And the Bells are Ringing Out For Christmas Day

As I get older I realize (and reluctantly accept) that the holidays become a little more overwhelming each year. I don’t need to tell you that there’s typically a LOT happening during festive days and between shopping and cleaning and family it’s easy to feel a little insane lol.

I’ve been having a particularly difficult time this year getting into the holiday spirit and it’s for the above reason. When I was diagnosed as autistic a couple of years ago, I read everything I could about autism… special interests and all. There’s an aspect of processing and interpreting and reacting and controlling stimulants (such as sounds) that many autistic people experience. For me, when there is a lot happening I get overwhelmed, anxious, and exhausted.

Since I am a planner, I think about future events, whether it’s a MN T-Girls event or a family gathering. I consider how things may go down so I can prepare mentally and emotionally for them. Since the holidays are filled with my wife and I driving to and from different family functions over the course of several days, this time of year creates a sense of… hm, dread for me. I think about the two dozen people who will be crammed into my mom’s tiny townhouse for Christmas brunch and I imagine the countless conversations, the happy noises that my nieces will make, and everything else that happens at a family gathering.

How will I cope with all of that? How will I process all the stimulants that I can’t control?

And if none of this makes sense to you and if you think I am a whiny ungrateful little bitch for not being able to handle a little noise, then you probably aren’t autistic, lol.

I like my autism diagnosis. It’s helpful when it comes to understanding why I am how I am. In therapy I am given coping methods when it comes to times when I am feeling overwhelmed.

Or, as my wife puts it, when my autism is showing.

It’s frustrating that during what some refer to as the most wonderful time of the year I am feeling particularly twitchy and tired. And I know that many of us can relate, autism diagnoses or not.

Wow, this post was not meant to go this route, lol.

Anyway, the holidays for non-binary people can be difficult for a few reasons. Seeing beautiful Christmas dresses at the stores makes me want to wear a beautiful Christmas dress at a holiday gathering, for example. When I was younger I hated getting underwear as a gift because it wasn’t the underwear I wanted, lol. Many of us have relatives that have no problem telling anyone within earshot how horrible that transgender people are, whether or not they know (or care) that a closeted transgender person is in the same room as them.

I know that many of you are going to experience moments like this, and I know many of us just want to get through the holidays for these reasons. I feel for you, I can relate to you. It’s depressing that this joyous season can be triggering for many of us for different reasons and I hope that you find some moments of peace and happiness on this day.

On a completely different note, I’d love to share two photo edits made by my friend Annabelle, who runs a Forced Feminization blog. She’s done a few edits of me recently and has created amazing posters for two (fictional) holiday movies. It would be fun to film a short trailer for something like this.

Happy holidays to you all!

Love, Hannah