Bottled Up

It’s been an exhausting couple of weeks. I have had two work trips in ten days and airports and hotels and Ubers are draining. Work itself hasn’t been all rainbows and glitter and sparkly stilettos, either as my team has had a complete turnover since April.

Change isn’t easy, and it’s not easy for me. I like to stick with WHAT works and avoid things that didn’t work in the past. Having a completely new team at work, with different people with different ideas is counterintuitive to that. My new boss wants to try something, but I review with him why it didn’t work in the past, but he wants to do it anyway, and it fails again.

In situations like this, it’s tempting to lose my temper and tell him that he should have listened to me in the first place.

Anger has been a frequent emotion over the last few months. And I don’t like that. It’s not a productive emotion and when I am angry I tend to make impulsive decisions that make things worse.

I started to think about why I am so angry. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel I am being listened to, or that my decades of experience in this career aren’t being considered when it comes to new ideas and methods.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my anger is my problem. It’s coming from other emotions and it’s something I need to face.

On my last night of travel (for now), I sat in my hotel room and decided that this anger and this… going to war with everyone I work with is not serving me. It’s turning me into a bitch and I don’t like that. I don’t want to be this person.

I started to talk about this with my best friend, another coworker, and of course my wife. I had these feelings and anger so bottled up (hence the above image) and it was ruining my life. I also was taking responsibility for my feelings and that isn’t always easy. It’s humbling to be reminded that you are not the perfect, brilliant angel you thought you were. To admit that you’re arrogant is hard.

This week I wanted to start new. Stop being angry. Stop fighting with people that didn’t know they were warring with me. I wanted to work on my communication, my empathy, my patience.

It is taking a lot of energy and concentration and dedication to do this. To be angry was easy, but to be calm takes discipline.

The week is almost over and my colleagues didn’t stop doing things wrong (or doing things at all) and my boss didn’t stop doing stupid things, but I let it go. They didn’t change but I did. I had to.

To reinvent yourself, even in small steps, takes work and commitment and energy. I am drained, but it’s the same type of exhaustion after a productive workout. Yes, I am tired but it’s from trying to improve myself.

It’s… nice to not feel angry. I didn’t realize how frustrated I was and how blind I was to accountability.

It’s a reminder that we can change how we react and how we look at things at any moment. Mondays are horrible but they are a good day to start self-improvement, whether it is a diet or whatever. But Thursdays are good days for these things as well.

Talking about things helps. It’s not easy but it helps with your perspective. I NEEDED to be told that I was reacting wrongly. I needed to listen to my friends and my wife. I needed to admit that they were right.

I am taking a half day today (something I never do) because I am TIRED but also because I have some fun plans for the afternoon which I’ll tell you about next week.

I hope you all had a good week. It was emotionally exhausting for me but you know? It was good.

Love, Hannah