Wish List

If we are all on a journey (and that word annoys me less than it used to for some reason) then our journeys are marked by milestones.  


I think we all have pretty common milestones, significant moments and small accomplishments that show our progress.  Some of the standout moments in my life include the first time I wore a bra, the first time I tried on stilettos at a store, the first time I left the house en femme, my first makeover… the list continues.  


Of course, no one HAS to have these moments but I think (depending on where you are on your journey) many of us can recall similar first times.  Do you remember the first time you woke up in a nightgown?  I absolutely do.  


Since so much of my gender identity is tied to clothes I mark much of my journey by what I wear.  I used to wonder if I was transgender because I wore “girl clothes” or if I wore “girl clothes” because I was trans but I’ve decided that I was born this way and I just simply and absolutely love clothes.  I love how a dress can boost my self-esteem, my confidence, and shape my whole day.  


Many of these milestones are tied to what I want to, and what I want to wear.  I had always wanted to go to dinner or see a play en femme and I’ve done those things.  Crossed them off my girly “to-do” list.  Clothes are not any different in that sense to me.  When I was a kid I looked longingly, almost achingly, at the beautiful lingerie that the models in catalogs were wearing.  I dreamt about how amazing it would be to wear stockings and a garter belt, along with matching bra and panties.  There was (and still is) something so sensual, beautiful, feminine, and almost innocent in that elaborate lingerie.  


I am at a point where I feel I have worn almost everything that I want to.  If there’s something I want to wear, whether it is an evening gown or a corset, I shop for what I am looking for and usually end up wearing it for a photo shoot.  As the list shrinks I find it to be a little… bittersweet.  On one hand, I am beyond fortunate and blessed to have worn so many things on my wish list.  On the other hand, clothes make me insanely happy and I love wearing something that I have always wanted to wear.  It’s getting harder to think of new and fun outfits to wear for photo shoots.  The list isn’t finished yet, but goodness it’s getting close.  


Whether you identify as a crossdresser, t-girl, gender non-conforming, non-binary, or something else, there is a part of your journey where we can go from accepting (yes, THIS is who I am) this side of us to EMBRACING (yes, THIS is who I am and I LOVE it) this side of us.  In my opinion the real fun begins once we make this step.  Once I embraced who I was (and this was at twenty years old) then I let my imagination run wild.  I let my inhibitions go.  I started to buy and wear what I wanted.  I mean, this was all done discreetly and in secret, but it was thrilling to shop for stockings after wanting to wear them all my life.  


It’s not uncommon for there to be a link between this side of us (and what we want to wear) with eroticism.  I am not talking about crossdressing as a fetish, that’s another subject altogether, I’m referring to wearing clothes that are, well, SEXY.  


Of course there is a difference between a sexy dress and a dress that you would wear to Sunday brunch.  I mean, that’s one of the reasons I am so enamored by clothes.  There’s SO much to wear for literally any occasion.  Yes, lingerie is SEXY but I don’t wear lingerie because I am turned on by it.  I wear sexy dresses because they make me feel confident and attractive, but they don’t, ah, arouse me.  


Am I making sense?  I mean, I know what I mean and I hope you do too.  🙂


I want to wear (and I do) what I think is beautiful, cute, and sexy.  Little black dresses look amazing on anyone and I love wearing them.  I think a cute skirt and boots look very cute so I wear them. 

Corsets are sexy so I wear them (I mean, aside from how functional and practical they are).  This thinking can also cover what I think is, and would be fun to wear.  Whenever the calendar is flipped to October I start to think (and dream) about what Hannah will be for Halloween.  There is a seemingly endless list of options and each year I dream about what I am going to dress as.  
I admit that some of the costumes are almost, well, cliches.  Television shows and movies that have costume parties almost always have a girl wearing a schoolgirl outfit.  Or a girl wearing lingerie and cat ears.  You get the idea.  French maids are also pretty common.  I had always wanted to wear a French maid outfit.  Like lingerie they always seemed so… elaborate.  The skirt floofed out with a white petticoat, fishnet stockings, a cute little apron, patent leather stilettos…  


Wearing a French maid outfit was on my wish list and I finally accomplished this milestone at my most recent photo shoot.  I love looking at these photos and I think I nailed the look I was going for.  


But as I mentioned before, my wish list is dwindling and it’s bittersweet crossing things off of the list.  Like finishing your reading list.  It’s like, well, what do I read (or wear) next?  I like setting goals and trying to accomplish them.  It all sounds so silly (and probably a little shallow) to think like this.  But like my gender identity, this is how I am wired.  I was born this way.  


It’s a little funny to see clothes in such two completely, almost contradictory, ways.  One one hand clothes are pieces of fabric sewn together to cover our skin.  On the other hand, clothes are EVERYTHING.  Wearing leggings keeps someone warm, but wearing leggings are OMG, comfortable and a way to connect to my femme side, my other gender identity.  Panties are not JUST underwear, they are a small and beautiful way for me to stay in touch with my femme self when I am in boy mode.  I think society gets waaaaay too worked up when it comes to who wears what.  The world (for the most part) loses its mind when a boy wears nail polish.  When the world’s collective mind has a meltdown about a boy wearing a skirt I think it’s a huge overreaction to someone wearing a piece of fabric.  But at the same time, clothes are MORE than a simple piece of fabric.  Clothes can, and do, shape our confidence and our perspective.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there was something in your closet or drawers that makes you feel cute, beautiful, or sexy.  


A French maid costume (or a skirt or a LBD or whatever) is sewn together with pieces of fabric and is nothing more than that.  But on the other side of the coin the clothes can be a milestone.  Wearing something you have dreamed about for years is, in a way, an accomplishment.  It’s crossing something off your wish list.  It’s kind of… well, funny that such a sexy costume can make me feel such a myriad of emotions.  I felt cute but also a little… well, bittersweet (goodness I am using this word a lot here but if the stiletto fits…).  In some ways the costume, like my lingerie shoot, signified getting near the end of my”to-wear” list.  


I’m not quite done yet with my list but if you have some ideas, I would LOVE to hear them, lol.

Love, Hannah

10 thoughts on “Wish List

  1. I must admit alot of my firsts were so long ago I just don’t remember the specifics anymore. There is always more. This has been a year of firsts many for me.

    I received my letters with a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

    I sat in a chair for 6 six hours while 2 nice young ladies cleared my face of hair.

    I received my first prescription for hormones. I have been dyi for 20 yrs.

    I met with a surgeon to discuss bottom surgery.

    Yet there are still so many firsts to go as I accept myself more and more.

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  2. I don’t remember very many “firsts” anymore, as they’ve become routine. What I do remember, though, is my epiphany of dropping my millstones and reaching for milestones. Not much holds me down, or back, these days.

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  3. I really don’t recall many first myself but yes the French maid thing happened many years ago at a Halloween party.
    That was a first in that it really was my first time in public dressed .
    But after that I had a long lull.
    I do know that when in HS I always loved and admired the cheerleaders and those cute outfits with short pleated skirts, oh how I wanted to wear one.

    Well that finally happens 3 years ago when I found a cute cheer costume on line and wore my outfit to work for Halloween.
    Not only did I fulfill my dream but I was out in public and feeling so cute and happy being the cheer girl even if just for a day.

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  4. Playboy bunny? Or Jane Fonda leotard and tights workout outfit? Or the classic Bridget Bardot Playboy magazine cover? A 60’s Mod outfit, a la Twiggy?

    Just a few to consider 🙂

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  5. Once you finish your wish-list, you will turn around and find something new. A new silhouette or symmetry and you’ll want to add that to your list. Never stop looking for something new to add just because you added one more check mark to your list.

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  6. I went as a bride to a Halloween event@ a place I frequented many times en -femme. when they had a contest they judged men -then women. I was so hung up covering my true gender that I went with the women. My friends thought I would have won the men’s contest easily

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  7. Like the others, not many firsts that I remember, at least not the older ones. Starting HRT this year, starting to go full-time socially – including going to places that knew me on sight as my former self, my first physical as myself, the first people that I’m coming out to (other than my wife when we started going together 40 years ago). Those I remember, along with a few I didn’t have as much control over – the first time I was serenaded by a singer while I was at a show – the song was “My Girl”, being called out from the stage in the middle of a show to wish me a happy birthday, having to exchange driver’s license and insurance information (they’re not all positive, but at least this one was no damage to anyone or anything). There have been other more mundane things that wouldn’t be noticed by a cis woman, but were very affirming to me when they occurred. It’s all about being open to enjoying your experiences in whatever level they come.

    As far as running out of new outfits to try – if it’s an outfit I like, I get the same pleasure wearing it for the second, or tenth, or… time. And fashion keeps changing, so there are new options to choose from. I guess that is all a matter of perspective as to what constitutes “completing” the wish list.

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  8. We are on different places on the trans spectrum, for sure. For me, it actually is less about the clothes — they are only symbols, only gender markers. It is about feeling and accepting my femininity (which I try to do even when dressed in my boy clothes). Clothes are fun, but they are worn outside. Inside, I am more feminine than masculine no matter what I’m wearing. Nancy

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  9. Hannah,
    I really appreciate your recognition how important clothes are to the expression of gender Identity at least in American Society. I believe that the recent book, Sissy, by Jacob Tubia has an interesting take based on his experience of coming to understand his gender. Your postings reward me every time that I get to read them and I have been exploring gender in a variety of ways for 30 years. Keep up the good work.
    Tom

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