Hi!
There’s no question that, for the most part, children are raised influenced by the anatomy they are born with. The toys we are given to play with, the careers we are told we can pursue, the colors we are allowed to like, and of course, the clothes we are dressed in. This genderification sets us on a path for the rest of our lives. As we do our best to survive childhood we are also taught that certain feelings are for certain genders as well as what feelings are appropriate to express or discuss or acknowledge.
This path and this societal expectation stubbornly and persistently continues throughout our entire lives. The genesis of this conditioning is, ludicrously enough, all determined by the genitalia we have. Something so inconsequential, something that is arguably trivial, determines almost every aspect of our lives and relationships.
It reminds me of the song “What a Good Boy” by the Barenaked Ladies:
When I was born, they looked at me and said
“What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy”
And when you were born, they looked at you and said
“What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl”
We’ve got these chains hanging around our necks
People wanna strangle us with them before we take our first breath
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same
When temptation calls, we just look away
If you’re reading this website it’s likely you identify on some level of gender non-conformity. Perhaps you crossdress, perhaps you have transitioned, or one of the many aspects of gender identity and/or gender presentation between those two points.
You probably wondered why we have decided to shape the world this way. Why, oh why, did we establish these rules and societal norms? Why do we choose to keep this status quo?
And it is a choice.
It’s hard to even imagine how we can reverse this. It’s not unlike untangling Christmas lights that have been entwined for decades in the attic. Where does one even begin?
I got to thinking about all this when a friend of mine mentioned to me how exhausting and pointless to exert all this energy trying to fit into what society expects a male presenting person to be and what a male presenting person to not be.
In my male presenting adventures, I am not allowed to do certain things. And yes, I know feminine presenting people also have these expectations, but as someone who was raised as a boy and as someone who presents as a boy for most of my life, I am most familiar and have the most personal experience with male societal norms.
My friend wrote that sometimes people are told that certain behaviors and attributes and characteristics are assets. Like, it’s good to be brave, it’s good to be strong, to be confident. And to be clear, I do think it’s good to be these things, but I feel that as someone who was raised mainly influenced by what a boy or a man should be, I was also raised being told that the opposite of these attributes were weak.
This is when shame can come in. If we identify with emotions and behaviors we are told are “weak” we likely will feel ashamed that we can relate to a man who feels sad or relate to a man who wears “girl clothes”.
A gentle reinforcement of gender norms.
Unless it’s for “comedic” effect, men are rarely portrayed in movies as anything but strong and brave. Stoic. Confident. Gender, from a binary perspective, is usually written as surfacy. There’s little depth in these characteristics. Watching these movies as we grow up reinforce what a boy/girl “should” be.
And by default, it’s implied that not adhering to these norms is wrong. It’s weak for a man to show emotions.
I believe that this is what my friend meant when she said that an “asset” is a liability. Not sharing your feelings can lead to a challenging life and challenging relationships. I don’t care what is between your legs but if you don’t discuss your feelings and thoughts and if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable I think you’ll likely have a difficult and lonely life.
And my god, can you imagine a quicker way to sabotage a relationship? To commit to someone and never discussing your feelings with them? To always be “strong” and never “weak”?
I think many of us will come to a breaking point or as my friend put it, we get to a point when we finally crack. We can only hold back an emotion, a desire, for so long. When this happens, it’s possible we may express the feelings in a less than productive way. My friend went on to say that even when we acknowledge these suppressed emotions and desires we may never shake off the shame we were told to feel as we grew up.
And she’s right.
Breaking away and breaking from the expectations and norms that our families and society have of us is difficult and one of the strongest and bravest things we can do. Which is kind of funny, isn’t it?
What I mean is that as a boy I was told that crying and feelings and pink is for girls. But as an adult I feel that being vulnerable is one of the most courageous things I can be. To leave the house in the pinkest dress ever. To walk with my head held high in matching pink stilettos.
If this is so weak, then why do I feel braver, and stronger, than I ever have in my life? It’s easy to adhere to the “rules” that society has for us. It’s easy to color inside the lines, if you will.
Breaking away from an established norm is so hard. Breaking from a pattern is hard. I feel that so much of my life has been crawling out from under the heel of gender norms and what a “man” should be. On a personal note, my father was abusive and his father was abusive. Horrible men, if I am being honest. If this type of behavior is hardwired into us I knew I had to do something before it was too late. Years of therapy, years of getting help with discussing my feelings, years of being told that it’s okay to be “weak”.
Of course, it’s not weak. That was one of the first mindsets I had to change. It’s not weak to acknowledge your feelings. It’s not weak to advocate for yourself. It’s not weak to strut through the lingerie section of a store in the tallest heels known to humanity.
If you want to do something, do it.
If you are scared, then do it scared.
Love, Hannah
Related writing
What a Good Boy, What a Pretty Girl
Hannah McKnight 
Great post! It brings to mind early childhood. I have vague recollections of trying to figure out which of my behaviors/mannerisms were OK and which were for girls. All these years later, I suppose I may subconsciously try to screen out the male “tells”.
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If you ever met with a group of men at a neighborhood gathering, you most likely witnessed what I would call a very safe and filtered social exchange limited to predetermined topics. The yard, cars, politics, sports, etc. For cisgender men that do not follow sports, this is very apparent. This is not to say that men cannot or do not open themselves to vulnerability behind closed doors with their spouse or others, but the topics are usually limited and most men are very careful about what they say in front of other men. The idea of putting on a face that our lives our perfect so the rest of the world believes we don’t have any problems is another form of suppression that most of us can relate to.
The suppression of being oneself and sticking to a gender norm script is indeed by design. Men historically were always designated as the hunters and protectors. To be a protector, you needed to be viewed as strong, powerful, uncompromising. Unfortunately, this keeps the cyclical pattern continuing from generation to generation. As parents, friends, brothers, and sisters, we can lead by example by being ourselves and sharing our perspectives. Although I think some men are slowly shedding themselves of their father’s norms, others subconsciously continue supporting because that’s how they were raised.
If you ever sat in a business meeting and everyone stayed quiet even though it was clear many had an opposing opinion, and suddenly, someone got honest about what was being proposed, you could quickly see the room quietly nod in agreement and admiration toward the individual that spoke up. That is kind of what we need to do. Doesn’t mean we will all agree, but will start to foster an environment where people will start to feel safe to be themselves.
Thank you for posting this Hannah. The more we as a society talk openly about gender conditioning and the negative impacts on both GNC and cisgender individuals, the chink in the dam will hopefully continue to expand allowing all individuals to express themselves openly.
Nadine
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Long time listener, first time caller.
Awesome post Hannah and so true.
I listened to a pod cast the other day, talking about how gender is so important in our society, that being the US and a number of other countries with similar social norms. Everything is centered around gender. It is the first thing asked when a child is born, it is engrained in many languages where even things have a gender, and it is automatically signaled in how we describe certain people or things, like saying My Sister, you know immediately it is a female.
The podcast went on to explain that in many other societies, including some North American tribal nations, this is not the case! Other attributes are more important, for instance the age of the relative being more important than the gender.
In several countries there are also more than 2 defined genders, and people who fit in the categories between male and female are often attributed with special powers or status in the social web.
Lastly, your end comment will go into my collection of awesome quotes:
“If you want to do something, do it. If you are scared, then do it scared.”
Suzie Petersen
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I would argue that strutting “through the lingerie section of a store in” heels or boy mode is BOLD. And trying on lingerie (in boy mode) in a very busy lingerie stote is even BOLDER.
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