Ask Hannah!

I came out to my wife in May 2021. One year later, we are now separated. She also outted me to her parents. I feel like a big part of me has been ripped out. We are still married. My wife says that I can move back, but I have to never dress again. I don’t know if I can. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I miss being with my wife so much but I can’t go back to the closet.

This is going to sound harsh and dismissive, but I mean this as gently as possible.

I am afraid I am nowhere near qualified to offer my perspective or advice. I would recommend meeting with a marriage counselor.

Good luck.

Love, Hannah

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7 thoughts on “Ask Hannah!

  1. Its easy to say your life, your choice, but its not that simple, do both of you really want to throw away all those memories (both happy and horrible) that you have shared together. Is there not a third way were you can both be happy ?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sadly, this scenario is repeated time and time again. Like you, I have no answer. Each case is different. Each case is the same. Crossdressers and/or transgender individuals by and large will not be tolerated by cis women in a marital relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I guess my wife and I are the exception to what people believe happens when you are “out” in a marriage. Obviously, I am transfeminine (having medically transitioned through gender affirming hormones which includes growing my own breasts) and go by she/her while my wife is, again obviously, cisgender. I probably needn’t say that we believe in unconditional love for one another and ’til death do us part.

    My wife and I go to the movies together, dinner, shopping, concerts, everything. My wife married her soulmate, not a gender.

    If your spouse can’t accept who you are, then Hannah may be right about the counselor. But bear one thing in mind – if you are truly trans- or bi- gender, you can’t change who you are because dysphoria is hell on earth. It is your spouse who needs to look inside to see why she detests or fears part of who you are

    I’m certain that your spouse is a wonderful person or you wouldn’t have been with her. But, forcing someone into the closet is wrong. Ultimatums of my way or the highway without understanding and compassion doesn’t cut it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree with Hannah, to try talking it over with a therapist. Also very important is for you to see a therapist. It’s very important to build your own support network, which may start at your therapist.

    I agree also that your experience is so (unfortunately) common. Think of the Serenity Prayer. You cannot control your wife, and you cannot control/change your authentic self.

    We only have one life to live and however scary and depressing it may be now for you living authentically is foundational to a happy life. I joke that Maslow should have put Living Authentically at the bottom of his hierarchy of needs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Good reason NOT to tell your wife! You may think you know her, but even after many years of marriage, married couples can turn on each other and become enemies. Reminds me of what they say about countries, “Friends today, enemies, tomorrow.” And visa versa too. Yes, if she is at all reasonable, a therapist may be a good decision. If not, and you lost her, this may not be the worst thing in the world…


  6. I’m so very sorry to hear this but yes it is a common issue for trans folks.
    Myself, I have been divorced for 4 years in part because of my gender identity, it’s so difficult for a cis woman who has been married to understand why the man they married wants to be female or dress as one
    Counseling is defiantly a place to start and yes for the both of you


  7. I think there is another issue too. If you have kept it secret for many years then come out trust becomes an issue, your wife wonders what other secrets there may be.

    Liked by 1 person

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