So…. I know this is all going to sound shallow. I know this. I own this.
I also want to stress that I am not fishing for compliments or reassurance. This is not some veiled post about wanting to be told I am cute or anything.
I try to be content. I try to stay in that perfect and balanced spot of confidence, self-love, and humbleness. But some days I swing madly to the extremes. There are days where I feel so confident that I think I could… oh, I don’t know, expand my modeling or actually find a publisher for my book or any number of ambitious dreams.
There are days when I feel so… hopeless that I want to hide under a rock and stop trying.
It’s not dysphoria. It’s something a little different, something a little more soul-crushing.
Before I go further I want to mention that it is unhealthy and not wise to compare ourselves to anyone else. Especially if you’re a girl like me.
But sometimes I just can’t help it.
I look at my wife and I wish I could be as cute as she is. But I can usually get past this and I remind myself that I am, from a binary level and a chromosome level, that I am considered genetically male. Evolution has given me the body I have.
And I am thankful for it. I am strong and healthy. I am grateful for what I can do and what I have. I am also happy being bi-gender. I like presenting as male. I like my male life. I have no desire or need to live full-time as either gender. Why pick one?
Yesterday through the rabbit-hole that social media can often be, I came across a girl like me. And my god, she was absolutely gorgeous. She was so… perfect in her presentation, makeup, and… everything that it almost hurt. My jealousy was at a level I haven’t felt since the first time I saw (and every time I see) Heidi Phox.
And yes, the girl I am referring is very much a girl like me. As far as I can tell she isn’t on hormones or had any work done.
She was so flawless that I couldn’t stop scrolling through her videos and photos. She was so flawless that I wanted to bury my phone and makeup and never go online ever again.
I don’t know know why this girl affected me in the way she did. Maybe the pandemic, the stress of the election, the aftermath of a particularly hectic summer at work was adding up. I see cute t-girls all the time, but yesterday was rough.
I feel a little better today, but not much. After I finish posting this I am going to start getting ready. I have a makeover in a few hours and then meeting Shannonlee for some photos and then I have the monthly MN T-Girls outing.
A day en femme is usually the cure for anytime I feel kinda blah. But I am not sure how today will go, truthfully. After my makeover I will either look at my reflection and feel amazing and tell myself that I was overreacting and being silly, or my reflection will tell me to go home, wash off my lipstick and go back to bed.
I know this sounds extreme (and again, shallow) but it’s been that kind of week.
Stay tuned. 🙂