Birthday Reflections

It’s my birthday!
I turn 45 today and I think I don’t look toooooo bad for my age, lol.


I used to think I would be depressed the older I got.  I thought I would regret not embracing who I am at an earlier age.  I see girls like me in their ’20s and I see how amazing they look and the adventures they have, and although I get jealous from time to time, I know me.  Success, in it’s many forms, changes people.  I feel successful, I feel lucky, blessed, and fortunate to have the life I have.  I feel confident, and bold, and brave.  


BUT!


I know that with age comes experience, and if we’re lucky we learn from that experience.  As I get older I am more thoughtful and more careful with my decisions.  And that’s a good thing.  Whether it was the impetuous nature of my youth, lack of life experience, or the pink fog (or my drinking), if I was who I was 20 years ago I think I would have made decisions that were not fully thought out.  Please know that I am not equating youth or a younger generation with brashness and naivety.  I am only speaking of myself.


Coming out to someone changes everything in the world that you share with them.  It changes the dynamic between the two of you, it requires a new level of trust, and you are asking for this person to share your secret.  It changes the dynamic of the people you are already out to, as well.  My wife and I share my secret life.  She is just as nervous about this side of me being found out from certain people as I am.  Were I to come out to someone else it will change my relationship with that person, but it also will impact my wife’s relationship with that same person.  As such, I have not come out to anyone in a very long time.  


Coming out is exhausting and I don’t feel like having “the talk” with anyone very often.  I wish this side of us wasn’t as complicated as others in our lives make it out to be but I don’t see that changing anytime soon or ever.  This is not to say that I don’t want to be out to anyone else, but when I think of all the work and the potential…. weirdness that will exist between them and myself the appeal wears off quickly.  


As I get older, my conversations in all of my relationships become better.  I think longer before I speak, I try not to respond to an email immediately, and I am simply more thoughtful and choose my words more carefully.  This benefits everyone that I know, from coworkers to family members to my friends to my wife.


But it also protects Hannah’s life as well.  We all know someone in our lives that we do not want to find out about “her”, if you know what I mean.  The more people we are out to the harder it is to contain our secret, if we want it to be a secret.  I mean, we don’t WANT it to be a secret, but many of us need it to be.  Being more thoughtful and cautious has prevented me in more than one moment from coming out to someone without thinking it through.  I’ve had conversations with friends or coworkers who have expressed support for the transcommunity or mentioned something about makeup and I’ve held back from responding with a potential bombshell.  


Although I don’t care about what people at the mall think about me, and I believe that most of my friends would be supportive (or at least not disown me) I do care about my relationships with them.  I don’t want to lose my friends, and I don’t want to find out that despite thinking otherwise, that perhaps the T in the LGBTQ+ community is not something they are supportive of.  


I am also becoming more humble and grateful as time goes by.  If I was doing what I am doing now when I was in my ’20’s I would be unbearable.  I am thankful for my followers and for everyone who reads my website (except the guys who want me to sissyfy them) and I am fortunate to be able to feed my ego a little by modeling, but had I had this life and influence (so to speak) when I was younger, cockier and more insecure I would be obnoxious.  Experience has taught me humility.  My falls from grace have taught me virtue.  


I am who I am meant to.  I created the life that I have when I was ready for it and I was mature enough to handle “the fame”, if you will.  That’s not to say I think of myself as a celebrity or as anyone famous, but I am aware that people read what I write and I don’t let it get to my head.  I don’t take what I do lightly and I don’t take it for granted.


It’s not been the easiest year but I still have hope for the best and I hope you do too.


Love, Hannah    

Looking Photabulous!

This month the MN T-Girls celebrate our 7th anniversary and we marked the occasion with our annual photo shoot. This was our…fifth? shoot as a group and like the previous shoots it was a day of beauty, smiles, and camera clicks.

The photo shoots are limited to a number of participants so it’s usually our smallest event of the year. Like in past years Shannonlee was there to help us smile and pose as she captured our beautiful selves. This shoot was at Fox Box Studios in NE Minneapolis.

I can’t wait to see the final pictures but until then I hope you enjoy these behind the scenes shots.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

Hi Hannah, Is it all possible to fight the urge to crossdress? I have never crossdressed fully but I have always had the desire and it seems the urge gets stronger. Is there any way to fight it?

I don’t think there is such a thing as “crossdressing fully”.  You’re either wearing something (nail polish, panties, makeup) that society typically considers “for girls” or you’re not.  As I type this I am wearing a boy t-shirt, femme leggings, a femme cardigan, and panties (if that isn’t too much information).  Am I crossdressing now?  Absolutely.  I woke up in a nightgown.  Was I crossdressing while I slept?  Absolutely.  This weekend I have a makeover scheduled and I am excited to wear my new wig and one of my new outfits.  Will I be crossdressing then?  Absolutely.  


As for fighting the urge to crossdress, well, I suppose it’s possible.  It never was possible for me.  You can deny and ignore this part of you, but you will never stop wanting to crossdress.  This is not a phase, this is not something you will outgrow.  


But the question I have for you is why would you want to fight it?  Why deny a part of who you are?  Panties, dresses, lingerie, makeup… everything is absolutely wonderful.  Clothes are how I express one of my gender identities, but even if it wasn’t, I would still wear lingerie and leggings and nightgowns and…the list goes on.  “Girl clothes” are amazing.  


There is nothing wrong with crossdressing.There is nothing wrong with who you are.
Yes, society and many people think it’s weird or whatever, but who cares?  I think it’s weird when dudes spend all day in a boat in the middle of the lake trying to catch a fish.  same with wandering around a golf course and trying to whack a little white ball.  But if it makes them happy, who am I to judge?  You can’t suppress this part of you because some people think it’s not normal.  I don’t know and I don’t care what other people think of me, no matter what I am doing or wearing, in either of my genders.


Fighting and denying this part of you can be dangerous.  Some people turn to drinking to escape the stressful parts of their life, whether it is their job or their gender identity.  It’s not healthy to be at war with yourself.  Life is hard enough as it is.  You don’t need you to make it any more challenging.  I don’t want to say that it’s pointless to fight this urge, but it’s… kind of pointless to fight this urge.  It won’t go away, it will always be there, and there’s nothing wrong with this side of you.  I don’t even think it’s an urge.  This is who you are.  This is who we are.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Dressed Like a Daydream

Of course, fantasy plays a very significant part in all of THIS.  It always has.


Growing up I would dream about wearing pretty dresses.  I attended Catholic school and every single day I wanted to wear the cute plaid blue jumper and pretty black shoes.  This didn’t change in high school as I saw girls wearing so many styles and outfits.  Ninth grade was my first significant exposure to seeing girls my age wear outfits that ranged from casual to head-turning looks.  Yes, I saw what a cute girl was wearing, but I also saw what she was wearing, if you follow me.  Yes, she looked cute in that dress, but OMG how cute was the dress itself?  I was in love with the options girls had, from a summer dress to short skirts paired with Doc Martins to leggings with a simple t-shirt.  I was so, so jealous.  Of course I thought the cheerleaders were cute, but there was something more.  I dreamed about wearing the short pleated skirt.  Formal dances were the best, though.  Yes, the girls looked amazing, but again, there was something else.  I imagined how much fun it would be to wear a beautiful gown.  It almost hurt how badly I wanted to have the day she had preparing for the dance.  I wanted to look and feel as beautiful as her.


When I was in my early 20’s this world opened up even further.  I worked in an office and I saw my colleagues wear business clothes.  What a girl could wear to a meeting was just as cute as what she could wear to a dance.  Similar to wanting to wear that plaid jumper when I was in grade school I daydreamed about wearing black heels, a pencil skirt, a white blouse, and a jacket as I put on my necktie every morning. 

My friends would start getting married and weddings were almost torturous as I watched the girls in their dresses, whether the girl was a bridesmaid or a guest.  And don’t get me started on fantasizing about being the bride.  I thought about every part of her day.  From selecting her lingerie to the dress to the heels to her makeup…    


If my website has a… mission, I suppose, it’s that I want to be honest and realistic about this side of us.  Much of what I write is based on my experiences and how I handled any disappointment, frustration, or dysphoria.  I cannot tell you how crushing it was the very first time I tried on a wig.  I thought it would transform me into a supermodel.  It didn’t.  I felt uglier than ever before.  It would be a few years until I could see my potential.  Putting on a cheap wig is a lot different than selecting a quality one.  Wearing a wig in boy mode is much different than putting one on after carefully doing your makeup and wearing a cute outfit.  There’s no question that being en femme takes a lot of work and much of it is mental.  We all will feel dysphoria and hopeless, and getting over that may require us getting better at makeup (if that’s what you feel you need to do), but modifying our thinking plays a part of it too.  Shifting from “trying to pass” to embracing and celebrating how you look is HUGE.  It’s the most important part about this side of us.  


This side of us isn’t always princess gowns and French Maid uniforms.  Feeling comfortable, confident, and beautiful has much to do with what I wear.  Yes, I would feel cute in a schoolgirl uniform, but not while wandering around a mall.  My wardrobe changed over the years as I moved to cuter, everyday looks.  I suppose practical is the best word for it.  
However.


I still fantasize about the same things that I daydreamed about while I was growing up.  I saw my sisters play princesses and I wanted to do that too.  Even now I fantasize about wearing a beautiful pink gown and a tiara.  My girlfriend in my senior year talked about how she prepared for a formal dance and how she shopped for the perfect heels, the perfect dress, how long it took for her to get her makeup and hair done… I hung on every word.  Wedding season stirs up a longing to go shopping with other girls for a beautiful dress, getting my nails done, and feeling beautiful for a wedding.  I could go on and on.  Despite the clothes in my closet and what I have done, I could name a dozen things I still fantasize about.  I want to fly pretty, I want to spend an entire day from waking up to going to sleep en femme.  I want to do a lingerie photo shoot.  Have a princess tea party.  Wear a corseted dress at the Renaissance Fair. Strut down the catwalk.  Play tennis in a short, pleated skirt.  Sit by a pool in a bathing suit.  Be a bridesmaid.  The homecoming queen.  


I have done more than I ever thought possible.  My life is amazing.  If I never do more than what I have done than I will always be able to look back on a wonderful, fulfilling life.  
We are who we are.  We won’t grow out of this side of us (and I thank God for that).  Who we wear, and what we wanted to wear, when we were younger is still with us.  It always has been and it always will be. 

Love, Hannah

Fighting for your Rights in my Satin Tights

Robert Pattison is going to be Batman in a new movie.  He was asked about playing the character in an interview and he said something that kind of jumped out at me. 
“It’s beautiful, people who seem to live in two states at the same time.”


Of course he was referring to superheroes and their civilian identities, but I couldn’t help but identify with his words.  My gender identities are pretty defined.  I am presenting as one gender or another.  Work boots or stilettos.  Perfect makeup or a five o’clock shadow.  Jeans or a tight skirt.  But even in male mode I am underdressing or wearing leggings or a nightgown at home.  I don’t care (and I expect they do) if people look at Hannah and know she’s trans.  I mean, I am trans.  But I absolutely do not want anyone to see my panties poking out from under the waistline of my jeans in boy mode.


I imagine this is the same for a superhero.  Clark Kent is probably wary of his cape sticking out of his tucked-in shirt.  I don’t want anyone to see my bra straps under my shirt.
Even if I present in one gender or another, I am always who I am.  It’s not like another personality takes over when I am en femme.  I mean, not really.  Hannah is more social (barely) than the boy me.  Hannah is braver and bolder and is used to standing out.  The boy doesn’t want to draw attention.  A cute dress brings out this part of me, pushing me out of my normal everyday comfort zone.  But I am still one person regardless.  


But to put a finer point on it, I am always two people at the same time.  Like Batman, I suppose.  Hannah thinks about an upcoming meeting with his boss, the boy thinks about which dress to wear for her next night out.  Going from one gender presentation to another is not the same as flipping a light switch… it’s more of a dimmer switch that can ease from one appearance to another.  Not exactly a speeding bullet. I wonder if Batman thinks about what he needs at the grocery store when he is stopping a bank robbery.  Probably not, but you know what I mean.


A superhero usually has a secret identity where very few people know that Clark Kent is Superman.  We are not much different.  There are only a handful of people in my life that know Hannah and know the boy.  In fact I can only think of three.  More people than that know about… all of this, but only a few in my boy life have met Hannah.  Hannah having coffee with someone who knows the boy me is a blending of two worlds.  Hannah talks about her boy life, such as his family.  But for the most part, Hannah’s life and the boy life are as separate as they can be.  Hannah has her friends, the boy has his friends.  The boy and Hannah have very, very few mutual friends.  If you know what I mean.  And you do.


I love that Hannah has friends.  I love that Hannah has her own life.  My boy life is equally as wonderful and satisfying.  But sometimes I wish for a little more overlap.  It’s odd and sometimes feels a little deceptive that my best friends of 30 years have no inking that there is another side of me.  I have amazing friends in both of my genders, but sometimes I wish his friends knew her.  If you know what I mean.  And you do.


Every once in a while I think about coming out to a few of his friends.  And perhaps I will, but between the life-changing pandemic and, well, everything else, now is not the time to make any decisions like that.  The genie can’t go back into the bottle, if you know what I mean.  Coming out to someone forever changes our own life but it also will change the life of the person we come out to.  We need to be gentle and considerate of this potential bombshell.  I know that these days it is incredibly easy to feel overwhelmed by everything occurring and I often feel that any new information, any new decision is going to be more than I can handle.  I can’t willingly drop this revelation on my friends who are going through these same experiences.


Having two lives (for all intents and purposes) is a wonderful thing.  Hannah’s life is a refuge from the boy’s stressful (but satisfying) life in the same way it’s nice to kick off my heels after a long (but amazing) day en femme.  I have no desire to choose a gender to live as or present as for the rest of my life.  Transition is not for me. Instead I will continue to live two lives, sometimes at the same time.


And yes, it’s beautiful.  I just wish more people knew that.

Love, Hannah

“The Body Changes…

…the mind does not.”
-Sophia Loren


We don’t change.  We grow, we evolve, we mature, but we don’t change.  Not really.  Not when it comes to this side of us.


When it comes to my gender identity I have been who I am for decades, for my entire life.  We do understand who we are more as time passes, our style grows, we may move beyond underdressing to “real” clothes.  We may identify with different labels, but really, we are the same person that we were when we were kids wanting to wear that pretty dress.


Memory is an interesting thing.  Sometimes I can’t recall how a book ended or a conversation with my boss, but when it comes to significant moments in my (ugh) journey, those memories are as clear as day.  I can recall perfectly the first time I tried on a bra.  The first time in heels, my first wig.  I can remember being in kindergarten and wanting so badly to wear the princess gown in the dress up closet.  I never did wear it, not because I thought it was unusual or wrong to do so, but because I was taught that boys don’t wear dresses.  This is a perfect example of being taught something, but not learning it.  It’s funny and a little sad being five years old and realizing that if I wanted to wear “girl clothes” I needed to do so in secret.


I wasn’t alone in who I was then, and I am not alone now.  There have been and will always be boys like me.  Boys like who I was when I was five grow up to be adults like who I am.  A boy wanting to wear a dress or makeup or heels isn’t going through a phase.  It’s not something they grow out of.  They are learning who they are.  And some of them are showing the world who they are.  Sadly most of them are being told that who they are is wrong.


I have friends who are parents and I have friends who are teachers.  Every once in a while they mention a boy in their class, or in their child’s class who plays dress up.  They shrug, they don’t think it’s a big deal.  Most of my friends are open-minded and supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, so going outside of the cis/hetero norms isn’t unusual for them.  When I listen to them talk about these kids I wonder if they know that I was the same as them.  They will grow up to me someone like me.  But when does it become “weird”?  Kids are just playing, right?  Nope.  Yes, it’s a little atypical to see a boy running around in a dress, but he’s not just pretending.  The perceived innocence is adorable.  But he is not pretending.  That is who he is.  That is who he will grow up to be.


I was that boy.  And now I am who I am.  I always was.

Love, Hannah

Hannah Asks!

Anything in the news lately?  
Kidding!

It’s fascinating and bewildering and encouraging and depressing all at once to watch these historical days play out, but I don’t want to write about you-know-what at the moment.


I think for many of us our femme lives are a place of comfort, security, and happiness.  As someone who identifies as bi-gender, my life is just as separated as my closet.  The boy does all the hard work such as his job and paying bills, but Hannah gets to (or she used to before the pandemic) go shopping, wander around a museum, have dinner with friends, and a million other things the boy is too busy to do.  Hannah is a bit of a refuge, in a way.  Her world and her life is a place to go to when the boy needs a break from stress and responsibilities.  A world of beauty, relaxation, and comfort.


During these unprecedented times  (my god, how many times have you heard THAT phrase over the last eight months?) all of our lives have been impacted and changed forever.  Earlier this year we would discuss when things would go back to normal, but there is no going back.  There probably never was any going back.  Now that so much has happened and so much time as passed the days prior to COVID seem like a lifetime ago.  Instead we will see what the world will be like when we get to the other side of this virus.  I think one of the things that keeps us going is having something to look forward to.  It could be a concert, a family event, a holiday, a vacation, or a movie coming out but of course everything has been turned inside-out and it’s impossible to plan anything more than a few days in advance.  It’s depressing and unsettling.  The things we turned to for comfort and escape aren’t an option anymore.  


So what to do we do?  We adapt.  We evolve.  Evolution is caused by stress, by change.  We grow, we challenge ourselves.  How will our lives and our world be different when “this is all over”, not only as a world but as individuals?  It’s not unreasonable to say that life changed overnight despite the virus and its impact spreading gradually and consuming the entire world, country by country.  I remember a few months ago when things in the United States were escalating.  The first sporting events being cancelled, schools starting to close, infections rising, new cases popping up in different parts of the country…  We were forced to rethink our lives.  We HAD to adapt.   Many of us started to work remote, kids did school online, business changed how they sell everything from food to hand sanitizer.  It was shocking not to be able to go to the store and pick up toilet paper or cleaning supplies.  The normal everyday things weren’t an option.  


Social media thanked the brave nurses and grocery store clerks and all of the essential workers who were helping the rest of the world get through this even if it meant putting their own health and safety at risk.  Sadly this has changed as we have moved on from thanking the cashier at the grocery store to yelling at the clerks when they ask you to please wear a mask.  


What does this have to do with crossdressing, you may ask?


Many of us have two lives and for those who do, we have two worlds that have been impacted by this changed world.  Vacations aren’t an option at the moment, I don’t travel for my job, and I miss going to restaurants.  And yes I know this is all superficial compared to those who have gotten sick, lost loved ones, or have lost their jobs because of this.  I know that.  I am blessed and fortunate.  Hannah’s life has been impacted as well, and again, in very superficial and comparably unimportant ways.  Both of my lives are adapting and learning to live in this new world.  My boy job adapted and I am working differently than I used to.  The things the boy used to do are different but he is more or less okay.  Dining out at a restaurant has changed to take-out, for example.  Again, I know this is small and irrelevant compared to how others have been affected.  I get that.  I promise I do.  


So the boy is more or less okay, but what about her?  Hannah’s life has been impacted in a few significant ways.  Events and outings with the MN T-Girls have changed and it’s harder to plan events that are safe.  Hannah isn’t wandering around a mall anymore looking for a cute dress.  These are things that she looked forward to, things that she did when, usually when his life became stressful and hectic.  Hannah would step in (or strut in) and take over for a bit.  Without Hannah’s comforts, how does she, and all of our femme selves, cope with everything?


Well, I don’t know about you, but clothes are a wonderful source of comfort.   Clothes represent my femme side.  My femme side is my connection to a world that is more beautiful, calmer than the other world.


In both of my genders, I need things to look forward to.  Both of my genders look forward to different things but many of these things aren’t an option at the moment.  But I can look forward to a new dress I ordered online.  I can look forward to waking up and wearing a cute pair of panties.   It’s a way to stay connected to her, even if I am not en femme. 

Underdressing has always been a place of refuge, security, and beauty.  It’s not that I feel anxious in boy mode, but Hannah is calmer than he is.  This is also true when I am in boy mode but wearing leggings and a femme shirt.  Taking a shower and shaving my legs and sliding into bed in a new nightgown is just divine.


It’s true that I miss being able to wear a new dress to something other than my own home (for now, anyway), but the point is that we need to take care of our femme selves.  I do this by giving her something to look forward to.  A new outfit, new lingerie… daydreaming about new adventures when things aren’t as scary and dangerous.  It’s important that even in “normal” times (remember those?) we need to acknowledge and care for both sides of us.  We still need to do that, but we are probably doing this in different ways.  


How do you take care of her when you’re not able to do what you used to do?


Love, Hannah

Uncomfortably Numb

I am going to ignore the crushing anxiety I am feeling about tomorrow’s election, but rest assured it is consuming every moment of my life.  Please know that I am thinking about it, I am feeling it, I am terrified about what may happen as I write about other things that I am thinking about.  Okay, well, maybe not ignore, but you know what I mean.  


Being who we are pushes us out of comfort zone and it’s not unlike being pushed out of an airplane with a parachute praying to God everything works out.  When we first step out of the house (whether it is with shy, trepidation or with the confident strut of… a dominatrix, I guess, we are out of our familiar world and entering into a new part of our lives.  It is a enormous change to go from wandering around a mall that we visit in boy mode to the same mall in heels and a skirt.  All of a sudden we are looking over our shoulders, we are scanning the area for anyone who might know us, keeping alert of anyone who may want to harass us.  We have to do this.  We have to be aware of who is near us, who could harm us. 

Acknowledging our gender identities is also necessary for survival.  We can only keep this side of us suppressed for so long.


After a little (or a lot of) time, we become used to this new world.  We are pushing our boundaries, we are expanding our lives and it is wonderful.  There’s no other way to describe conquering the fear we had for too long and enjoying and experiencing life en femme.  It builds confidence and for me, it inspires me to think about what I could do, or where I could go next.  Ten years ago the thought of Hannah going to a coffee shop was akin to walking to the moon.  These days I think about how amazing it would be to do a photo shoot at an art museum or model lingerie.  


I think many of us marvel a little at how different we are when it comes to how we present.  Hannah compared to me in male mode are pretty different.  Hannah is chattier and more open than the boy is.  The boy tends to be a little more introverted.  The boy doesn’t really have comparable goals to Hannah.  We are miles apart in some regards.  Hannah is more ambitious and confident and, well, a little full of herself if I am being honest.  The boy is a little more down to Earth and happily lives in his little world.  


But Hannah needs to be these things, I think, to do the things she does.  It takes a lot of confidence (among other qualities) to model pretty dresses.  It takes a lot of confidence to write posts like these.  It’s bold to lay my heart on the line, along with all of my inner-most secrets and heart’s desires online.  The boy is more private and reserved, but when Hannah is around, he gets out of the way.


I think a girl like us contributes to the world, even if we don’t mean to or don’t want to.  I believe every time a girl like us leaves the house and goes out into the public we are showing the world that we exist, we are alive, and we are doing boring, mundane things.  We are showing that we are not as scary as certain groups would like the world to believe.  Every t-girl out there that blogs has something to contribute.  Being online allows us to open up more compared to opening up to the people we know in the real world.  We all write a lot about the same things (accepting ourselves, the frustration of finding heels that fit, why society has such a hard time with us), and I believe that these relatable experiences allows girls like us to feel less alone.  We can all identify and relate to the anxiety and fear and joy that this side of us brings.


It makes me incredibly happy to hear that some random thought or experience I write about helps someone.  I’m so glad to hear that, especially because I know how happy I am to find something that I can relate that another t-girl wrote.  I feel I am contributing to our “cause”, so to speak.  You know, our big cause of just wanting to live our lives.  But of all I’ve done, I am most proud of the MN T-Girls.  This month we celebrate our anniversary.  I THINK it’s 8 years (and I am too lazy to look it up) and over the years we have done some pretty amazing things.  Photo shoots, private shopping nights, makeup lessons, going out to dinner, attending plays… it’s been so fun and incredibly rewarding to hear from the girls about how much fun they had or how nervous but excited they were.  It reminds me that although organizing events takes a lot of energy and planning, it is absolutely worth it.  To be honest I enjoy planning events, I like figuring out the logistics and organizing and everything that comes with it.  


There are close to 300 members of the T-Girls these days.  That’s not to say that all members attend every event, but they are all out there and welcome to anything that is planned.  I have met so many t-girls over the years and we are all so different but all relatable.  I have met girls who do all sorts of traditionally masculine jobs in their boy life, people who you would never suspect are likely wearing pink panties under their work jeans or expensive suit.  I love getting to know others.  But these events push me out of my comfort zone, too.  Even though Hannan is less introverted than the boy, Hannah holds her cards pretty close to her breast forms.  She tends to be…. well, maybe not vague, but sometimes won’t answer directly to a question.  I am not trying to be rude, please understand.  If someone asks Hannah where she lives, she will usually answer ‘Saint Paul’ as opposed to something a little more specific.  If you ask Hannah where “he” works, she’ll say in her male life they work in education as opposed to something a little less vague.  


In both of my genders, I tend to be the first to arrive to something and the first to leave.  Of course Hannah needs to be the first to an event that she planned, but once the event is underway she’ll leave after a bit.  Despite almost one hundred MN T-Girls events over the years social situations can easily give me a little anxiety and really drain my energy.  Hannah has a lot more energy, it’s like she is powered by pink and eyeliner, but that energy starts to deplete once an event has started and the planning stages are finished.  I am trying to get used to being a hostess and become more comfortable in this part of my life but it’s not going tooooo well.  It’s an anxious world, to be sure.  Between the pandemic and the election and everything a girl like us experiences, I am exhausted… in both of my genders.  


I am trying to just through EVERYTHING day by day.  Many of the things that would bring my joy and comfort are gone.  When the boy life become too stressful I could get dolled up and spend the day at the mall.  And yes, I could still do that, but wearing a mask and not being able to try on dresses makes this a lot less fun.  Hannah going to dinner used to be a lot of fun, but that’s not a good idea right now.  Seeing friends is so different, too.  It’s depressing knowing that the small creature comforts aren’t really an option these days.  I am doing what I can to avoid plummeting into despair.  And yes, I know that is SO dramatic, but it’s the truth.  My medication helps, but goodness, it’s doing some heavy lifting.  


I want to be more comfortable with social situations than I am.  I want to be as confident and relaxed as I appear to be.  Being en femme IS a comfort zone, chatting with someone at a party (in either gender) takes a lot out of me and I get to a point where I need to leave.  I wish I wasn’t this way, but I am.  I try to ignore the thoughts of needing to leave a party after it’s started but it’s not easy.  Sometimes it is, but I can only ignore that anxiety for so long.  Please know I am enjoying myself and I truly love meeting girls and catching up with her friends, so to the MN T-Girls out there, please don’t take offense to this.  Ask my wife how I am at parties in male more and you’ll see that both of my gender identities are the same in this regard.


I have been trying to maintain my life/lives that I knew before the pandemic.  But that’s not possible.  I can’t pretend that everything isn’t… weird.  What both Hannah and the boy need to do is adapt.  Learn to live in this stupid reality.  This world is not going to go back to normal.  I miss 2015.  Whatever reality this world moves into this week is unknown.  Not knowing what tomorrow, what next month, what the next four years will be like is incredibly nerve-wracking.  I need having things to look forward to, but you can’t plan anything anymore.  What will be open?  Will we be in another lockdown?  Will I get COVID?  Will girls like us become more of a target than we are now?  You think I am being dramatic, but ask the women in your life if they feel they have the same rights and freedom as they used to.  
The awkwardness I feel in social parties has taken over my entire life. 

Every news notification I get on my phone automatically makes me wonder what happened now.  Staying up to date on current events is terrifying.  It’s hard to be optimistic.  


I want all of (gestures around) this to be over.  I want to feel comfortable in this world, at a party.  I want to plan things, to have things to look forward to, and enjoy them.


On a related note, please for the love of God vote Biden.
Love, Hannah