A New You

Really, what more can be said about this year?

On this date in 2019 I was getting ready for a business trip.  I woke up early on the first day of 2020 and I spent New Year’s Day in airports and a hotel.  I thought about what the next twelve months would bring and there was the typical optimism and planning and dreaming about what lay ahead.  I knew there would be frustrations and disappointments and unexpected events, but no one really could have predicted what this year was going to be like.  There are so many things we do now, whether it is wearing a mask while we hope the store has some toilet paper left, video calls with our parents, and staying six feet apart if we have to run errands.  Each of these things would have seemed bizarre 52 weeks ago but this is our reality now.

In some ways it shows how fragile our lives are, and how quickly and how much a life can change.  It also shows how resilient we can be.  It’s not easy but we are clinging and dreaming of a better day.  The vaccine, new leadership, seeing family, resuming our precious little lives.

Optimism and the start of a new year go together like a cute panty and matching bra.

This morning I am thinking about dreams deferred and the hope of tomorrow.  Chances to take, opportunities to seek out, and yes, outfits to wear.  I never said I wasn’t shallow.  🙂  

I bought a dress to wear for the MN T-Girls Halloween party.  It looked like a fairy dress and I thought it would look cute with wings.  As the party approached my enthusiasm for the event started to dwindle.  Weather was getting colder, confirmed COVID cases began to rise, and it was time to face the inevitability of a worsening winter.  The early days of the virus were scary and hard, but soon warmer weather gave us more options.  We could be outside!  We could see a friend (distanced socially, of course) at a park, we could leave our homes.  But the colder weather meant these days were over for the moment.  I didn’t put the effort or energy into my costume that I had planned but I still had a cute dress (and tiara) to wear for the party.  The party was fun but for me there was a gloominess that hung over me.  Many of the girls who came to last year’s party weren’t there because of COVID and I knew that I had to suspend future events for a while.

This dress looked cute online, and to my delight was even cuter in real life.  I loved it, it’s fun to wear (especially with a petticoat to give it that extra floof), and it shows off my legs lol.  It’s a beautiful party dress.  Looking at this dress is a little bittersweet.  This is not a time for parties, not when it’s not safe to gather.  It’s not a time to celebrate when so many people have lost their lives, their family members, their jobs.

November’s MN T-Girls event was the annual photo shoot.  I knew it was likely the last time I would see my friends for a while.  I look forward to all of our events, especially the photo shoot but knowing I wouldn’t see the girls for a while made me sad.  I picked my outfits for the day, and at the last minute I took this dress.  

I thought about how it was a party dress, and I thought about fun it would be to wear for a New Year’s Eve party, a party that wouldn’t be happening this year.  I suppose it was like wearing a gown for a prom I wouldn’t be going to.  As Shannonlee clicked away with her camera, my smile, my posing, my thoughts all seemed to shift a little.  T-Girls have a special relationship with clothes, they are a representation of our gender identity, they symbolize who we are.  Like a t-shirt of a favorite band reminding us of a concert from a long time ago, a dress can bring up memories.  I thought about this dress, I thought about the Halloween party and how it was tinged with sadness for that night.  I thought about wearing it to parties that were not going to happen for a while.  I closed my eyes as Shannonlee took photos and I let these feelings take over.  I thought about the losses from the year, the uncertainty of tomorrow.  I thought about my friends, I thought about the holiday party that wouldn’t happen, I thought about everything.  I stopped posing and just stood there and remained very still until I came out a weird trance-like state.

Goodness this all sounds very supernatural and pretentious, doesn’t it?

I always look forward to getting my photos back and I was particularly curious as to how the photos of this dress would look.  The pictures of this outfit started off fun, but as time passed I could see in the photos how my thoughts and emotions started to took over.   I look at peace.  I wasn’t.

I don’t want to start anything in the comments, but it’s obvious that I think that our current president is a complete disaster.  But as I type this we will have a new president in a few weeks.  I am not saying Biden is a savior or perfect or anything.  He has his faults and again I don’t want to get inundated with messages or whatever.  We have two vaccines.  My job is starting to make plans for a return to normalcy.  This year has been hell but we can see a new day ahead.  

If this year taught me anything it’s that our lives can be upended quickly and in more ways than we can imagine.  We needed to adapt and we did.  We can change how we do things, whether it is how we work, how we support a local business, how we stay in touch with friends.  Time and life is precious and we don’t need to adhere to the rules that we think we have.  Yes, I miss not having a holiday party with friends this year, but why not throw a glamorous party in April?  We don’t need a reason other than we are celebrating being alive, and surviving.  Have a new costume party in June, wear a ballgown to Target.

I am excited to get vaccinated.  I am excited to go out to dinner.  I am excited to leave my mask at home.  I am excited to hug my mom.  I am excited rejoin my lives and have new adventures.  New parties, new outfits, new celebrations, new opportunities.

A new day, a new year.

A new you.

Love, Hannah  

4 thoughts on “A New You

  1. Dear Hannah, I wish you a happy, healthy and much better 2021.
    Your outstanding blog has been one way for me to stay connected with others the trans community in this most difficult of years Thanks for all your thoughts, empathy and encouragement.
    Sue x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Happy New Year Hannah!

    I agree 2020 did suck, but it was not a total loss.

    On the plus side, Lady Fortune favored me by finding your blog and that led to me coming to a much better understanding of who I am.

    Thank you so very much for all you do and have done to help us girls out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful as always.

    Like everyone, I am excited to put COVID behind us and return to normalcy.

    But I will miss the masks a little. I get Ma’am’d more frequently now. That always makes my day.

    Liked by 1 person

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