless things I am not super happy about. But lately I’ve been thinking about how fortunate I am to have the body that I do.

And what I mean is that I am not necessarily feeling fortunate for my dress size or anything, but it’s more about feeling blessed and feeling grateful for legs that can dance, arms that can hug, hands that can hold a book.

It’s the awareness that nothing in life is a promise and in a blink it could be over. My heart could continue to beat but there will be a point in my life when I can’t do what I can do today. 

As the shoot wore down, I was feeling exhausted. It’s not unusual for a part of my brain to speak up during these photo sessions telling me “okay, I think you have pretended to be a super model long enough. Time to put our ego back in check.” It’s at this point when the responsibilities of HIS life creep back into my mind.

But Ali had one more idea. 

On a little rolling rack she had a few different outfits. She showed me this huge, flowing, vintage red robe and asked if I could, well, do something with it.

I had no idea. 

But the Tori Amos was turned up loud in the studio and the sun was shining through the tall windows and I stripped down to my bra and panties. I slipped into the robe and danced.

I felt ridiculous. I couldn’t believe this moment was happening. Wearing such a striking robe and little else. 

For a minute.

And then I just… disconnected. I closed my eyes.

But Ali’s eyes were open.

Here is what her camera captured.

Although I was as disconnected from my thoughts as much as I could be, I do remember thinking that no one will ever see these pictures.

But here we are.

Are these pictures, well, flattering? I don’t necessarily think so. My tummy is a little more prominent than I would like it to be, any muscle definition feels more masculine than I would like when I am presenting femme. 

And so on.

But these photos capture a moment that I do think is not very normal for me. My thoughts and inner monologue (and inner critic) was little more than a whisper when they are normally very chatty. I ignored feelings of being self-conscious. I wasn’t worrying about if my more masculine features were more on display than I normally like.

Normally these shoots have little to no emotional response during them but this moment felt different and I’m glad I stopped taking myself so seriously and just responded to whatever I was hearing and feeling.

I sent these pictures to a friend who was interested in editing photos and videos of me for a project just to see what they would do with them. They did a small edit and set them to a video and I hope you like it. 

Life is funny, isn’t it? Photos that you never thought about taking turned into photos you never intended to show anyone make their way onto a website. I mean, the photos aren’t even edited. Not that my photos have a lot of editing anyway, but normally Shannonlee plays around with the lighting but nothing beyond that. This is how I look. 

I like getting older. Well, my body doesn’t but my heart and soul and mind do. I like that I care less about what others think. I like that I care less about what I think. Ten years ago these pictures would probably have stayed locked in a folder on my laptop. They would have been too embarrassing, too silly. But today they are a captured moment when I could dance.

Love, Hannah