T-Girl Friendship is Magic

It’s easy to focus on the negative. I wonder why. We can get ten compliments on a dress but we tend to remember the nasty person who intentionally went out of their way to make a snarky and mean comment.

I don’t need anyone’s approval for who I am. I mean, it would be kind of weird to walk up to random people and ask for that. Can you imagine how uncomfortable you’d be if someone approached you and asked if you approved of their gender identity or presentation?

We shouldn’t ask for, or expect the WORLD’S approval. I mean, on my more pessimistic days I can barely think of ANYTHING that most of the planet agrees on. Considering some people think the earth is flat tells me that we have a long way to go before gender equality.

That being said we as gender non-conforming people need to know that we are loved and we are accepted. Acceptance isn’t the same as approval. If you think about it, approval of someone else’s gender identity is kind of hard to define. Does my wife approve of my gender identity? I don’t think it’s something either of us have considered. Does she accept my gender identity? Absolutely. She understands that this is who I am and that this is a significant part of my life and therefor an element in our relationship.

This acceptance did not come easily or quicky. It took time and patience and communication and honesty. It wasn’t always a linear path. It took time for my wife (and for me as well) to understand that despite evidence in popular media, my dressing wasn’t a kink or a fetish to everyone like myself. It wasn’t and it isn’t something I can stop doing. It’s who I am.

When people are in a relationship with each other they learn about one another. Their habits, their behaviors, their emotions, their… everything. This includes learning about each other’s gender identity.

Granted, most people’s gender identity is pretty straightforward but for many of us it’s not as simple. My wife and I learned this about myself. It became clear to both of us that this is who I am and like other aspects of a person, you realize that this is a part of them, and ultimately a part of the relationship.

I don’t mean to trivialize gender identity, but it’s not too different than when your partner is a little… challenging to work with when they are hungry. Sure, it might not be your favorite characteristic about them, but you know that if you are going to be married to them you will need to accept that they might be kind of a jerk when they need to eat.

Finding acceptance is work. It’s takes effort and communication from both people. But I think it requires more effort on our part. What I mean is that I accepted myself long before I met my wife. I had already spent decades wondering why I am who I am and even trying to stop being who I am. When I came out to her there was no hesitation, no doubt, no confusion, no desire to change who I am.

Coming out to her took her by surprise and she had to process a lot in a relatively short period of time. I had decades to work this out, but she didn’t have that luxury of time. What I mean is that I came out to her after just a few months of dating. It’s usually at this point in a relationship that people need to make a decision about whether or not the relationship is going to continue. I think both of us were dating to see if we were right for each other as we were both marriage minded.

When I came out to her, my wife was not only deciding if I was the right person to commit to, but whether or not this aspect of myself was a dealbreaker. She may love me, but did she want to be married to someone who might be conflicted about their gender?

I wasn’t conflicted about my gender. I knew that. I had decades to consider who I am and I had years of therapy to work that out. But she grew up watching people like me in movies and television shows. People like me who were portrayed as fetishists, perverts, confused, and in denial about their sexuality and gender. It’s normal to assume, based on her experience, that every crossdresser was like that.

Can you blame her?

And then all of a sudden her boyfriend of a the past few months tells her that yes, I like to wear panties and no, I am not into men, and yes, I am very secure with who I am and no, I do not want to transition.

It’s not a surprise she was skeptical.

My wife is wonderful in countless ways. Her acceptance is the icing on the cake, or the lace on the nightgown. I married someone who is smart, cute, empathetic, funny… these are the qualities I wanted to find in a partner.

And of course, if she accepted my perchance to wear lingerie, even better.

If I have sought out a partner who accepted my gender identity as the most important aspect of them, I might not have found a partner with the other qualities that I think are essential in a relationship.

Relationships need common values, not necessarily common interests. I am asked often if my wife “participate” in my dressing? I am not really sure what this means. She and I chat about my plans, we chat about my day, we chat about makeup, and what outfit I am going to wear. She buys me dresses, she suggests accessories.

So yes, I think she does participate.

The point is that there are aspects to my life, giant, fabulous aspects, that are mostly my own. These aspects include Hannah but also my love of reading and art and hiking with the dogs. My wife loves hearing about these parts of my life, but again, does she read the same books I do? Does she spend an afternoon getting lost in the woods with our dogs? No.

To be fair, do I participate in all of her interests? No. She has her podcasts and she has her passion for trying new recipes, and socializing with her friends.

When I think about the interests we share, I think it comes down to Taylor Swift, Saturday Night Live, and pizza from a local restaurant.

Of course, I am exaggerating but I think you get my point.

It’s the values that two people share that keep a relationship strong and healthy and fulfilling. It’s communication. It’s being on the same page on the important things. It’s being on the same page politically.

And yes, I think it’s important to be on the same page politically. Political parties have become the representation of social issues. What I mean is that if you know how someone leans politically, you probably know their opinion on issues such as immigration and healthcare and LGBTQ+ rights. Not always, but in most cases. If someone tells me they vote Republican, regardless of the reason why, all I can think of are the countless laws that are proposed and enacted that restrict healthcare for LGBTQ+ people or prohibit people from changing their gender on their drivers license. I suppose I take it personally when a friend or family member votes for a party that passes legislation like that, even if that legislation isn’t THE reason they vote that way.

lol, I am going to get sooooo many angry and unhinged emails because of that last paragraph.

Anyway.

I am fortunate beyond measure to have the spouse that I do. Her acceptance of my gender identity is again, the lace on the nightgown. I need her acceptance. I really do. I think we all need this from our partner.

But please know that acceptance doesn’t always mean open communication about this side of you. Acceptance isn’t always your wife surprising you with a dress. Sometimes acceptance is tolerance. Sometimes it’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. If your wife knows you dress but would prefer not to see panties in your dresser and would prefer not to talk about this side of you, that is, in my opinion, still acceptance.

It might not be the amount of acceptance that you would like, but it’s still there. When I accepted that this side of me wasn’t going to go away, I thought about how this might impact my relationships in the future. It would always be a factor. I would daydream about falling in love with someone who would take me lingerie shopping, but I also knew that I would be lucky to have someone who tolerated me wearing panties.

I came out to two girls I was dating before I met my wife. The first girl accepted this side of me. What I mean is that she accepted that this was part of me and I wasn’t going to grow out of it. But she didn’t want to discuss it. This is a classic example of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and, in this case, “Don’t Do It”.

The other girl was very enthusiastic about this side of me and even encouraged it. Buuuut we were not compatible in many of the key aspects of a relationship. This experience taught me that although my partner’s acceptance was important, it couldn’t be the only thing we agreed on.

I am getting waaaaay off track here but the point of this post is to talk about why support is important.

Too many people tell us that this aspect of ourselves is wrong. And sometimes that person is ourself. I don’t know who needs to be told this but there is nothing wrong with what we wear, how we identity, what we want, what is in our wardrobe, or what we daydream about.

Acceptance from others can be validating but I don’t need acceptance from anyone in the world besides my wife and my immediate family. Remember, acceptance can come in different forms. The acceptance that I have from my mom and siblings is not the same acceptance that I have from my wife. And it doesn’t need to be. The bar is pretty low when it comes to what I need from them, to be honest. My mom knows about Hannah obviously but really that’s the extent of that. My siblings and I can talk about her and I am wished Happy Pride during June and one of my sisters shares different things she sees online that Hannah would be interested in. It’s not the same as going out shopping as sisters but it’s wonderful knowing that my gender identity is not a reason for them to shun me.

Acceptance from people who are cisgender is wonderful BUT it can be exhausting. Understanding (regardless of what it is) usually comes from context and being able to relate to what someone else is experiencing or feeling. Gender nonconforming people can often feel that their birth gender isn’t the right gender and/or a different gender identity feels like a better fit.

Or perhaps some of us feel that more than one gender identity feels right. Or! A person doesn’t feel that ANY gender identity feels right.

I don’t mean to generalize but I feel that most cisgender people don’t question their gender identity very often. I don’t think my wife gets dressed each day thinking if the clothes she wears aligns with her gender identity. I don’t think she feels anxious or hesitates or overthinks when she has to check a box regarding her gender on a form.

Because of this, it took her some time to understand how I felt the way I feel. I’m sure it’s a strange concept for most but how can one person feel that more than one gender identity is right for them? How does one feel that although they have a penis it feels wrong for them to be male?

If we’re lucky we have people in our lives who, although they can’t relate to how we feel, they want to understand us, as much as we can be understood. Thus begins The Talk. The Talk usually consists of the whys and the whens and the hows and everything else. We likely will talk about sexual preference and whether or not we will or want to transition. It’s a rich and nuanced and often annoying and exhausting tapestry.

And every single one of us is different.

Of course, we also need to undo any damage or stereotyping that various movies and television shows have done when it comes to portraying gender nonconforming people.

In many ways, we are helping someone unlearn what they have been taught when it comes to people who identify as crossdressers or as transgender or anything else.

This is usually exhausting. The Talk can be intense, it can be challenging, it can be emotional, it can be humbling, it can leave us vulnerable. The Talk may take years.

This is why friendship from others like us is so crucial and wonderful.

Although I have support and acceptance from a few key people in my life, I also want someone to go shopping with. Sure, this might be shallow but that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with having fun with a friend. When I go out with the MN T-Girls, or do something with a friend from the group, I don’t have to worry about how they are feeling. What I mean is that when I went to a play with my sister recently I was very aware that they might be feeling anxious or uncomfortable when it comes to being out in public with someone like me.

But when I am out with another t-girl it’s not something I think about. That acceptance is already there. It’s built-in. It’s automatic. I think this is why so many of us look for girls like us. We want friendship but without the baggage, if you will. We already know our gender identity won’t be an issue.

It’s… hm. Have you ever wanted to see a concert or go to a movie but you didn’t to go alone but you didn’t know anyone who liked the band or the film but you had a friend who said they’d go with you anyway? So you buy their ticket and the entire time you’re thinking about whether or not they are bored or enjoying themselves and you’re so focused on their experience that you can’t really let yourself enjoy it? It’s kiiiiiinda like that.

I think my favorite thing about having t-girl friends is that there’s no need for The Talk. Although every gender nonconforming person is different there is little need for us to explain to each other how we feel or who we are and how we identify. Coming out to cisgender folks usually leads to a lot of questions. Which is fine, really. I’d rather be asked questions than be shunned.

And really, how can someone NOT ask questions? I love my friends and when someone shares something about themselves I want to ask (and I usually do lol) a thousand questions about it. I love it when people are into things. It seems like no one has hobbies anymore. I have a coworker who collects baseball cards. I care little about baseball but I love that he likes something. I ask him about his collection, which players he likes… and he just lights up. It’s really neat.

Ya’ll know I am easily distracted and as soon as I wrote about baseball cards I hopped over to Photoshop and made the above image.

Anyway.

I think this post has gone off the rails in the best ways possible. I am all over the map and the whole point of this was to say that friendships between girls like us are THEEEE best because we can be friends without having The Talk. We understand each other, we understand the whys of who we are and we understand that oftentimes there is no why of who we are.

Love, Hannah