Dress Me Up! Dress Me Down!

I will never, ever, understand some of the kinks and fetishes people have. And that’s okay. I don’t need to, and I don’t want to. Wear that latex, pay someone to spank you, be a furry. You do you. I am not here to judge why some people are so turned on by gloves, dressing up as animal, or being humiliated.

Understanding things is overrated, anyway. I have been who I am all my life and I still don’t understand why I am who I am. I understand WHO I am, but not WHY. There is no why, probably.

Blogger Dan Savage recently explained the difference between a kink and a fetish, and I feel it would be important to lay out what they mean:

The natural follow-up question: What’s the difference between a kink and a fetish then? While people often use those terms interchangeably, KINKY, they mean different things. Dr. Justin Lehmiller recently unpacked the difference on Sex & Psychology: “Kink is a very broad concept that encompasses pretty much any form of sexual expression that falls outside of the mainstream. This includes the eroticization of intense sensations (such as mixing pleasure and pain), playing with power differentials, deriving pleasure from inanimate objects, role playing, and more… [whereas] fetishes involve heightened attraction to certain objects (like boots and shoes) and/or body parts beyond the genitals (like feet and armpits).”

So, all fetishes are kinks but not all kinks are fetishes.

Some of us do what we do because it is a kink, and that’s okay. I think I have made it very clear that there is not a sexual reason I am who I am. I may feel sexy wearing a certain dress, a certain stiletto, or lingerie. I may wear something because I want to feel sexy, but I am not aroused by it.

I don’t try to understand, nor pretend to understand why someone has a certain fetish or kink. I don’t expect to understand why we wear what we wear.

However! I think I understand forced feminization perfectly.

Obviously when we forced to do something it’s because we don’t want to do it. In a sexual or a kink sense, one may seek out being forced to do something because it’s what we want. One pays to have a dominatrix tie them up. When you think about it, you are paying them to do something you don’t want them to do, or pretend you don’t want them to.

Of course, there can be a thrill of not being in control, to be restrained, to do something against one’s will. Again, I am not trying to explain or understand one’s kink. It’s just how someone is wired.

Forced feminization is a little different. If our partners, if a dominatrix, or whoever “forces” someone to wear panties or whatever, it removes that control from us. “Oh, I don’t WANT to wear a bra, but she MADE me.” All of a sudden we’re dressed up and it’s okay because you were forced to do it, not because you wanted to wear that dress.

But let’s be honest, when we are “forced” to do something kinky or sexual, it’s because we really really really want to do it.

There can be a lot of overlap between our gender identity and what turns us on. When I am dressed up, I am not… this may be TMI, but I am not turned on.

And! As long as I am thinking about TMI, please reconsider what you put in an email to me. I do understand how this side of us can start as a fetish or a kink, I really do, but I really really really do not want to hear, or need to hear what you do sexually, or want to do sexually, when you are dressed up. There’s nothing like catching up on my email in the morning and reading about how someone likes to wear stockings and… uh, explore their body.

I never liked the idea of forced feminization. I don’t like the idea of not being in control of what I wear. If I am en femme, if I am wearing lingerie or leggings or a skirt it’s because I want to.

However, this is where some of us start. We repress, we deny, we ignore this side of us but we want it to come out. Sometimes this (ugh) journey starts with a push. For some, our partners forcing us to dress up or wear something opens the door to who we are and how we want to live our lives and what we wear.

I get a lot of traffic from the search term “forced feminization” or a version of it. And that’s fine. No judgement. But if you’re reading this it’s okay to wear what you want, to take control of your wardrobe.

Love, Hannah

6 thoughts on “Dress Me Up! Dress Me Down!

  1. I’ve discussed the forced feminization or forced sex change fantasy with several transgender people. I’m not a clinical psychologist or anything, so my opinion holds as much weight as a balloon full of helium.
    My theory about the forced feminization or forced sex change fantasies among transgender people is that it’s a coping mechanism. By fantasizing about someone forcing us to be or do the things we really feel a need for, we escape the reality of the shame and rejection that others might cast upon us if we actually do these things. Many of us fear what others will say or do if we actually act upon our needs, so we fantasize about situations where we aren’t responsible for it and someone else can bear all the negative consequences.
    Now that I am well into transition and comfortable with presenting as female, I look back on those fantasies and can see them for what they really were: a psychological coping mechanism to escape into because I felt like I couldn’t be “me”.

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  2. Katie, you’ve nailed it. There was a time when I used to read those kind of stories, and I recognize the reasons you mention. For me, there was a turnover point. Once I accepted being somewhere in the transgender spectrum, I did not need that coping mechanism anymore.

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  3. I really like it Hannah, that you are sharing your views and challenging not only society at large, but also we ourselves who are as clueless as yourself as to why we are bent the way we are. Keep up the dialogue. If nothing else, it may lead to insight and self knowledge which generally is a good thing.

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  4. I heard another reason for forced feminization. These persons don’t want to be the responsible party in the transformation to fight off the guilt they feel.

    Myself I have thought about it some and for the humiliation aspects have been humiliated most of their life’s and they may see it as a way that they can receive attention, which otherwise they may not.

    I personally, believe there is no one reason or cause for this sort of sexual phenomenon.

    PS – I think there are any kinks, they are natural aspects of our sexuality. Fetish should only be used in a medical sense where this manner of thought and behavior has intruded in living their lives. If you enjoy getting off on feet, and you go to work, it is not interfering with your relationships. That is the same with addiction. One may be a heavy drinker or drug user, but be able to live the life without interference from such use, it is not considered an addiction. Of course, it could change into it at some point in time.

    PSS – I am a member of a “kink” community, and have found a lot of support and some love there. A lot of it I don’t participate in. Just the stuff I like. And any boundary crossing results in a blocking.

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  5. Thinking out loud I wonder how much of the “forced feminization” could be a partner who knows the truth and is trying to coax their partner out of their fear and be themselves.

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