Painful and Beautiful

We call ourselves different things as we live our lives.  Its not uncommon to identify as a crossdresser only to find that transgender is a better fit.  Or bi-gender.  Or genderqueer.  Or agender.  Or… uh, something else.  At first these are the names we say to ourselves.  We think to ourselves “I am a crossdresser” or wonder “perhaps I am transgender”.  But as we accept and embrace who we are we start to feel the pull of coming out.  We come out to different people for different reasons, and one reason is that we are just exhausted from keeping this side of ourselves to ourselves.  


There is a lot of hesitancy to come out as… well, anything, because we are conditioned and taught that thinking, saying, doing, or wearing ANYTHING even REMOTELY “feminine” is BAD.  We are taught words such as “sissy” before we learn the word “transgender”.  The insult, the bullying, takes roots before anything else.  Is it any wonder we think twice (or 100 times) before we come out?


We identify in different ways at different points in our lives and in our (ugh) journey, but once we start to come out (if we choose to do that at all) we are at risk of being called different things.  Words like pervert, freak, and worse.  These words sting, at the very least.  It hurts even more when these words are used to intentionally hurt us.  Perhaps the most hurtful, fatal thing we can be told when we are en femme is “I can’t even look at you right now”.


How painful that phrase is.  


But we continue to be.  We continue to be who we are, wear what we choose.  The world might think of us as one way, but we don’t let that stop us.


How beautiful is that?


Love, Hannah

9 thoughts on “Painful and Beautiful

  1. Hannah, you are so right. For me, I really hate the thought of being thought of as a *pervert* or *deviant.* I also don’t want to be looked at as a *sissy* either, but even that I would take over being thought of as a pervert or deviant.

    My femininity is beautiful and not deviant.

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  2. I believe that I have accepted myself for what I am, whatever you want to call it. But have I really? I cannot bring myself to tell my kids (actually, my adults) and my grandkids (ages 6 – 19) about this part of me.

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  3. Everybody have afraid of something in life.To be or not to be is always the question.I think we all forgot that we have two gender inside our body.People are very cruel for each other and dont realize wow bad they can be.When we talk about Love we talk about human being and not gender being.Ihope the future brings a modern society more human for everybody.

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  4. It is easy to not care what people think when you are walking down the street or dining or…… It is more difficult with people you care about. I have been outed (than you ex) to my family and hers (after 30 years of marriage – all the time she knew). While no one asked questions on the surface it has not changed my relationship with any of them. That being said, they don’t really want to talk about it either. That is OK with me. In fact, it is actually a relief that they know because it has actually given me more confidence to go out in public. It took some pressure and secrecy off. I am now enjoying myself like never before. It would be nice if I could fully be myself in front of my family but I am fine with the separation. My son that lives with me knows and wants me to be happy, he just doesn’t care to see me dressed and I am OK with that. I have been a male role model and that is what he wants. He is actually accepting of many things so this is a small issue in the grand scheme of things.

    For me, I am happy with me and anyone can call me whatever they want because I really like myself and love my other half (self) and I know my value. If others cannot see that or want to disassociate from me, that is their loss. I can no more change who I am than I can fly so I need to be good with and to myself. It is their loss and I will continue to spend time with people who are understanding and supportive. I hope I can get to a point where I can share more of myself with the family but in their time. Thanks for provoking thought Hannah!

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  5. Hi Hannah! As always you say it spot on. I used to consider myself as a man (long time ago), then a fetichist (seems long ago too), then a crossdresser (well only half ages ago) and now nonbninary (since five years ago) – or something like that. Mainly, I am me. And I like to have feminine shapes and feminish looks, well knowing, that I will never pass as or even try to come close to being a woman. I love your writings! Love Thomas Simone

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  6. Hannah: Are there any planned get-togethers this coming week ?  Also, are there any places in town where TGs meet-up extemporaneously ?  My wife is away this week. Thanks, Sandra

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