I may not have the most exciting life in the world, but I really do love it. I may not be able to go out en femme as often as I like, but I always make time for Hannah and can look forward to stepping out at least once a month. When my male life becomes boring, or stressful or… whatever, I always have Hannah’s next adventure planned and can look forward to that.
But of course, everything has changed. One of the most stressful parts to all of this is the uncertainty of when things will start going back to normal. It doesn’t sound like it will be anytime soon.
To others outside of our community, they are likely baffled as to why many of us are dreaming of the next time when we are able to slip on a pair of five inch heels, pay $65 for a makeover and just wander through a mall or a museum. But if you are reading this, I am guessing you are dreaming of this too.
My wife knows I am getting stressed. I miss Hannah, I miss going out, I am scared of everything going on, I am wondering when things will go back to how they were.
Please know that I realize this sounds shallow. I am not looking forward to this time passing just so I can go out, I want this virus under control, I want schools to reopen, I want to be able to go out to dinner (in both of my genders), and I want everyone to feel better. I want our nurses and doctors to stop working 30 hour days.
When your life is upended and routine goes out the window, you realize how much your life means to you. When my wife and I were talking the other day about how this was impacting Hannah, I realized it was a little bit of everything. It was everything from not being able to get my eyebrows done, holding off on buying that dress in case that money would be better used for something else if this impacts my job, and of course, not going out en femme. Sure, I could, and I do, dress at home, but it’s not the same.
Although there are parts of my life that are on hold for the moment, there are still smaller moments I can look forward to. I go to bed each night in a nightie, I put on panties each morning, I can wear leggings and a femme t-shirt at home. As much as we want to dress head to heels and hit the town, we know that a cute bra and panty can soothe us a little.
These days I am realizing how lucky I am to have even this. I am reminded how important and significant my gender identity is to me, and why I need to acknowledge who I am. I see how suppressing this side of me can impact me. At the same time, I am thinking about YOU. I am thinking about anyone reading this blog who knows what I am talking about, who knows the yearning and stress the lack of gender expression can have on someone. I am thinking of those who don’t even have slipping on a pair of panties to look forward to.
As stressed and bichy as I am these days, I know that eventually things will change. But for those who aren’t out, and for those who can’t be, I am realizing that you must feel like this all the time. And to be honest, that must be hell. If I am having a terrible week, but I am planning on going out on Saturday, I have that to look forward to. It’s not easy, but I can look forward to going out once all of this has passed, whenever that will be.
But for those of us who can’t acknowledge who you are, for those of us who are in denial, for those of us who are conflicted, for those of us who are afraid of who you are and are of scared of what you want…. I’m sorry. I have nothing but compassion and sympathy for you.
Take care of yourself.