Two Worlds

I used to think I was two different people.

I know that sounds like the introduction to a book about someone who experiences multiple personalities, but it’s nothing as serious.

I have two very different wardrobes, two groups of friends, and so on.  I see and experience the world through two different perspectives.  I interacted and viewed life differently depending on my gender presentation.  It was easy to think I was two people, so to speak.

But over time I realized that I was one person but I viewed and interacted with the world differently depending on my gender presentation at the moment.  The perspective changed when I changed from sneakers to stilettos. The perspective changes changes because it needs to.

It’s a form of survival, in a way.

When I walk through the mall in boy mode, I never ever think about how someone will view me or what I will do if  see someone I know.  But en femme my heavily eyeshadowed eyes are always looking around.  Is there someone near me that is looking at me in an unfriendly way?  Is that a coworker across the hallway?  Although these two examples are very different from each other, they both are related for survival.  Of course I don’t want to be hurt, and I also do not want to be outed.

It happens less as time passes, but for years I would approach ever interaction, whether with a cashier or someone I passed by in a museum, thinking about how this person was going to respond to seeing or helping a t-girl.  99% of the time it was about as eventful as watching nail polish dry, thankfully.

I am not two people.  Despite two gender identities, two names, and two worlds, I am one.  Our experiences are influenced by what we project.  We will likely have a better day if we are cheerful and friendly to everyone we meet.  A bad day will not get better if we are rude or crabby with the world.  We respond to the world, and the world responds to us.  This shapes our perspective, our experiences.

Our lives.

Love, Hannah

4 thoughts on “Two Worlds

  1. Hannah-Yes I know; I am not as passable as you, but I can pass. The most difficult problem I have is with the two genders is remembering to use my female voice while in my female mode. How is your voice while you are Hannah? Have you worked on your female voice or is your voice neutral. Have you had voice lessons for Hannah?

    Bobi

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  2. Hannah, this is thought provoking. I pondered the same, sort of in a different way. Was (am) I providing an “excuse” to my masculinity that I compromised his reputation by going girl? There is a fine line between the insecurity of letting go of a bit of that long grown habit and identity and feeling that one falls from masculinity to femininity. The latter, I do not think, and do not want to harbor. I would by all means avoid the complications unnecessary for my and my loved one’s well being. Apart from that, what keeps me from being who I am when I want is the fear of physical harm by others. You are always insightful. Thank you.l

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  3. Great post Hannah!

    I’ve never bought into that “two different people” mentality, though my femme self has some big social differences from my male self. But for all of the differences between the two, there’s way more commonalities; we both love Weather, we both love craft beer, we both love the same types of food, movies, etc… I’ve come to think of the two as just two different expressions of the same person.

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