Every year, as the end of spring begins to flirt with the first breath of summer, you see beauty everywhere. The blossoming of flowers, the bluest sky imaginable and breathtaking sunsets.
This time of year you see girls getting ready for prom or to be in a wedding. This season stirs up the desire to be beautiful, the intense pangs of jealousy. When I was in high school I would see my female friends at a formal dance and couldn’t decide if I wanted to in love with them or if I wanted to look like them. It was an intense…awakening, a turning point in my life. Ultimately I would choose both.
This longing to pick out a beautiful gown, to find the perfect heels and to have an amazing makeover doesn’t ever go away. It’s always there…but it’s never stronger or louder than right now. I didn’t go to prom when I was a senior, but I wanted to. I was dating a girl but we broke up a few weeks before the dance. We had planned to go, and I lived vicariously through her as she recounted her experiences of shopping for the gown she ultimately would not wear. If I was honest with myself, I wanted to go to prom as a girl. I wanted to spend weeks looking for a dress, the shoes and accessories. I wanted the makeup and hair appointment, I wanted the photos, the going out to dinner at an upscale restaurant, the limo…everything. I didn’t even want to go with someone, it would have been enough to just go, to be my own date.
When my high school days passed I had hopes of being a bridesmaid. I wanted to experience going dress shopping with other girls, trying on countless gowns…just thinking about it makes me smile.
I am lucky to have experienced so many moments as Hannah, but it also hits me on occasion knowing that there are so many things that I likely never will. I’ve had many makeovers, many photographs taken, and I have a beautiful wardrobe. But being the most beautiful girl at a gala, in the room, the center of a dance floor, or a wedding photograph feels impossible.
I think you all know what I feel.