Telltale Signs

So, I have a boss. My boss also has a boss. He in turn also has a boss. This would be my Great Grandpa Boss, I suppose.

In the almost six years I have been with the college where I work, I have never, ever spoken to Great Grandpa Boss (GGB).

Until a couple of weeks ago.

Each week my team has a Zoom meeting with another team and most of the time GGB pops in and he usually just listens but on rare occasions he will offer his thoughts. He’s a smart guy and I don’t want to portray him as out of touch but sometimes when a manager or whatever is that far up the leadership ladder they are not always aware of the challenges people in other roles face.

My school has made some… questionable financial decisions in the last few years and the cyclical nature of college enrollment sometimes makes it difficult to accurately predict how the upcoming year will shake out. This year is like that. Colleges are expensive to maintain and colleges, and, at least in the United States, can be expensive to attend. Declining enrollment, influenced by things outside of our control, usually leads to financial problems.

I don’t think my college will be closing anytime soon or ever, but last week, for the first time I’ve been with the school, they laid off five to ten percent of the staff. Considering that, alongside declining enrollment, and the aforementioned questionable financial decisions, it makes things a little… twitchy.

During a recent Zoom meeting GGB did something he’s never done before. He asked the team for their thoughts on “the current situation”. Predictably, crickets. I mean, who wants to risk saying anything that could come across as criticism?

Apparently I do.

After a few moments of tense silence that could be cut with a stiletto, I offered my thoughts. Mind you, I didn’t mention the business decisions he made but after twenty years in education it’s easy to see patterns in education and the ups and downs of college enrollment. Although there are things outside of our control, certain factors, such as employment statistics, are usually a telltale sign when it comes to college enrollment.

What I mean is that if the unemployment rate is high, colleges see an increase in people going back to school to learn new skills and to be more marketable. The opposite of this is true. If you have been paying attention, declining college enrollment shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.

Essentially, this could have been predicted and the current environment could have been planned for. MAYBE we shouldn’t have made the business decisions we did and spent the millions we did when anyone with a passing familiarity with patterns would have seen the current environment coming. I mean, aren’t industry trends and history important when it comes to planning for the future?

I know I overthink but none of this is, in my opinion, is overthinking. It’s simply paying attention. I am not freaking out because I saw this coming.

Anyway, back to the meeting.

I carefully offered my thoughts. I slowly chose my words. I avoided any phrasing that sounded like criticism. I stuck to the facts, metrics, statistics, and what history has shown us. I was nervous the whole time and kept telling myself to stooooooooooop. Eventually I did.

As I was babbling away, I looked at my boss in the little square to gauge his reaction. I mean, it’s kinda risky when your employee is engaging with your boss’ boss. I was afraid I was crossing a line but considering he wasn’t gritting his teeth with a wide-eyed stare I took that as a good sign.

The call ended, and I waited for my boss to call me. His boss tends to overreact and calls him the moment anything happens. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he yelled at my boss for my comments, not necessarily for what I said, but for simply engaging with his boss and offering anything less than a perspective that everything is awesome.

But that call never came so I chalked it up as maybe I didn’t do anything wrong.

Morbid curiosity and paranoia got the best of me so a few days later I asked my boss if I committed a faux pas or career suicide. He assured me that I was fine but he did say that he was stifling a laugh the whole time because he could tell from my facial expressions that I was holding back. That I was painfully being polite. That I was struggling to choose the right words and phrasing.

I laughed and I said he was probably right. I likely was doing these things, even subconsciously. Just as history and trends can be telltale signs, I also have them.

The other day my wife and I had a similar conversation about my facial expressions. I am not mysterious, I am not subtle, I don’t have a poker face. Even if I am not saying a word it’s easy to decipher what I am thinking or feeling.

By now you HAVE to be wondering what on earth ANY of this has to do with a website that focuses on gender identity. If you are, that’s okay, because I am starting to wonder about that as well.

Not long ago I did a lingerie photo shoot. I received the final pictures about three weeks ago and besides tweeting a shot here and there, I haven’t shared them. Normally I am alllll over posting new pictures but I am just not enthusiastic about these.

My lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with Shannonlee’s photography or the beautiful studio or the gorgeous lingerie. It has everything to do with ME. I mean, I am the constant in these shots, right? The lingerie might be cute, the angle of the photo might be perfect, the light streaming into the studio might be breathtaking, but at the end of the day it’s a photo with me in it.

I am consciously smiling more during these shoots. I mean, why wouldn’t I? I love these things. I have also finally accepted that I can’t really pull off a come-hither look so, I may as well smile. But there were two things that were on my mind that day. I was having car issues and I was worried if my Kia would make the 13 mile journey to the mechanic. The other was the undeniable fact that I have gained weight.

I can fake a smile during these shoots. No problem. But it’s not realllly faking a smile. I love shoots and I love working with Shannonlee so they’re a lot of fun. When I start hearing the click of her camera it means that it’s showtime. I shift my mindset and smile away.

However, this shoot was a little different. Shannonlee was using a different camera which didn’t have the friendly click signaling that she was taking photos. Without this auditory cue I was never sure if she was taking photos or looking through the camera lens and deciding if the shot looked good or not. What I mean is that I was mostly lost in my thoughts and my facial expressions, my body language, was reflecting what I was thinking about.

In addition to thinking about my car (and the potential expenses and the risk of breaking down on the freeway in four inch stilettos), I was thinking about my body. Which is easy to do when you’re wearing nothing but a bra and panty and you’re surrounded by mirrors. I lost quite a bit of weight about ten years ago and it’s been creeping back. I still work out, I still avoid sweets, and I don’t drink alcohol or soda, so there’s not an obvious reason for this. I mean, I am aging and my body is also aging and slowing down, particularly my metabolism.

I met with my doctor very recently and we are exploring if something is wrong with my thyroid which impacts metabolism. My anti-depressant also has a side effect of weight gain. I was prescribed something new that I am hoping my insurance will approve.

I am thankful for my body but I suppose I can’t shake off feeling discouraged that all the work I did to lose weight and to keep it off is coming undone.

Because of these two consuming thoughts, I simply wasn’t in the right headspace for a shoot. And because I never really knew if Shannonlee was taking a photo I wasn’t always flashing a smile for the camera when it was time to. In a way, this shoot shows me at my most human. You can see the pictures and just know that something is on my mind. Worry, regret, discouragement, disappointment, reluctant acceptance…

In many ways I don’t like these photos. But in other ways, I think it’s interesting to have moments of introspection and emotion captured. I think the lingerie, although sexy, adds to a feeling of vulnerability. This is a normal emotion when you’re almost nude.

The photo below is me staring into a mirror. I remember a feeling of resigned reality that my body has changed and my lack of clothing can’t hide my curves and love handles. It was a very introspective moment that I didn’t know Shannonlee had captured.

Of course, the shoot wasn’t all doom and gloom. It’s always fun to shoot with Shannonlee and when I knew she was taking pictures I did my best to flash a smile. I was feeling a little bold and we stepped onto the roof and I climbed up the fire escape in stilettos for a few pictures.

I used to keep a journal when I was younger and I wrote almost every day. Looking back through them I am glad I did this. Remembering moments and thoughts and emotions and experiences that have been lost to time is really interesting to me. To have that chronicle of your life. Although I don’t journal anymore, I feel that this website, these photos, show a journey. My perspective shifts, my body changes, my confidence ebbs and flows… I suppose in a few years (or hours) I will think that this post is rather foolish and self-pitying.

These photos, although not all of them are my favorite, mark a day in my life when I wore my heart on my sleeve.

…when I wasn’t even wearing sleeves, but you know what I mean.

Love, Hannah

P.S. Instead of the normal posting of each outfit that I wear in a shoot over several posts, I just updated the photo page with pictures from the day.