Let’s Talk About Kinks

Any sort of physical contact has to be consensual. Hugs, kissing, ANYTHING. The same thing goes with hardcore kinky sex.

How’s THAT for a transition?

Anyway, before we get started, just a reminder that a fetish and a kink are not the same thing.

A lot of kinks require the willing participation of another person. If you have a humiliation kink, then you need someone to ridicule you. If you have a bondage kink, you need someone to tie you up. And… well, I could go on but I think you get the point.

Crossdressing could absolutely be considered a kink and/or a fetish.

A fetish is an OBJECT that one connects to arousal. For example, if you are turned on by wearing panties, then lingerie itself is a fetish. A kink is an ACTION. If the ACT of dressing in “girl clothes” arouses you, then crossdressing is a kink.

It can be both, but it isn’t always.

Please note that I am specifically using the word ‘arouses’. Wearing girl clothes and presenting en femme calms me, makes me feel happy, confident, and beautiful, but does not arouse me.

Makes sense? Okay good.

I get a lot of emails about, guess what! crossdressing. These emails range from being called an abomination against God to gratitude to questions to compliments to criticism to requesting advice.

Some emails are people coming out to me. Not anyone I know in real life (as far as I know), but messages along the lines of “I have been wearing panties for ten years but I’ve never said anything to anyone. You are the first person I’ve ever told.”

These messages are actually really wonderful to get. It’s one thing to accept yourself, it’s another to embrace yourself.

Some messages will expand on their gender identity or wardrobe preferences. It’s not uncommon for these thoughts to detour into tooooooo much information territory and sometimes sexual content is disclosed. Aaaaaand this is when I usually stop reading. I really, really don’t want to hear about what you, um, do when you are wearing lingerie or anything else.

It’s one thing to say “crossdressing turns me on”. It’s another to say “I like to put on my prettiest panties and then I ______________________________________.”

You get the idea. I’ve heard it all. Or at least I hope I have.

For some, there’s a bit of an overlap between crossdressing and a humiliation kink. I don’t really *get* the connection between being degraded and arousal but I don’t need to. I don’t want to either so please don’t feel the need to explain it to me.

Please know I am not kinkshaming. As long as your interests don’t hurt someone then well, you do you. People are wired certain ways and there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be aroused. There’s also nothing wrong with sex. Sex is wonderful.

But unless you’re alone, sex has to be consensual on EVERY level. If a kink involves the participation of someone else, this person HAS to be aware of their participation AND they HAVE to be willing.

In addition to the types of emails I wrote about earlier, I also get emails from men wanting me to “train” them when it comes to crossdressing.

I totally get wanting guidance and needing advice. God knows we’ve all been there. We’ve all watched makeup tutorials, posted on message boards asking about where to find heels that fit, and so on.

To be clear, I don’t do any sort of crossdressing “training” or offer any sort of classes. These might be helpful (and profitable to me, lol) but I can’t imagine ever doing anything of the sort. I tend to focus on the more psychological and emotional and practical side of presenting en femme as opposed to the… ah, mechanics of it. What I means is that there are tons of videos about contouring your face and how to adhere breast forms but I usually write about the relationship and mental aspects of gender identity.

Although some of these messages are likely innocent requests from people looking for help when it comes to dressing and doing their makeup, many of these training requests seem to be sexual in nature. This is when I am inclined to think that the writer has a crossdressing/humiliation kink. Of course, I could be wrong. But I don’t think I am.

These emails tend to be from men who want me to dress them up in sissy clothes and to call them very degrading words. To “force” them to wear pink panties. To humiliate them. To have sex with men.

As you can imagine, I don’t like these emails. I usually don’t respond to them.

I don’t want to participate, on any level. And yes, responding to them CAN be participating. Maybe they WANT me to call them perverted or sick or whatever. Maybe they WANT to be turned down. In some cases I am being directly ASKED to call them names. This is when I feel I am an unwilling participant in someone’s kink.

To be clear, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to wear sissy clothes or pink panties. God knows I have frilly and lacey clothes in my closet and my panties ARE pink today but I don’t think that wearing femme clothes is humiliating.

I get that others DO, but it’s not my thing. Again, I don’t need to or want to understand anyone else’s fetish. I typically don’t respond to overtly sexual emails (of any kind) because I don’t want to… well, encourage? the conversations. And for the most part, most senders are getting the message by me not responding to them. And I appreciate that. There is this one guy though who emails me DAILY asking that I call them after their wife goes to bed and “train” them to be a sissy. I am not going to do this. Stop contacting me.

I am a LITTLE surprised about the sexual messages I get. I do write about lingerie (and post photos like the one at the top of this post) and I do write (rarely) about sex, but I really don’t think my website is sexual and I don’t think I portray *this* as fetishistic or kinky. There are plenty of t-girls and crossdressers who DO (and again, no judgement at all, promise) have websites and a social media presence that are sexual in nature, but that’s not who I am.

Crossdressing, wearing a dress or panties or leather, might be kinky to you, but you need to understand that it might not be a kink for someone else. Don’t assume it is.

Love, Hannah

10 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Kinks

  1. I admit I have had some kinks related to dressing certain ways
    But eventually my wearing my ladies clothes was more that it was just who I was, a trans girl who just like cute clothes
    I still have a few kinks but being a T girl isn’t one of them


  2. I enjoyed listening to The Kinks back in the day – particularly their song, “Lola”. If you do not remember it, it is on youtube. (It is on youtube even if you do remember it.)


  3. As I read this post, I thought back to an earlier phase in my life, a time when I would have characterized my desire to cross dress as a kink. With the benefit of hindsight, I realize that my partner and were comfortable with cross dressing as a kink, rather than the more threatening expression of gender variance. A kink was OK. Being ….whatever term was used in the 70s…was not.

    I’ve come to realize that accepting the kink label was at the time a safe way to gain permission and participation from my partner. I was absolutely hoping my partner would encourage and maybe even expand the level of crossdressing under the guise of a kink. In retrospect, sexualizing the experience was a way to avoid taking personal responsibility for wanting to dress as a woman.


  4. Hannah – just a few quick points. First, there may have been a time that I would get aroused from dressing, but that was when I was a teen (and frankly could get aroused by almost anything 😉). Like you, I now dress for the calming effects and just the happiness I experience. I too get posts and messages with things I don’t care to know about or see, but I just delete them – it takes all kinds. Finally, I sometimes end up on a post where the “girl” is also showing her privates – but I really only pay attention to their makeup and hair, giving little thought or attention to that other stuff. 😊


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