So! Consent is sexy and necessary.
Usually when we think of consent we think of it in terms of sex. If people are going to have sex with each other then everyone involved needs to be willing (and hopefully eager).
But consent isn’t necessarily limited to two or more people in a physical or intimate way.
Consent is, in a way, agreeing to play a role in something that is sexually or physically or emotionally or psychologically pleasing to someone else.
Consent needs to be given when it comes to a fetish or a kink as well.
Let’s talk about the obvious examples. If you enjoy your partner being tied up during intimacy, then of course that person has to consent to that.
If you like wearing lingerie in the bedroom, your partner needs to be, well, on board with that. What I mean is that a lot of us like to wear something sexy during sexy time. BUT many of us have partners who may support and accept this side of us, but have asked us to leave our lingerie in our wardrobe during sex.
Many fetishes and kinks are, well, obvious. If your partner asks you to, oh, I don’t know, wear a certain outfit in the bedroom it’s likely pretty clear what arouses them. Some girls know that their man likes it when they wear a schoolgirl skirt or a French Maid dress… but she shouldn’t wear something that she doesn’t want to. She still needs to give her consent to fulfill a request.
Buuut some kinks aren’t very obvious at all. There are things that some people like that don’t seem arousing in the slightest. Some guys are very turned on by feet or watching girls smoke or a few other things that we don’t need to talk about lol.
I have no interest in analyzing someone’s fetish. I do know that it’s just how someone is wired. I know that people have their “thing” and that’s really all I want to know. It is what it is.
And a side note: some people have a kink that although it makes them very stimulated they don’t like having it as a kink. If that makes sense.
There are a lot of kinks out there and just when I think I’ve heard all of them I am unwillingly introduced to a new one.
Humiliation is a BIG kink for a lot of people. I don’t really know why. Again, I don’t wish to know why.
I get a lot of messages/DMs/emails/what have you. Some men tell me what they would like me to do them and they usually fall into the kinkiness sort. They want me to tie them up or walk on them or spit on them or whatever. I am obviously not going to do any of that. Logistically these requests make no sense. I mean, this person lives on the other side of the planet. Do they think I am going to pack my stilettos and hop on a plane so I can let them lick my feet?
Although I don’t spend any time trying to figure out why someone is wired the way they are, sometimes I, well, I get it. Like I get why someone is aroused by a girl in leather. Leather is sexy AF, as they say. But humiliation? Mm, not so much.
I don’t know why some men like being treated like garbage but I DO know that I don’t want to know why.
I also know that being dominated is very appealing to some. Being ordered to do something and the like. And that’s fine. Again, that scenario needs every participant to be willing.
Buuut sometimes someone can get pulled into someone else’s kink without knowing. And without their consent.
After a great deal of hesitation and reluctance, I set up an Amazon Wishlist. It took some time to overcome the guilt I always feel when someone gives me a gift or even does something nice for me. Accepting a present from my wife is hard enough as it is… a complete stranger? Goodness.
For a long time I resisted doing this. So, what changed? I tried to look at this in a different way. I LIKE giving gifts. I LIKE doing things for people. It’s super fun. After a few years of people asking to do something for Hannah I realized that they likely feel the same joy that I do when I do something nice for someone.
So I bit the bullet and felt incredibly shallow and superficial and guilty and a few other nasty emotions. Like, who am I to ask for things? Could I be any more arrogant?
With an enormous amount of hubris I shared the link on Twitter. Annnnd over the last few weeks I’ve been given a very cute dress, stockings, and other items.
And goodness that guilt came in hard and fast. I don’t always process emotions well when it comes to gratitude and I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I mean, I feel my life is amazing and more than I deserve. I feel what I have, not only in what is in my closet but also with the people that I know, are more than I could have dreamed of.
I like words and I feel I write somewhat decently but I just can’t find a way to say thank you in a sufficient way to someone who does something nice for me. I ask people why they bought me something and they tell me that they just wanted to do something nice for me… either out of admiration or gratitude.
And of course, people admiring me or being grateful to me opens up a completely new box of guilt.
Posting the wish list has also opened up the world of findomme to me.
What is findomme? According to UrbanDictionary it is defined as a Woman who practices Financial Domination. Not to be confused with a sex-worker, this Person receives cash from a money slave because they both enjoy the fetish Financial Domination. The two may never meet in real life.
So! Very fetishy and and very sexual. Not my cup of tea at all.
Sharing the wish list has been… misinterpreted by some. I’ve had people wanting to buy me something (and once I’ve gotten over the guilt) I’ll share the link. Sometimes they respond with verbiage along the lines of being… hm, aroused at the idea of me ordering them to buy me a pair of stilettos.
Annnnd that’s when I shut them down. I am not ordering or commanding a complete stranger to do anything.
I mean, if someone wants to buy me something that’s one thing. But if that person is turned on by it? Ah…. no.
Look. I get that there are fetishes which I don’t understand and I get that some people like the idea of serving someone and are turned on by it, but like any kink, it requires the willing participation of everyone involved.
And to be clear, I am not shaming anyone. If you practice findomme, wonderful. If you are aroused by buying someone something, again, I am not kinkshaming you. Promise.
But I don’t want a complete stranger to buy me something if they are imagining themselves as a slave or that I am “commanding” them to do so. I get that this dynamic is out there but that dynamic requires both people to be onboard.
I am not going to demand a complete stranger to drop hundreds of dollars on a dress for me. The guilt I would feel would be overwhelming. I feel that I would be exploiting someone’s kink.
Besides, I am realizing that I would be horrible at findomme. I can be pretty bitchy at times but I don’t feel I AM a bitch. Some man asked me to share my wishlist and I did. I told him that if he did indeed buy something off of it to please tell me so I could thank him.
He responded that thanking him “ruins” it for him. I guess he gets aroused by doing something nice for someone and being ignored? Again, being treated like garbage is hot for some.
He didn’t buy me anything and since I realized that this was a kink for him I was glad he didn’t. I don’t want to receive a gift if doing that is erotic to them. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I suppose the point to all this is just when I feel I have a somewhat decent grasp on life I get introduced (in this case unwillingly) to a whole new kink. I am flawed at many things and it was kind of funny to realize I am also bad at findomme. If you buy me something I WILL thank you. Sorry?
6 thoughts on “In Which I Learn I am Bad at Financial Domination”
I follow various YouTubers (an eclectic set) including do it yourselfers, old aircraft historians, vehicle recovery and a geologists lectures. Some of them monetize by selling items or offering discount links. All pretty good. A few receive and acknowledge unsolicited gifts. I have never been motivated to send a gift, although I have contributed through Patreon to support channels that i like. People like to feel like they are contributing, and it gives one a sense of being a part of something larger than themselves…and thats ok.
But financial domination is something else. I appreciate your discomfort with being a fin-dom. Kink aside, some of these individuals may be driven by compulsion to make gifts they cannot afford and in doing so put themselves and their families in financial jeopardy. And if they reallly, really want to give, the Red Cross would accept donations for earthquake relief in Turkey.
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I fully get you Hannah. In my profession, I get gifts, small, maybe a $25 gift card. But I would rather not recieve a gift for just doing my job. Like you, I fell guilty when I recieve one. I “accept” them because I don’t want to be rude or insult the giver. And I do thank them.
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Hannah, Seems like you are tiptoeing across the precipice of a particularly slippery slope with this “Wishlist” thing. Why’s do it at all? I know that you do not work in an extremely lucrative profession, but I don’t get the sense that you are “in need.” Why start down the road of having any reader give you stuff for any reason? Why not simply mention charities that you support if someone wants to honor a cause that is important to you. I encourage you to rethink this. Nancy
Hi! I am fortunate to have the life I have. I did this with great reluctance, hesitation, and guilt. The reason I did this was touched on the post itself. Some people just want to do nice things, I suppose. I’ve been asked for years to do something like this and in the past I’ve always asked people to donate to PFLAG or other organizations. Perhaps I should add a section on my site for charities and organizations I support.
Hannah, Of course it is your blog and your life and you are free to do as you wish. Please know that I respect you and I largely support the opinions you express and choices you make. I do not doubt that you thought carefully about this decision. When we receive gifts from a loved one, we acknowledge those gifts as an affirmation of that person’s love for us. You have no way of knowing the meaning of these anonymous gifts to the “giver,” but we both know they are not expressions of love. The dangerous aspect, it seems to me, is accepting gifts from strangers without knowing what the meaning of the gift-giving is to them. Also, simply having a “Wish-list” posted on your blog invites the implication that you “expect” or wish for gifts, just as a “tip jar” on the counter at the coffee shop implies an expectation of a tip. I’m simply clarifying what I meant by “slippery slope.” Warmly, Nancy
Oh, I hope they are not expressions of love. I would be very uncomfortable if someone gave a gift because they loved me. I also hope it’s clear that I do not expect anything. I appreciate your perspective!