Do you feel the Sad (with a capital “S”) after a fun day out? And how do you deal with it?
What mean is, every time I go out, I get excited about it in advance. I have fun thinking about what I’m going to wear, how to do my makeup, what jewelry and accessories will go with my outfit. Then that morning while I’m getting ready I’m having so much fun, painting my nails and all that. And then I leave the house and I kind of get a little high from the joy of being out in the world as myself. Even more if I’m seeing friends!
Then, when the day ends, I go home, put away my stuff, and wash off my makeup, and the high passes. Then, when i take off my nail polish as the last step in returning to male life, I always feel sad. And that sticks with me for a day or two. Sometimes longer after something really big, like Pride.
I can always shake it off after a while. But I’m wondering if you or anyone else ever feels that? Almost like a hangover, in a way. And do you do anything to help recover faster?
When I make the physical transition from my male presenting life to Hannah’s technicolor world, not unlike Dorothy leaving her sepia toned farm and waking up in a vibrant, music-filled world of wonder, I glow. I also think about my outfit and even after all these years, my heart vibrates with excitement as I get my makeup done before my adventure du jour begins. Whether the adventure is just meeting a friend for coffee or a MN T-Girl event or a photo shoot, I glow.
When I return to my his life, I don’t feel sadness. It’s more like, “that was so fun and I can’t wait to do it again.”
And honestly that is the reason I know that transitioning is not the right journey for me.
I don’t feel that either of my gender presentations/gender identities is the correct one, and I don’t feel uncomfortable or inauthentic presenting as masculine or feminine. Two sides, one coin, baby.
I have a habit of compartmentalizing aspects of my life I thoroughly love his and her worlds. His world may not be as glamorous as hers, but I love it regardless.
Feeling sad, or feeling a sense of loss is very normal when it comes to the duality our lives create. Although I don’t experience that these days, I did in the past. However, I think that emotion was very much connected to the love, the freedom, the power I felt when it came to embracing myself and feeling authentic. I don’t mean that Hannah was who I was and she is/was my authentic self, but after decades of not quite being able to put my finger on, well, all of this, knowing who I was/am was an amazing thing.
Presenting en femme represented that power, that embrace, that acknowledge. I felt strong, courageous. I felt beautiful. The same emotions I still feel every time I am en femme. That power was strongest when it was Hannah strutting around the city and I loved feeling that. Hannah was/is also more in tune with her emotions and thoughts. She is more vulnerable, more patient. She isn’t up to her eyeliner in work stuff. Hannah lives a slower life, in a way. She doesn’t feel the need to be constantly moving and being productive. It’s Hannah who has a coffee at a cafe in the middle of a Saturday. It’s Hannah who spends hours going to different thrift stores and used bookshops.
Her life gives me moments to breathe, to live. I like being able to do that. Entering her world was, and is, a chance to take things a little slower.
Leaving her world and her life meant I was back to the grind of his life. That’s where some of the emotion manifested. I have a hard time balancing work and responsibilities but Hannah does not. Years ago I wanted to be able to do that. I couldn’t, but Hannah can.
It’s… not unlike being on vacation. On vacation I have no problem sitting by a pool and falling asleep after reading two pages of the book I brought. But HE hasn’t take a nap in decades.
Ask yourself if your situation is similar. Are you happier presenting feminine or is it possible that your happiness is coming from doing activities, such as Pride or meeting up with friends? Of course, it could be a little of both, lol.
Regardless, what now? How do you balance that? How do you make the transition back to your masculine presentation more bearable?
Two thoughts, one is serious and the other is more fun.
You may want to consider talking to someone who is a lot smarter than I am, such as a therapist to see if there is something more to do.
The second thought is keep in touch with your femme self in male mode. Wear panties under your boy clothes, leggings in male mode, sleep in a nightie… This sounds shallow but clothes are a very tactile reminder of the more beautiful side of my soul.
Love, Hannah
Have a question for me? Oh yes you do. Ask me here!
Hannah McKnight 
Yes, yes, yes!!! And this is how I realized transitioning was for me… I spent about a year trying to find a balance between my old self and Alicia, but it became more and more depressing everytime I had to take the wig/makeup off… it hit me that I was happier as Alicia… that I was ME as Alicia!
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I 100% agree with Alicia.
I often spend a week at a time as my authentic self. When it ends I get very very depressed. From there I just try to incorporate as much feminity as I can in my daily life.
I don’t really get excited for my next opportunity it is more just a contentment and feeling of completeness when it occurs.
Being transgender can be complicated. For the person asking the question, I wish you the best in finding what works best for you.
Jodi
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yes I feel sad almost to the point of, well you know what I mean but then I think the world wouldn’t be a better place with out me in it but that’s just my opinion he he
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The world is better BECAUSE you are in it ❤
Love, Hannah
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That is so true. The world is much better when not everyone is the same. It makes life so much more interesting. Learning about others is absolutely fascinating. Anonymous, if you are willing to share more I would love to hear about life. You goals, your successes, your failures, what makes you happy or sad, etc. Everyone is fascinating in their own way as are you.
If it is too difficult to do it here then I would be happy to share my personal email with you.
Jodi
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I would like to add an observation about brain chemistry. We know that positive experiences release dopamine, whether it’s a delicious meal, a romantic encounter, or getting dressed and spending the day out. What we may not be aware of is the dopamine balance our body try to maintain. It’s a physiological response, and may explain why we might experience buyer’s remorse, or some other regret after an indulgence. It’s a normal response. What goes up must come down.
Where one can get into trouble is when we try to avoid or minimize the down feeling by administering another dopamine inducing high. That cycle can turn into addictive/compulsive behavior.
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“Embracing both sides of ourselves, whether masculine or feminine, is a journey filled with moments of joy and reflection. Just like Dorothy stepping into the colorful world of Oz, we too experience the vibrancy of our true selves when we express who we are.
It’s natural to feel a tinge of sadness when returning from that world of freedom and authenticity. But remember, this journey isn’t about choosing between two identities, but rather integrating them into a harmonious whole. Each moment spent embracing your femme self enriches your life, allowing you to live fully and authentically.
Cherish those moments, for they are a testament to your courage and strength. Keep finding ways to nurture your spirit, whether through small gestures or deeper reflections. Your journey is unique and beautiful—embrace it with pride and continue to shine brightly, both as Hannah and in every aspect of your life.”
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