I may not have the most exciting life in the world, but I really do love it. I may not be able to go out en femme as often as I like, but I always make time for Hannah and can look forward to stepping out at least once a month. When my male life becomes boring, or stressful or… whatever, I always have Hannah’s next adventure planned and can look forward to that.
But of course, everything has changed. One of the most stressful parts to all of this is the uncertainty of when things will start going back to normal. It doesn’t sound like it will be anytime soon.
To others outside of our community, they are likely baffled as to why many of us are dreaming of the next time when we are able to slip on a pair of five inch heels, pay $65 for a makeover and just wander through a mall or a museum. But if you are reading this, I am guessing you are dreaming of this too.
My wife knows I am getting stressed. I miss Hannah, I miss going out, I am scared of everything going on, I am wondering when things will go back to how they were.
Please know that I realize this sounds shallow. I am not looking forward to this time passing just so I can go out, I want this virus under control, I want schools to reopen, I want to be able to go out to dinner (in both of my genders), and I want everyone to feel better. I want our nurses and doctors to stop working 30 hour days.
When your life is upended and routine goes out the window, you realize how much your life means to you. When my wife and I were talking the other day about how this was impacting Hannah, I realized it was a little bit of everything. It was everything from not being able to get my eyebrows done, holding off on buying that dress in case that money would be better used for something else if this impacts my job, and of course, not going out en femme. Sure, I could, and I do, dress at home, but it’s not the same.
Although there are parts of my life that are on hold for the moment, there are still smaller moments I can look forward to. I go to bed each night in a nightie, I put on panties each morning, I can wear leggings and a femme t-shirt at home. As much as we want to dress head to heels and hit the town, we know that a cute bra and panty can soothe us a little.
These days I am realizing how lucky I am to have even this. I am reminded how important and significant my gender identity is to me, and why I need to acknowledge who I am. I see how suppressing this side of me can impact me. At the same time, I am thinking about YOU. I am thinking about anyone reading this blog who knows what I am talking about, who knows the yearning and stress the lack of gender expression can have on someone. I am thinking of those who don’t even have slipping on a pair of panties to look forward to.
As stressed and bichy as I am these days, I know that eventually things will change. But for those who aren’t out, and for those who can’t be, I am realizing that you must feel like this all the time. And to be honest, that must be hell. If I am having a terrible week, but I am planning on going out on Saturday, I have that to look forward to. It’s not easy, but I can look forward to going out once all of this has passed, whenever that will be.
But for those of us who can’t acknowledge who you are, for those of us who are in denial, for those of us who are conflicted, for those of us who are afraid of who you are and are of scared of what you want…. I’m sorry. I have nothing but compassion and sympathy for you.
Take care of yourself.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
This was beautiful! Thank you Hannah! ❤️❤️❤️
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You are very blessed to have a wife that embraces Hannah. Maybe this could be the best, or worst, time to introduce my wife to Haley.
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Thank you-yes a bra, panty, hose, and a woman’s tee can help staying inside; but as you stated, it is not the same.
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On the positive side, there does seem to be an increased number of Hannah writings. These are always interesting.
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Thank you Hannah that’s is well spoken in these times we face although I am full time trans I miss lunch with friends and all the other enjoyments we all take for granted. Stay safe
Rhonda
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My wife and I too needed a break from the quarantine. Even though wife adores me as ‘Velma’, (Read March 11, Femulate.org), I decided to get more stylish for the trip. The only hitch was Wife wanted to get ‘more stylish’ too, and that was not really an issue, as we do shop together!
A dose of the ‘pink fog’ real world edition, was indeed in order.
The only problem, was aside from grocery, there is little to do. So off to the Aldi, which is 15 miles away.
After the grocery run, I did notice the Harbor Freight was open. I usually shy away from ‘bastions of maleness’ while enfemme, but part of this role is to ‘push my Velma-self’ into new frontiers, and I was treated well without incident or issue during my purchase of epoxy putty. I got no notice what so ever from the other customers.
With nothing more to do, it was time to return to the hinterlands….
In retrospect, I hope we did nothing inadvertent to find ourselves with a dose of the virus. I guess we will know in a few days….
Velma
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I really miss meeting with the group. It makes me think back to the last event you held that was in February. My memories of being there with my MN T-Girl sisters mean so much more now that the events are in short supply these days. It was just so much fun! The bond I’ve developed in the past year with these sweet, kind, funny, smart and interesting ladies is unique and means a lot to me including you Hannah. You were born to lead. Anyone who is in the MN T-Girls and has not gone to an event and is thinking about it… I say do it. Last March I put my hand on the door knob of my apt. scared out my mind en femme and turned it. Stepped outside and have never felt so alive! I met my sisters playing drag queen bingo! So. Worth. It. Until I go out again I have my many lipsticks and dresses at least. Wigs are incredibly fun too!
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Velma-
Congrats on the Harbor Freight. I have done that, and Home Depot dressed nicely. I have also done my gun club, dressed sportingly with a gray skirt, silky blouse, and flats. No one cares. (Of course if they did, I am armed. 🙂 JK)
Only once have I ever had a problem, and that was at a Goodwill store, when a clerk was upset I was trying on women’s clothing.
It really, absolutely, amazingly helps to have a supportive partner. Spouse in my case, of 44 years. So I am so glad for you that you have such a person in your life.
As Hannah wrote, I feel so bad for the people who feel they can’t, or the trade off is too dear, or that they have tried and have been shut down. It’s really sad, and I wish better for them.
Hugs,
Adeline Jay
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Not sure you know this or not, but one of my favorite songs by the group Dawes is called “A Little Bit of Everything”. If you haven’t heard it, I suggest giving a listen.
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I love that song, and most of my blog posts have titles that are a reference to something pop culture-y.
Love, Hannah
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Im so glad to have found your website – its such a beacon of light to me (and I’m sure, many other) wannabe ladies who are trapped not only by their male boddies but also indoors by this cruel virus in these dark times
Thank you
Carys xx
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