Ah, Changes are Taking, the Pace I’m Goin’ Through

Hi!

In 2016 I stopped drinking and over the course of six months I dropped fifty pounds. It wasn’t easy to completely stop drinking, to be honest. For a long time I had WANTED to stop but it was always “oh, what’s one more glass of wine?” which soon became “oh, what’s one more bottle of wine?”.

Yes, I drank every night for years.

But once I stopped? It’s been easier than I expected. Besides a few moments of temptation (but never giving in), I’ve been doing rather well.

But that’s kind of how I roll. Once I stop doing something and a routine or a habit changes (either starting or stopping something) I adapt to it rather quickly.

My weight has been up and down since COVID. Before 2020 I had a pretty stable routine of going to the gym almost everyday but once it, and everything else shut down, that routine went away. I thought that this would be a short closure so I assumed I could take a break from exercise for a bit until everything reopened.

Of course, that didn’t happen.

As COVID progressed and things weren’t returning to normal anytime soon, I realized that the stress eating and staying homebound was adding up. I started to go for runs outside and that helped but since then, even after things returned to normal, I’ve had a hard time getting back into my gym routine. I ended up gaining almost all of the weight I lost over the next couple of years.

The gym reopened and again I lost some of the weight that I regained but then we moved and I was further from my normal gym and once again it was hard to stay in that routine. My workouts started to get spaced further apart.

I had gained back about thirty pounds since the initial weight loss and it wasn’t really going away, despite joining a new gym which was closer to our new house. I was frustrated and I knew I didn’t have the “magic bullet” of quitting drinking again to lose weight.

I didn’t want to accept that the biggest contributing factor to this slow but steady weight gain was my diet, mainly because I didn’t think my diet was, well, bad. I didn’t drink soda or eat fast food, two typical factors that can contribute to weight gain.

However, although I don’t drink anymore, like many former drinkers, I had replaced wine with sweets. I’ve never had much of a sweet tooth but I can’t stop craving (and eating) pastries and desserts.

I was gauging my changing body by how my clothes were fitting. Some dresses didn’t quite zip up all the way anymore so that was depressing. My relationship with my body was changing and I didn’t feel very happy.

Now, to be clear, thin DOES NOT MEAN happy. The opposite isn’t true either.

I was frustrated because I knew that it was my own fault that I was gaining weight. Cake isn’t part of a weight loss plan. Although I am more physically active than I was a couple of years ago, it’s not enough to erase the amount of sugar I was consuming.

I don’t know if you ever feel this way, but I get very depressed when something isn’t going the way I want it to do but I know it’s my own fault.

Now, I know that I come off as pretty shallow and superficial but my weight wasn’t, ah, weighing on me only because of how my dresses fit. I am fifty years old and my doctor and I discuss things that I need to be aware of, as well as things that are different from what I used to keep an eye on. I don’t think I will live forever but I care more about the quality of the life I have left.

When I was drinking, I never thought about sugar. Again, I didn’t have much of a sweet tooth until I stopped drinking so pastries and the like weren’t a significant part of my diet. My assumption was that because I didn’t drink soda or eat candy I didn’t consume a lot of sugar.

But live and learn, right? I had NO idea how much sugar was in wine. I assumed I lost weight because I stopped drinking but I didn’t really think about WHY that happened. In retrospect I lost weight because I wasn’t consuming a million grams of sugar every night.

Of course, most people probably know how much sugar is in wine but when we’re young we tend to think we are invincible and things like nutrition aren’t really something we pay attention to. I held onto this mindset for longer than I should have.

As this year progressed I realized that I needed to do SOMETHING. I was tired all the time and I was so moody. I started to look at the nutrition information of what I was eating and drinking. For most of my life we were always told to avoid calories so that was mostly what I paid attention to. But then I looked at how much sugar was in what I was eating.

And holy guacamole.

I am not stupid, I KNOW cake has a ton of sugar but the amount of sugar in things like certain breads, protein bars, and the like blew me away. I was stunned by the amount of sugar in things like some granola bars and some yogurts. Even things that are promoted to be healthy are packed with sugar.

I suppose I was/am a little naive but I didn’t realize just how much sugar I was consuming.

So I stopped. Not completely, of course. There is sugar in my coffee creamer so that’s not changing but I’ve replaced a lot of things with fruit and salads. Small things, but part of a larger lifestyle change.

Small changes pay off, but you have to look at things with a longer perspective. Sure, a salad instead of pasta isn’t going to matter *that* much, but over a week, a month…. that’s when results can be seen and felt and measured.

One of my biggest flaws is how impulsive I tend to be. This was evident when the Pink Fog was really affecting me. For most of my life if I wanted SOMETHING I would buy it… without considering how that purchase would impact my finances or my ability to pay my bills.

These impulses have faded over time but the one that still lingered was/is food. If I was hungry, I would eat whatever was easiest and quickest. Of course, things that are easy and quickest usually aren’t the BEST things for us, but sometimes the immediateness of something is the choice we make. Yes, getting food from a drive-through is easier and faster, but it’s probably not the healthiest decision to make.

This was what I needed to overcome. I didn’t eat fast food very often, but when I was hungry I tended to heat up leftover pizza instead of making a healthier choice. I mean, heating up pizza takes only two minutes but making a salad takes ten minutes. If I was hungry and impatient I always made the quicker choice.

After one eats, they are no longer hungry whether their lunch was a salad or pizza. But then other things replace that hunger. Things like feeling bloated or feeling kinda gross or feeling tired. I feel better after I eat better. Again, nothing groundbreaking there, but for me I needed to stop obeying my appetite impulses and remember how certain foods would make me feel after I ate.

I knew that taking the extra time to make something would be better than the faster option. This was the impulse control that I needed to change.

April 4th was the last time I ate whatever I wanted. It was the last time I ignored sugar content. I’m happy to say that I’ve stuck with this. It’s not easy. I mean, I went to my niece’s birthday a few weeks ago and that ice cream cake was calling my name, but I resisted.

I don’t have a scale so any impact on this change wasn’t measurable in that sense, but I realized I had more energy, felt less sluggish after eating, and I was unconsciously cutting back on portions. I FELT better.

Despite not having a scale in my home, I was still weighing myself but not on a daily basis. I donate platelets (just hit twenty gallons!) so when I go to the donation center I get my vitals checked, such as iron count, blood pressure, and you guessed it, my weight.

Since April 4th, I’ve lost over twenty pounds. I was stunned. All of that weight loss just from cutting out sugar.

But that’s not quite accurate. Quitting sugar naturally led to other changes, like more protein and better meal planning and still maintaining regular exercise. It’s all a tapestry.

Weight change is reflected in your mood as well as the number on the scale, but it also impacts how you look. I’ve unintentionally chronicled my weight and appearance over the last eleven years through photo shoots. One’s body changes over time but these changes are not only because of your weight. I’m still ageing, after all.

My weight gain started after COVID and right around the time when things progressed to the new normal (nothing went back to normal, afterall) I started to do boudoir photos which is a MUCH classier way to say I was doing pictures in my undies lol.

For the first time most of my body was exposed. Parts that were normally covered by a dress were on full display. These photos triggered new emotions and although some were empowering, other feelings made me feel depressed. I didn’t like that my choices (diet) were clearly impacting my appearance and my health, including my self-esteem.

And yes this is shallow but I don’t WANT to be overweight. I am overweight. My doctor says I am. This is going to potentially cause problems such as heart disease. I want to have a good quality of life for the time I have left.

After only a few weeks of quitting sugar I had my first photo shoot. I was curious (and nervous) to see if this change would have a noticeable difference.

This photo is from a shoot in November.

And from last month.

Maybe not as significant change as you might be expecting but I see it, especially from behind and in my face. Again, these two photos are after only three weeks or so since I changed my diet.

I have another shoot this weekend and I am curious to see how the photos turn out.

I’ve a long way to go when it comes to where I *should* be (according to my doctor) and where I want to be but I am encouraged by what the scale and what the camera shows. It’s a reminder (to me, anyway) that making changes can matter, and these changes may take a while to show results. I am often reluctant to accept this reality.

One more thing.

My body tends to react somewhat quickly to any change I make when it comes to my diet, both in weight gain and weight loss. We all have different bodies and they react and respond to different foods and exercise. If you are looking to make a change or concerned about your health (for any reason), please talk to your doctor.

Love, Hannah

P.S. Upon retrospection I have no idea why I wrote this post either. I suppose part of me is a little defensive and sensitive about some of the criticism I get from time to time about not being as cute as I used to be or that I have no business posting certain photos. Changing my diet is not a response to these comments but instead it’s an effort to feel better and to minimize potential health issues and risks. You shouldn’t live your life as a response to haters and that is not the case here.

I think I started this post (which I began a couple of weeks ago and worked on it off and on since) as feeling proud of myself for cutting back drastically on sugar and was delighted by how much better I felt and that recent photos are proof that these changes are making a difference.

When one makes a change (regardless of what that change is), it can be discouraging if you don’t see results right away. We live in a world that has conditioned us to expect immediate change and benefits to any shift in habits. When those results don’t manifest overnight we start to question if what we are doing is/is going to pay off.

But change can’t always be measured in tangible results. Changing my diet has visible results but it also has other benefits that can’t be seen or felt. I feel my mood has stabilized, I am not hungry all the time, I sleep better, and I just feel better, especially after I eat. I am hoping that on a molecular level (whether it’s my cholesterol or other things) things have also improved. You can’t SEE those changes, but they are potentially happening.

I have to remind myself that no matter what I look like or how pretty I am or thin I am or how femme I am, it will never stop all criticism. We live on a planet where some people think Margot Robbie is just… kinda pretty when she is clearly one of the most breathtaking women on earth. If she is just “kinda pretty” then what chance do I have?

Again, you can’t base your happiness or live your life for others. I have no interest in making sure the cruel people in my email approve of me but I am human and I am flawed. Despite how much I wish it were otherwise, sometimes criticism triggers me. I wonder if part of my motivation to write this post was to tell them, subconsciously of course, to get off my back and to leave me alone. I am trying.

But not for them.