Birthday Reflections

It’s my birthday!
I turn 45 today and I think I don’t look toooooo bad for my age, lol.


I used to think I would be depressed the older I got.  I thought I would regret not embracing who I am at an earlier age.  I see girls like me in their ’20s and I see how amazing they look and the adventures they have, and although I get jealous from time to time, I know me.  Success, in it’s many forms, changes people.  I feel successful, I feel lucky, blessed, and fortunate to have the life I have.  I feel confident, and bold, and brave.  


BUT!


I know that with age comes experience, and if we’re lucky we learn from that experience.  As I get older I am more thoughtful and more careful with my decisions.  And that’s a good thing.  Whether it was the impetuous nature of my youth, lack of life experience, or the pink fog (or my drinking), if I was who I was 20 years ago I think I would have made decisions that were not fully thought out.  Please know that I am not equating youth or a younger generation with brashness and naivety.  I am only speaking of myself.


Coming out to someone changes everything in the world that you share with them.  It changes the dynamic between the two of you, it requires a new level of trust, and you are asking for this person to share your secret.  It changes the dynamic of the people you are already out to, as well.  My wife and I share my secret life.  She is just as nervous about this side of me being found out from certain people as I am.  Were I to come out to someone else it will change my relationship with that person, but it also will impact my wife’s relationship with that same person.  As such, I have not come out to anyone in a very long time.  


Coming out is exhausting and I don’t feel like having “the talk” with anyone very often.  I wish this side of us wasn’t as complicated as others in our lives make it out to be but I don’t see that changing anytime soon or ever.  This is not to say that I don’t want to be out to anyone else, but when I think of all the work and the potential…. weirdness that will exist between them and myself the appeal wears off quickly.  


As I get older, my conversations in all of my relationships become better.  I think longer before I speak, I try not to respond to an email immediately, and I am simply more thoughtful and choose my words more carefully.  This benefits everyone that I know, from coworkers to family members to my friends to my wife.


But it also protects Hannah’s life as well.  We all know someone in our lives that we do not want to find out about “her”, if you know what I mean.  The more people we are out to the harder it is to contain our secret, if we want it to be a secret.  I mean, we don’t WANT it to be a secret, but many of us need it to be.  Being more thoughtful and cautious has prevented me in more than one moment from coming out to someone without thinking it through.  I’ve had conversations with friends or coworkers who have expressed support for the transcommunity or mentioned something about makeup and I’ve held back from responding with a potential bombshell.  


Although I don’t care about what people at the mall think about me, and I believe that most of my friends would be supportive (or at least not disown me) I do care about my relationships with them.  I don’t want to lose my friends, and I don’t want to find out that despite thinking otherwise, that perhaps the T in the LGBTQ+ community is not something they are supportive of.  


I am also becoming more humble and grateful as time goes by.  If I was doing what I am doing now when I was in my ’20’s I would be unbearable.  I am thankful for my followers and for everyone who reads my website (except the guys who want me to sissyfy them) and I am fortunate to be able to feed my ego a little by modeling, but had I had this life and influence (so to speak) when I was younger, cockier and more insecure I would be obnoxious.  Experience has taught me humility.  My falls from grace have taught me virtue.  


I am who I am meant to.  I created the life that I have when I was ready for it and I was mature enough to handle “the fame”, if you will.  That’s not to say I think of myself as a celebrity or as anyone famous, but I am aware that people read what I write and I don’t let it get to my head.  I don’t take what I do lightly and I don’t take it for granted.


It’s not been the easiest year but I still have hope for the best and I hope you do too.


Love, Hannah    

23 thoughts on “Birthday Reflections

  1. It is all so exhausting. Life would be so much easier if we could only all be who we are without secrets and hiding.

    I love growing older. After 50, life became so much better. I am less concerned about people finding out my secret, those that have are great and I keep moving closer and closer to the life I want.

    I cant wait for my sixties.

    Like

  2. Happy Birthday to you, you look absolutely beautiful, yes as years go by and we get older we learn to know more and more on how to dress up and all that. learning different things and how to do repairs and getting better at it.i have learned on my own how to apply eye shadow and i get better each time. foundation and cover up well that is still a learning process. but for dressing up and having matching nylons and make up, i have learned how to match colors and look pretty, but not passable where i can go out in public. my wife knows of my desire to dress up and lets me but will not help with make up or sit in same room as her when dressed up. well have a great Birthday

    Like

  3. Happy birthday, Hannah! I once thought that I would get old some day. Perhaps I will, but it has not happened so far in the 70 years I have been around. I do not intend to let that happen, either.

    Like

  4. Age does certainly change perspectives, but now at my age almost 60 I’ve learned that I am who I am and I’m trying to just be happy with that
    You look great Hannah, Happy birthday

    Like

  5. With age comes wisdom, and it sounds like you have become wise with how you see yourself and how you share your world with others. Sounds, too, like you have more self-confidence. I hope this day finds you with great contentment. Happy birthday to you, Hannah.

    Like

  6. George Bernard Shaw said that youth was wasted on the young.
    I know of no other way to gain wisdom except by ageing. That is the way life works.
    But Hannah you are looking wonderful, no matter what age you are.
    The secret is to die young….. but as delayed as possible!
    Happy Birthday.
    Geraldine

    Like

  7. Happy Birthday
    The greatest present is one that our wife supports us. Mine did for 15 years and now she does not so I can not be me at age of 69.
    You always look beautiful.
    Take care.
    Kristine

    Like

  8. Hannah,

    First, I hope that you had a Fabulous Birthday!

    And yes, age changes us, but also how the world sees us. When I started going out in public in my mid to late 20’s, the blending in was with a group that was largely fresh and natural. It was hard to try to look like that. But now in my 60’s, I’m not in a group that is largely looking for a partner, but just to be comfortable. At least in general terms. The “competition” isn’t competing so to speak. It makes for a much more comfortable experience being out. And there is some of what others have mentioned – less concern about who may find out. Do I wish I had embraced this side of myself as much back then as I do now? Not really. It’s fun to think about at times and wonder what might have happened. Then I think about the life I’ve had, and I’m happy with the way it has gone. As I make the turn later in life to transition, I am doing it with that comfort and a confidence that I didn’t have in my 20’s.

    Keep coming on out to the deeper end of age pool, the waters fine. 🙂

    Hugs,
    Evelyn

    Like

  9. Wishing you a very happy birthday Hannah. May god bless you with god health, wealth, prosperity and love. Have a wonderful day ahead. Stay strong. More power to you. Lots of love~dreamsprinkles

    Like

  10. Happy birthday,lovely and pretty Hanna.Many many kisses. Î£Ï„άλθηκε από την Αλληλογραφία για Windows 10 Î‘πό: Hannah McKnightΑποστολή: Δευτέρα, 16 Νοεμβρίου 2020 4:02 μμΠρος: johnepikouros@gmail.comΘέμα: [New post] Birthday Reflections Hannah posted: " It’s my birthday!I turn 45 today and I think I don’t look toooooo bad for my age, lol. I used to think I would be depressed the older I got.  I thought I would regret not embracing who I am at an earlier age.  I see girls like me in their ’20s and"

    Like

  11. Hanna🌹

    Happy Birthday hun….🎂🎈🎈🎁
    👙👗💄👠💅👜

    Wishing all your dreams come true….😊

    Hugs
    Natasha💋

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s