So…. I know this is all going to sound shallow. I know this. I own this.
I also want to stress that I am not fishing for compliments or reassurance. This is not some veiled post about wanting to be told I am cute or anything.
I try to be content. I try to stay in that perfect and balanced spot of confidence, self-love, and humbleness. But some days I swing madly to the extremes. There are days where I feel so confident that I think I could… oh, I don’t know, expand my modeling or actually find a publisher for my book or any number of ambitious dreams.
There are days when I feel so… hopeless that I want to hide under a rock and stop trying.
It’s not dysphoria. It’s something a little different, something a little more soul-crushing.
Before I go further I want to mention that it is unhealthy and not wise to compare ourselves to anyone else. Especially if you’re a girl like me.
But sometimes I just can’t help it.
I look at my wife and I wish I could be as cute as she is. But I can usually get past this and I remind myself that I am, from a binary level and a chromosome level, that I am considered genetically male. Evolution has given me the body I have.
And I am thankful for it. I am strong and healthy. I am grateful for what I can do and what I have. I am also happy being bi-gender. I like presenting as male. I like my male life. I have no desire or need to live full-time as either gender. Why pick one?
Yesterday through the rabbit-hole that social media can often be, I came across a girl like me. And my god, she was absolutely gorgeous. She was so… perfect in her presentation, makeup, and… everything that it almost hurt. My jealousy was at a level I haven’t felt since the first time I saw (and every time I see) Heidi Phox.
And yes, the girl I am referring is very much a girl like me. As far as I can tell she isn’t on hormones or had any work done.
She was so flawless that I couldn’t stop scrolling through her videos and photos. She was so flawless that I wanted to bury my phone and makeup and never go online ever again.
I don’t know know why this girl affected me in the way she did. Maybe the pandemic, the stress of the election, the aftermath of a particularly hectic summer at work was adding up. I see cute t-girls all the time, but yesterday was rough.
I feel a little better today, but not much. After I finish posting this I am going to start getting ready. I have a makeover in a few hours and then meeting Shannonlee for some photos and then I have the monthly MN T-Girls outing.
A day en femme is usually the cure for anytime I feel kinda blah. But I am not sure how today will go, truthfully. After my makeover I will either look at my reflection and feel amazing and tell myself that I was overreacting and being silly, or my reflection will tell me to go home, wash off my lipstick and go back to bed.
I know this sounds extreme (and again, shallow) but it’s been that kind of week.
Stay tuned. 🙂
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Hello Hannah,
I feel like giving up thoughts of being female when I look at you! Like they say, it’s all relative. So, are you going to share with us who this spectacular t-girl is?
Jerri-Michelle
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Welcome to womanhood!!! I bet if you ask your wife, she will tell you the same thing happens to her. You and Heidi are both beautiful. Grading beauty is almost impossible. Two women can both be extremely beautiful yet look nothing like each other. I am not sure how you compare them.
In fact I have done had this same thing with you. I will never look as pretty as you. I also sometimes get jealous of your life. You seem to have a far more freedom to dress than I.
Yet I love reading your stories, I love looking at your pictures and you seem like a sweet lady. You truly are inspiration and I hope I have the opportunity to meet you someday.
I hope you tell Heidi. I am sure she goes through self doubt like all of us. I am sure i will be a huge compliment coming from someone as beautiful as you.
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It is excellent, admirable, and so enriching within our community that you share this perception, feeling, as it is, I am totally sure, a widely shared feeling among us. This happens to me often. Scrolling through the photos on the internet there are a great many fabulous looking T girls. There are, mercifully, also a great many who look, well, not fabulous. I see many photos in which the T girl looks absolutely delighted to be wearing the new dress, the new skirt, the new shoes, but from a visual fashion aesthetic sort of view they look, well, not really fabulous. So, most of us fall in between fabulous and …..not fabulous. Like you I am glad for what I have in terms of size, shape, and health, but gee, it would be nice to have ……..We keep rolling…….We keep enjoying the good things that we create by allowing this side of ourselves to have an expression, a real expression of a real human attribute. Sharing your thoughts and experiences as you do, year after year in you superb blog, makes a difference to me, to many. Keep rolling and have a great day out!
Marissa in Ohio
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Being caught between where and what you are, and where and what you potentially could be, is a terrible conflict.
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Hanna. I wouldn’t let it bother you. Life is way to short to let things bother you. I just appreciate everyday that I am healthy & happy, happy for that my family is safe.
Just be happy for you….
Love, Natasha
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Sorry to hear you had this experience. That… pull into the depths is horrible and it can – as you say – take a little while to come back from.
FWIW, I don’t visit places online where the young and beautifully passable post photos. Please don’t take that the wrong way 😁♥️ Yes, I am completely happy for them and I’ve no jealously. I know that by going there – as you did on Instagram – that feelings of comparison will creep in. A bit like flicking through a magazine where everyone is fitter, buffer, prettier, younger, etc.
I hope that your time out will help settle you and that you realise you’re valid, awesome, and classy.
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I also have those dark moments and then realize how lucky and blessed I am to have an accepting AND loving wife and great friends …..both TG and non TG.
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No question T-girls will always try and compare themselves to one another or think wow can I ever look that good.
I know I use to but these days I just figure if I’m going out I’m just going to be me.
Somebody else can decide if they think I look good,
As long as I’m happy and don’t look to much like a guy in a dress then I’m good
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I love your blog, and I appreciate the time you put into it. You said yesterday was tough, so let’s talk tough. According to Heidi’s blog, her wife is going through chemo for advanced breast cancer. Her wife also suffers from kidney stones. To make things worse, Heidi’s daughter came down with Covid. Her daughter got through that ok, but her wife has some tough times ahead. I’m not making this up, check out her blog, Heidi keeps us updated with a great attitude.
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I haven’t been keeping up to date on Heidi’s blog, so I wasn’t aware of the scary things her family is experiencing. Thank you for bringing this to my attention not only so I can keep my feelings in perspective (they are even more shallow now) but so I can keep her family in my thoughts.
Love, Hannah
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From where I stand, I admire both of you. I have followed Heidi’s posts for several years but only recently, through Your En femme posts, I started looking at your blog. Both of you provide beautiful examples of femininity for others to emulate, but what I admire most, is that your wives give you love and support.
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Hanna
You have to love everyday. Cherish each and everyday. Love the ones who love you. Everyday I wake up. I am so happy. Thinking its going to be another wonderful day. I dont judge others. I live each day for ME. No one elses. I love people. I, myself as male me or as Natasha ME make friends with everyone I meet. If they don’t like me. I really don’t care. But it doesn’t happen that often.
My father was a health happy person. Everyone who knew him thought he was just a great human being. He fell ill just out of the blue one day. He passed away just 3 days later. It hit everyone who knew him. My mother still cries for him. Its been 14 years… So you never know what kind of day you’ll be dealt. So live and cherish each day. I do… Love Natasha.
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Unless we are 20 years old there there will always be someone younger and more pretty than we are. Just do the best you can, have fun and don’t worry about it.
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I think I look pretty good in femme mode. Even so Heidi has that same effect on me every time. The first video I saw of her I was waiting for the trans person. Then I realized the person I was watching WAS the transwoman! I can’t even go to her blog anymore. I struggle too much with the jealousy. Of course I hope everything turns out ok for her family. However the beauty she has… Unbelievable.
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Thank you for having the honesty and bravery to post these feelings. I absolutely share them. I definitely have days where I do my best to look as fem as possible, then think “What’s the point?” when I see others look so much better than me.
I don’t think it’s possible to just ignore those feelings. I think, no matter how lovely and accepting everyone is (and they are, including my partner), there are times when I feel like my femininity is merely borrowed. Sometimes it even feels like trespassing.
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