It’s my birthday!
I turn 45 today and I think I don’t look toooooo bad for my age, lol.
I used to think I would be depressed the older I got. I thought I would regret not embracing who I am at an earlier age. I see girls like me in their ’20s and I see how amazing they look and the adventures they have, and although I get jealous from time to time, I know me. Success, in it’s many forms, changes people. I feel successful, I feel lucky, blessed, and fortunate to have the life I have. I feel confident, and bold, and brave.
I know that with age comes experience, and if we’re lucky we learn from that experience. As I get older I am more thoughtful and more careful with my decisions. And that’s a good thing. Whether it was the impetuous nature of my youth, lack of life experience, or the pink fog (or my drinking), if I was who I was 20 years ago I think I would have made decisions that were not fully thought out. Please know that I am not equating youth or a younger generation with brashness and naivety. I am only speaking of myself.
Coming out to someone changes everything in the world that you share with them. It changes the dynamic between the two of you, it requires a new level of trust, and you are asking for this person to share your secret. It changes the dynamic of the people you are already out to, as well. My wife and I share my secret life. She is just as nervous about this side of me being found out from certain people as I am. Were I to come out to someone else it will change my relationship with that person, but it also will impact my wife’s relationship with that same person. As such, I have not come out to anyone in a very long time.
Coming out is exhausting and I don’t feel like having “the talk” with anyone very often. I wish this side of us wasn’t as complicated as others in our lives make it out to be but I don’t see that changing anytime soon or ever. This is not to say that I don’t want to be out to anyone else, but when I think of all the work and the potential…. weirdness that will exist between them and myself the appeal wears off quickly.
As I get older, my conversations in all of my relationships become better. I think longer before I speak, I try not to respond to an email immediately, and I am simply more thoughtful and choose my words more carefully. This benefits everyone that I know, from coworkers to family members to my friends to my wife.
But it also protects Hannah’s life as well. We all know someone in our lives that we do not want to find out about “her”, if you know what I mean. The more people we are out to the harder it is to contain our secret, if we want it to be a secret. I mean, we don’t WANT it to be a secret, but many of us need it to be. Being more thoughtful and cautious has prevented me in more than one moment from coming out to someone without thinking it through. I’ve had conversations with friends or coworkers who have expressed support for the transcommunity or mentioned something about makeup and I’ve held back from responding with a potential bombshell.
Although I don’t care about what people at the mall think about me, and I believe that most of my friends would be supportive (or at least not disown me) I do care about my relationships with them. I don’t want to lose my friends, and I don’t want to find out that despite thinking otherwise, that perhaps the T in the LGBTQ+ community is not something they are supportive of.
I am also becoming more humble and grateful as time goes by. If I was doing what I am doing now when I was in my ’20’s I would be unbearable. I am thankful for my followers and for everyone who reads my website (except the guys who want me to sissyfy them) and I am fortunate to be able to feed my ego a little by modeling, but had I had this life and influence (so to speak) when I was younger, cockier and more insecure I would be obnoxious. Experience has taught me humility. My falls from grace have taught me virtue.
I am who I am meant to. I created the life that I have when I was ready for it and I was mature enough to handle “the fame”, if you will. That’s not to say I think of myself as a celebrity or as anyone famous, but I am aware that people read what I write and I don’t let it get to my head. I don’t take what I do lightly and I don’t take it for granted.
It’s not been the easiest year but I still have hope for the best and I hope you do too.