In Defense of Crossdressers

We all have different perspectives and experiences and our different perspectives are usually based on our experiences.

We also have different opinions and an opinion is not something that is necessarily right or wrong. For example, some of us feel that thigh highs are better than pantyhose. This is an opinion. You likely have reasons why you feel this way, but you’ll never be “right” because someone else will have the opposite opinion.

Some people get very offended when someone has a different opinion about something that they are passionate about. I hate maxi dresses and some girls love them and I usually take a little flak when I say this, lol. Additionally, some people take it very personally when someone has a different perspective than their own. But again, perspectives are often based on someone’s experience.

I get emails about how I should not identify as transgender because I haven’t and do not plan on transitioning. I think this is because others that have or are transitioning have the opinion that identifying as transgender requires HRT or other similar steps.

I don’t think you can tell someone else how they should identify. I identify as transgender based on my own perspective on what The T Word means. I wouldn’t tell someone how they SHOULD identify. This is a personal decision.

I should mention that some of ya’ll have asked for my opinion/thoughts about how they should identify. Again, this is a personal decision but if I am asked, I will carefully tell them how I personally would identify in their heels. And I almost always tell them I would consider them transgender.

Again, this is based on my own perspective on the word. I do not think identifying as transgender has to mean transitioning.

And! I do acknowledge that not everyone will have this same perspective.

But! I do not think anyone has the right to tell someone that how they identify is wrong.

My perspective and opinion about The T Word is that it is an umbrella term, if you will. It can cover people who identify as a crossdresser, non-binary, drag, bi-gender… Essentially my definition of ‘transgender’ is a person who connects with societal and stereotypical gender characteristics of a different gender from the one they were assigned at birth. I suppose it might be more appropriate to use the term ‘gender nonconforming’ as the umbrella term but that is a topic for another day.

And yes, I know many of us care little about labels but for a lot of us we take comfort, especially in the early days of our journey, in knowing that there are so many like ourselves that there is a term for us. We often feel that we are the only ones in the world who love feeling pretty or wearing panties so knowing that there are countless others like us can be very reassuring.

But for every person who doesn’t concern themselves about labels there is someone who is very passionate about them… almost to the point where they may feel offended if someone identifies in a way that they don’t agree with. For example, when I get emails telling me that I am not transgender because I will not be transitioning. Obviously they feel that in order for someone to identify in that way then transitioning is required, but I don’t think that’s necessary.

And yes, this is my opinion but even Merriam Webster‘s definition of transgender makes no mention of medical or legal changes:

: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person was identified as having at birth
especially : of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is opposite the sex the person was identified as having at birth

Still, I will never say that my opinion of The T Word is never anything more than my opinion. I know that others disagree.

There is a small discord in our community about this very topic. Some of us who choose to identify as something, choose to identify as crossdressers, some as transvestites, the list goes on. And that’s wonderful! Identify (or don’t) how you wish, identify in a way you feel comfortable and beautiful and whole and happy. Yes, there are others who will say how you identify is wrong but don’t let them dull your sparkle.

As the title of this post says, I want to talk about those who identify as crossdressers.

I think out of all of us, crossdressers have the widest variation of presentation and wardrobe preferences. What I mean is that some crossdressers only underdress. Just panties, and that is it. They have never wanted to wear anything else that is commonly referred to as “girl clothes”.

But on the opposite side, I know girls who present completely en femme, from wig to heels and everything in-between who also identify as crossdressers.

I think both ends of the crossdressing spectrum get too much shit from some gender nonconforming people, if I am being honest.

Let’s acknowledge that in most media (movies, television shows) a crossdresser is usually portrayed and thought of as a fetishist. Crossdressing for decades was/is considered kinky or something a pervert would do. This stigma still stubbornly lingers and will probably do so for decades.

Because of this, some do not want to identify as a crossdresser. And that’s fair. You don’t need a reason to identify or to not identify in a certain way. Some want to make it clear that their dressing (whether it’s panties or more than that) has no connection to eroticism. And that’s also fair. There’s not a single whiff of sexual stimulation with what I wear. This side of me does not, if I am putting it crudely, turn me on.

Some girls who present completely femme but identify as a crossdresser get offended when some dude who only wears panties also identifies as such. They put in hours of careful work on their presentation and feel that their efforts are diminished when they are categorized in the same way as someone who only underdresses. To some, they are expressing their gender identity, not a fetish.

The opposite also happens. Some boys who wear panties want to make it clear that they do not have a feminine side and don’t feel that their gender identity is impacted by pink satin thong they wear under their khakis. Perhaps there is an element of arousal in this, perhaps not.

I don’t think I am saying anything shocking when I say that although “boys wearing girl clothes” isn’t arousing to EVERY “boy that wears girl clothes”. This perception, enforced by decades of hurtful stereotyping, still prevails. At least on the internet. It doesn’t take long to find photos of a sexual nature when googling “crossdressing”. I don’t think that the majority of “boys that wear girl clothes” do so because of a fetish but I suppose enough do as “proof” that ALL of us are aroused by it.

Annnnd honestly this perception is exhausting. I am not kink shaming anyone and I am not blaming crossdressing fetishists (promise) but since this stereotype exists every time I’ve had The Talk, a significant amount of time is dedicated to dismantling the myth that this is a kink for every “boy that wears girl clothes”.

Annnnnd there’s nothing wrong with this (or almost anything else) as a kink or a fetish. I feel that most of us have something that we, well, really like, but I really want to be understood, as much as possible. Gender identity isn’t an easy thing for most of the world to understand. A person with a penis who CHOOSES to wear panties isn’t easy to understand. A person who doesn’t HAVE to wear high heels but chooses to, also isn’t easy to understand. I spent yesterday breaking in a pair of stilettos and my wife is continually amazed that anyone would choose to wear those things, lol.

People who identify as crossdressers get a bad rap, as far as I am concerned, especially for those who wear girl clothes for non-sexual reasons. I identify as transgender and more specifically as bi-gender. I don’t think gender is binary, but I think for the most part, my gender identities ARE binary. What I mean is that I present as either boy OR girl (based on societal norms). BUT I am still a crossdresser in a way.

If we define crossdressing as someone who wears SOMETHING (whether it’s nail polish or panties) that are associated with a different gender, then I am RIGHT NOW crossdressing. As I type this I am drinking coffee and getting ready to leave the house in about 45 minutes. I haven’t shaved my face in two days, I am wearing a shirt and a pair of jeans that came from the men’s department at Target but I am under the jeans is a cute pink panty.

I am presenting as male but I am wearing “girl clothes” (not that you can tell). I consider this as crossdressing. Last week I brushed my wig, had a makeover, wore a cute pleated skirt, and cinched my corset. That day I presented as femme but I didn’t consider myself as a crossdresser.

And yes, this is rather nuanced. Nuanced to the point where it’s almost ridiculous when it comes to terminology. I suppose many cisgender people wouldn’t see the difference between “crossdressing” and “presenting femme” but I think a lot of us get it.

To some, fueled by decades of damaging stereotyping, a hairy dude wearing panties and a transgender woman are no different from each other.

Some transgender women, and some who identify as crossdressers, are resentful of masculine identifying people who are aroused by wearing “girl clothes”. The resent is fueled by the prevailing perception that ALL OF THIS is sexual for EVERYONE.

But we know it’s not.

This perception is NOT the fault of crossdressers. It’s not even the fault of crossdressing fetishists.

If anyone is to blame, it’s the fault of anyone who pushed this portrayal in “entertainment”. It’s the fault of every lazy reporter and journalist who never bothered to consider that crossdressing isn’t the kink that most people are told it is.

Of course, we can’t ignore that crossdressing IS very much a kink to some. The internet and porn is filled with this portrayal. Does this damage the non-sexual crossdressing/transgender community?

Maybe?

But the way I see it, there are outliers in every community. For example! I used to work at a book store. The department head of the science fiction/fantasy section was a die-hard, obsessive Star Wars fan. I love that people have hobbies and interests but this guy took his passion to a whole new level. He argued with anyone who had a different opinion on a character or a movie, whether it was an employee or a customer. He was overly critical about every aspect of anything related to Star Wars and although he might not be sexist, he suuuuuure hated every female character in Star Wars.

When people talk about toxic fandom this guy is the first person I think of.

It wouldn’t be unusual if someone who knew him came to the conclusion that the Stars Wars fandom was dominated by insufferable misogynistic assholes. But this was just one guy. I mean, he’s probably not the ONLY insufferable misogynistic asshole Star Wars fan but I really don’t think that the majority of Star Wars fans are insufferable misogynistic assholes.

But because of dudes like this, science fiction fans in movies are almost always portrayed as nerdy guys who can’t get laid. It’s an easy joke, it’s a simple laugh, but it’s lazy and (probably) not as prevailing as the screenwriter is suggesting.

I suppose I should point that a screenwriter is just trying to write a stupid movie and likely isn’t concerned if they are reinforcing an inaccurate or damaging stereotype. However, I feel that most stereotypes aren’t as prevailing as they are thought to be and it’s always lazy to go for the cheap laugh. Yes, I know that the nerdy virgin who really really likes Star Wars will probably get a chuckle from the audience but it’s still lazy.

Whether you’re a Swiftie or a Sissy, the more extreme and vocal demographics of a community tend to represent a group, even if they are a minority.

It’s not unlike a movie that has a crossdresser but they are written to be kinky or as comedy relief. Just once I would like to see a male character in a movie who wears a nightgown but is just a normal person.

I get emails from girls who identify as transgender who tell me that those who identify as crossdressers damage the public’s perception of the gender nonconforming community. This perception influences our portrayal in “entertainment” over the last few decades which is typically a sex obsessed or confused character that is usually meant to be comedic.

Yes, this is frustrating to see a character like this. Characters like that have absolutely shaped the world’s idea of what a GNC person is like. This is evident if you’ve ever come out to someone. Every time I’ve had The Talk I’ve been asked if this is a kink and if I am unsure of my sexuality/gender.

I don’t blame the person asking these questions. Movies and television shows have been telling stories about us for a very long time and almost every single time we’ve portrayed as such. We are (trying) to undo decades of stereotyping.

Much of the world doesn’t understand the difference between someone who wear panties as a kink and someone who feels the gender they were assigned at birth is wrong and makes drastic and challenging (and expensive) steps to have the body and the pronouns is right for them. Because of this, anything outside of the gender binary will always be perceived as sexual.

For example!

I exchange emails with people who grew up hating themselves, they felt uncomfortable in their skin, they despised their reflection, they didn’t fit in with the other boys. They had painful childhoods and were convinced there was something wrong with them. As they grew older they began to understand gender identity and they realized that many of their feelings and thoughts were entwined in this. After years of therapy and in some cases medical procedures, they have transitioned and feel happy and complete.

Their journeys sound difficult and heartbreaking. They are not steps that one takes casually.

I also exchange emails with people who lingerie during sexy time with their partner.

In both of these instances there is an element of going outside the gender binary but for different reasons.

Since much of the world doesn’t understand (or try to understand) the differences in these instances, someone who transitions is no different than someone who wears “girl clothes” during sex. Therefore, to some, every person that does ANYTHING outside of the binary is doing so for sexual reasons. All GNC people will likely be perceived by many as perverts.

And yes, this is frustrating. It’s frustrating to have something so important, so personal, so special, be reduced to something that is believed to be only sexual.

But this is not the fault of people who identify as crossdressers, regardless if the person who identifies as a crossdresser just underdresses or the person who identifies as a crossdresser presents completely en femme.

No one can tell someone else how they should identify even if how they identify is different than how you feel they should. If you feel someone should or shouldn’t identify in a certain way, it’s best to just keep your thoughts to yourself. It likely will not help anything. We as GNC people have enough dysphoria as it is and getting negative feedback from other GNC people stings even more.

My point in this is that we need to stick together. When someone tells me that they feel that crossdressers, sissies, or drag artists hurts the public perceptions of transwomen… well, I understand what they mean, to a point.

I identify as transgender as do many of us. If you identify the same way you may feel that transitioning is required to do so. Although we may identify the same way, we feel that there are different requirements to do so. I think it’s important that although we disagree on some points, we need to accept that neither of us is, well, definitively correct. It’s not helpful to tell one another who is “allowed” to identify in a certain way. We should support each other, even if it’s just keeping our opinion to ourselves. Let’s not police each other. Let’s not make others feel bad or ostracized when it’s possible they may already be feeling insecure or alone.

As I mentioned, sometimes I feel I am crossdressing. Like right now. Decades ago before I realized that all of THIS was entwined with gender identity and before I identified as transgender/bi-gender I was firmly in the crossdressing category.

Little did I know, and goodness I was naive, that for some of us crossdressing was very much a fetish. I didn’t know how sexual this was for some. I admit I was a little annoyed that something so important to me and something so personal was a kink to others. I didn’t know that was seemingly the prevailing opinion of the rest of the world. I felt that pornography was, well, diminishing something that I loved about myself. I didn’t want to be sexualized.

But regardless of how I identify, as long as I am outside of the gender binary, there is likely adult material that appeals to those who sexualize GNC people. We all know that transgender porn is a real thing.

And just as the overlap between crossdressing and porn annoyed me, on some level transgender porn annoyed me. Again, I bristled at the suggestion that something so pure and something that brought so much joy was/is kinky.

And if this is indeed erotic to you, okay! I am not kink shaming anyone. Promise. 🙂

Pornography is, well, a business. Everything is sexualized. There’s probably an audience for anything you can think of. This is not going to change anytime soon or ever.

But pornography is the business of selling a fantasy. It’s not real life. People should remember that. But I think some people conveniently choose to selectively believe what aligns with what they wish to be true. Ergo, that being GNC is sexual for ANYONE who is GNC.

This is what I think is the issue. It’s the world that has decided that THIS is kinky and it is ONLY kinky. Whether you wear panties during sexy time with your wife or whether you have been on HRT for years and are preparing the legal steps to change your name, to some, there is no difference.

And that sucks.

We have to work so hard to undo stereotypes and misunderstanding and intentional harmful portrayals when we come out to someone.

And that sucks.

The last thing we should be doing is criticizing others who are also GNC when they don’t fit the parameters that we think is true. I suppose my point is that if regardless of how you identify, let’s not tell belittle others who identify in the same manner. I have my own definitions and perspective on crossdressing and the T word, but I bend over backwards to emphasize that they are my own definitions and perspective. I know that others disagree.

Instead of us telling each other how a transgender person SHOULD identify, perhaps we should tell the world how a transgender person CAN identify.

Love, Hannah

Supporting others who are GNC even if they identify as something different from yourself