Hello! Thank you for being so open. I’m into crossdressing, but its exclusively a sex thing with me. I’m straight but get REALLY aroused dressed in garter, babydoll, stockings, crotchless panties, etc. There is something so exciting to me I can’t describe it. I’ve been like this since puberty. The reason I’m connecting here is that I am married and unfortunately my wife learned about this after being together for 5 years. I was in my early 30’s and hadn’t really accepted it at that point. I think I felt ashamed. It was complicated. When my wife found photos I had taken of myself (something else I love to do while all girly) she screamed “I married a crossdresser”. It was terrible but we are still together, so that’s good. We do talk more now but I want her to get into this with me. Maybe I’m expecting too much but life is short. Do you have any suggestions for me? Thank you.
This is OUR thing, whether wearing lingerie is simply a kink or deeply entwined in our gender identity. This aspect of us completes us, makes us whole, makes us happy, creates peace.
It’s incredibly unlikely our partners will feel even a smidgeon of the elation and bliss we feel. Our partners are probably not THRILLED and excited beyond belief that the man they married likes to wear panties.
That’s not to say that they hate what we wear or who we are. Many of our partners have accepted and made peace with who we are and our wardrobe choices. But are they THRILLED? Do they feel the same… tingle that we feel when we clasp our stocking to our garter belt? Probably not.
Our partners may be happy for us that we have embraced who we are and that we have things in our lives that make us happy, but participation is not the same thing. My wife loves me, she knows that this part of me is PART of me and makes me happy and this is who I am, but would I say she PARTICIPATES? Well, no. She zips my dress when I need help, borrows my jewelry, talks about makeup with me, she asks about what I did en femme, but I think participation means she would hit the town with me.
She loves me, and she knows that this is, well, my thing. It’s not unlike how I know murder podcasts are her thing. Not something I am into, but I am happy she has her interests.
If you’ve made the offer to her once, and she didn’t seem interested, then stop asking. You’ve made the offer, and she gave you an answer. Repeatedly asking her will not change her mind, if anything she may resent this part of yourself as it is the subject of topics that she already passed on.
Trust me, she knows the offer is there, and if she changes her mind I am sure she’ll let you know.
What you want is understandable though. The person we commit to is presumably the person we love more than anyone in the world. It’s natural to want to share our lives with them. If we love a movie, we want that person to see the same movie. If we love a restaurant, we take them there and hope they love it as well.
Your crossdressing isn’t that different. You, by your own admission, love lingerie and you are very aroused by it. It sounds like you want to, well, BE with your wife when you feel this way.
(I mean, we all probably want to be with our significant other when we are aroused.)
But your wife might not share that same arousal that you feel when you are wearing sexier lingerie than she is. It’s not an easy thing to accept but your crossdressing doesn’t sound like it turns your wife on.
It might be disappointing but not every couple shares the same kinks, fetishes, or triggers. You can’t MAKE someone get turned on by the same thing that turns YOU on. Arousal is not something that should be forced. You can’t learn to be turned on by something.
So, what you do? Nothing. It is what it is. It’s normal for two people to have different tastes in movies, food, books, and kinks.
Additionally it’s normal for us to feel guilt and shame (as you mentioned) for one reason or another when it comes to crossdressing. Society tells us that it’s wrong for boys to wear girl clothes or that we’re sinning when we do. I was raised Catholic so I was well aware of how often I was sinning (even outside of my own crossdressing) and the guilt I felt when I did. Crossdressing can also feel, well, selfish. Knowing that this brings us joy but our partners are stressed or uncomfortable with this reinforces the thought that THIS is selfish and there’s an aspect to who we are that our partners might wish wasn’t there.
It’s not unlike the new father who goes out golfing every single weekend when their wives are home alone with a brand new baby.
If we feel guilty, if we feel we are being selfish, we want these feelings to go away. Sure, we COULD stop crossdressing (we really can’t) but we don’t WANT to. BUT if our partners LIKED our crossdressing (or were aroused by it) then our crossdressing becomes something that BOTH people enjoy. Suddenly we are not wearing lingerie for our own enjoyment, it’s something our wife likes too. Presto, no more guilt.
One more thing. Life isn’t short. Not really. If you look at your life through the perspective of the day to day to day to day, you’ll realize that the years fly by but you live it one day at a time. We need to live our lives for the day to day, for the small moments. We need to look at decisions as both short term and long term.
There will come a time when all you have with her is the life you built, and the relationship you created. You are doing that now. There will come a time where sex isn’t as big of a part of your marriage as it used to be. Someday your life with your partner will be a result of how you communicated, how you listened, and what you made a priority… and what you demonstrated.
If you keep trying to share your kink with her, despite her not being into it, you are showing her that her responses, her reactions, her words, are not being heard or respected. It may not be easy to see now, but that dynamic is going to impact a lot of things both now and in the future.
I’m sorry, I wish I had more encouraging words, but take heart in knowing that you have more than most committed couples do when it comes to your crossdressing. Try to be content with her knowing about your wardrobe and that it doesn’t seem to be a dealbreaker.
Love, Hannah
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Hannah McKnight 